Axel decided he wasn't going to ask.

He'd gone back and forth. He wanted to ask them, more than anything, but regardless of his feelings on the matter (his feelings were "your girlfriend is a cunt") Hel was still trying to make things work with Kara, and going to prom with them was just going to make things more difficult. Kara was... it felt like a severe understatement to say "the jealous type". So for once in his life he was gonna do the altruistic thing, and that immediately drained all the wind in his sails when it came to prom in general. Like, he had other options, but none that meant as much.

Did he actually have other options, though? Tristan would have been ideal if Hel was impossible, but he definitely had a date already. He ran through the names that came to mind, Mikki (man he was still a shitty friend for thinking of her first), Charelle, Lorenzo, Myles, the list went on, and everyone on it either had a date or wasn't going, even setting aside the issue of whether or not he'd have the stomach to go with a dude. He'd ask Andy as a joke friend-date but again, Mikki. Jesus, was he really gonna have to go stag? Normally he wouldn't mind, but with everyone around him having dates already it felt really fucking pathetic. He could always just not go. He didn't know if Hel was planning on going stag themself, or if that would be too much for Kara, but maybe it'd be for the best if neither of them went. They could just hang out, play some games, have a good and not at all depressing time.

Either way, Hel's bedroom window was in sight. It was something like 10 PM, kinda late for normal people to make surprise appearances at each other's houses, but he'd turned up at like 2 AM before and it'd been fine, so whatever. It had been a while since he picked up that chain for them and he'd spontaneously decided to go for it right here, right now, because why the fuck not, right? He'd wanted to talk to them, anyway. There was still air to clear between them, and he hated that, he hated having anything that clouded their relationship, he hated things between them being anything less than simple and easy and wordless the way they'd always been. He wanted to be able to just show up and climb in their window and play them a new song he'd learned without the tension currently clawing at his stomach making him pause.

Axel wanted to fix things. He would fix things. He had to. And once he had Hel smiling and laughing again he'd ask if they were down for ditching prom and helping with his Diamond IV promos instead.

He parked his truck behind Hel's house. Fucking piece of shit wasn't exactly inconspicuous, but hey, maybe giving them a minute to prepare was a good thing. His gift tucked safely in his pocket, he cleared the distance to their window a bit too quickly with nervous steps before lifting himself onto their windowsill with a practiced ease. He popped his head inside.

"Hel?"

And immediately he realized that his timing, as usual, was shit.

Axel had found them a lotta ways coming through that window over the years. Dialed in and salty at someone fucking up their promos. Laughing at some dumb meme Kara had sent them. Playing around with their bass. Fuming over some dumb argument with Kara. Tracing their fingers over cards over and over without acknowledgement. Smiling over some dumb poem Kara had written them. Slumped over their desk dead ass asleep. Ignoring him for damage control over some dumb thing they'd said to Kara. Stoned and trying to figure out if he'd been there the whole time. Sobbing over some dumb insult from Kara.

The pair lived a lot of life together. When they tried to reflect which pair they were talking about, they weren't sure. They'd both known them so well and so long, better maybe than anyone else, but neither had the same perspective. Desires. Insecurities. Fears. Expectations.

Right now their main commonality would be that either would be shocked to see them like this; cross-legged on their black comforter, still dressed from school despite how late it was, staring straight forward at their lime green walls. Their laptop sat on the bed beside them but it was closed and cold, like they hadn't turned it on for awhile. There was no music, no books, no phone, no distractions of any kind. It was still enough to suggest they might have been in the middle of some sort of ritual or reading, but there were no witchy trappings to suggest they were working.

The window, and their name. First sounds other than background white noise in...time. Some time. They hadn't kept track.

"Hey."

They didn't move.

"Hey?"

The word was out of his mouth before he could really process what he was looking at. Cause what he was looking at didn't make any sense.

Helena Fury wasn't really the kind of person who just... sat. Helena Fury was the kind of person who was constantly doing four things at once, playing a game while glancing at Reddit on their phone or writing a paper with some Youtube video about pro League strats playing while also eating dinner or like, putting a curse on someone while doing their makeup probably. Axel wasn't sure he'd ever seen them willingly sit still. Even in class they'd doodle, or fidget, or glance at their phone under their desk, or toss notes.

Long story short, it didn't look good.

Maybe he shouldn't be here? Like maybe he should have sent a text, or something? Not that he ever bothered to warn them when he was headed over, since it's not like it'd ever bothered them before. No matter what they were doing, no matter what mood they were in—and he'd found them in some awful moods over the years, in a rage, in a panic, in tears—they'd always said they were happy to see him. So he'd kept showing up, and sometimes he could do something to help, and as far as he was concerned, that was worth a lot.

This was new, though. New enough that there was a piece of him that wanted to apologize, back out the window, but instead he pulled the rest of his body through the window, landing as quietly as he could on their bedroom floor.

"Yeah. Hey."

Not the most eloquent start, but a start. He took a step toward them, then stopped.

"Uh, feel free to like. Kick me out. If you want." He shrugged. "Otherwise you're stuck with me until you tell me what's wrong."

How long did he stand there between sentences? Where did he come from? Where was he going? Were they being rude? They were probably being rude. Every word reminded him that they were supposed to say something. It was hard though. They weren't sure where they were.

"Oh."

Abstractly they could understand the air moving from lungs that were meant to be theirs, through a throat that they were familiar with, through lips that belonged to them, into air that could vaguely be understood as their space, to the ears of what was supposed to be their best friend. It all added up perfectly. They didn't feel it though. They weren't in that body, and they didn't know where that was. It was another moment in a sea of overwhelming sensations that had kept them paralyzed since-

"Oh."

Recognition rather than filler. Their tone went from flat to resigned as they brushed against what they'd done and mentally recoiled. It was better this way. They didn't have to focus on anything, they could just drift.

Drifting was rude.

Oh. Only for their ears this time. They needed to come home. Axel wanted them to come home.

"I dunno how."

They weren't sure if they were talking to him or to the body he expected to find them in.

"Whoa, Hel, you... you okay?"

Probably not. Dumb question. The glazed expression didn't really scream "okay". His first take was that they were tripping, and that wasn't totally out of the question. Not like Hel couldn't get a hold of some shit if they wanted to. But the one time he'd seen them on shrooms there was a lot less blank staring and a lot more giggling and pointing at butterflies he couldn't see, so that seemed pretty unlikely. Could be something else, yeah, he guessed, but Hel was... responsible was definitely the wrong word. Smart enough to not try something new alone, anyway. And when he came closer, close enough to look into their eyes, they were clear, pupils undilated. Tired. But definitely sober.

"You dunno how what? Sorry, I, uh..."

He didn't know. This was new territory to him. He'd cleared the distance to their bed but hadn't come any closer, hadn't reached out, hadn't tried to touch them, not yet. That might be the wrong thing to do. He didn't know. He hated not knowing.

"I got you something. I was just driving, and I thought I'd give it to you. You know, cause I was nearby. And I figured I'd come over." He was babbling. Waiting for some kind of response. Were they sick? Did he need to call someone?

"I'm... here now."

Yeah, he was doing great. Big fucking help.

Hel. Their name was Hel. That was true.

Axel was there. There was here. That was true.

He was sorry. So were they. That was true.

Each truth brought them a little closer. They tried not to let people see them like this. That was true.

"You're here. I want to be here." That was true.

Being here was painful. Feeling was painful. That was true.

Pain was overwhelming. Pain would pass. That was true.

They had hands. One was stretched up towards Axel. That was true.

"I fucked up."

That was true.

Okay, fuck it.

Axel climbed onto the bed, hands clutching familiar black cotton. He'd been here a thousand times before; he'd rolled out of a lot of beds over the years, but this was the one he always came back to. He was tentative until the moment they reached out, a question they only had one answer to. He crawled in close, took their hand. It felt cold. They felt so warm, always, they were a goddamn space heater, it felt wrong. It all felt wrong.

"I'm here," and he was practically whispering, now. "I'm here."

"I promise, I'm here."

"I'm not going anywhere."

Anything else he was gonna say seemed pretty unimportant. Maybe what was wrong didn't matter right this moment.

Maybe this was enough.

Hel wasn't used to coming down around people. They didn't want to; if something was bad enough to force them out then they wanted to just...stop. Wake up later and deal with the feelings when they were cold. Axel had seen it before, he just didn't know it. A dead conversation looked the same whether they had fallen asleep on him or they were disassociating, and he didn't ask questions as long as they were okay the next time he saw them. They were. They would be. It helped to have him here.

He wasn't magic, though. Like everything else it wasn't clear how long it took them to get back, but they knew he'd been holding them for awhile. They'd said some things. Nonsense, probably. He probably replied. They couldn't remember. If it was important he'd tell them. What stood out through the fog was the feeling of his arms around them, and the cold weight in their stomach growing heavier the more real they felt.

It was hard to exist. Without friends to ground them they'd do it a lot less. They'd lost a lot of time tuning out over the years. Coming back to missed messages, homework they didn't remember doing, notes about dinner in the fridge. The downside of having most of your life online was that nobody could see you go empty, and nobody was there to pull you back if you stayed away too long. Between coming out and high school the only person that ever checked in on them was Dad. Before Axel and Andy and the others, they'd be gone unless someone online caught them before they let go and managed to drag them into something. Most didn't notice after the first few missed messages. Most got used to the days, weeks, months sometimes of ignored notifications. Before, the only one who would ever hound them until she got something was Kara.

Before. Not now.

They didn't cry. They hadn't yet, and they weren't sure they were going to; they gripped Axel's shirt tightly and hung in the moment. It would be so easy to push off of him and drift again. This didn't have to be real yet. They didn't have to try. They didn't even have to tell him. It was fine. The rest of the Deadbeats barely knew her, let alone the rest of their friends, so if they just stopped talking about her there probably wouldn't be any questions.

They spoke, recognizing their voice as their own for the first time since he came in. "Hey. I'm sorry. I'm okay. You weren't supposed to see that."

Time passed. He couldn't have said how much. It wasn't like it mattered, not like he had a curfew or anything, not like he hadn't been planning on spending the night in the bed of his truck anyway. No real reason for it. Just one of those nights where Gregory and Lisa tried too hard, tried to insist he eat with the family, called him son, plied him with gifts he didn't need or want. One of those nights he had to be anywhere but home. Those nights were more and more frequent, lately. His truck was starting to fill with his things, another change of clothes or old book added every time he left the house, and one day everything he owned would be in that truck, and on that day he wouldn't have to come back.

Fantasies. He couldn't leave his siblings behind. He couldn't leave Hel behind, either. He wondered sometimes, if he asked them to run away with him, if they would. He wouldn't ask that of them. But he thought about it, maybe more than he should.

It was their voice that called him out of his drowsy reverie, clear, suddenly, after however many minutes of muffled murmuring he'd responded to with whatever. They were... well, they'd been awake. They were just... something. He didn't really have the vocabulary for what was up with them. They were somewhere else, or that was how it felt, at least. Now they were here. That was like, an improvement, probably? He'd done something, though he didn't feel like he could claim much credit considering he'd done nothing but sit still.

"S'fine. I mean, I dunno what that... was? So uh, sorry if I interrupted something, I guess." Felt kind of weird apologizing since he was at least 90% sure whatever it was wasn't a good thing, but whatever. "You feeling any better, babe? You sound better."

Better was uncomfortably relative. They were here, real and breathing and aware, and from a certain perspective that was much better than what they were. Even if he hadn't said it, they were sure he considered that better, which was another reason to never talk about it. For Axel, escapism was a highway and a hastily backed bag, an undefined trip far and fast enough that all the things that pissed him off wouldn't be able to keep up. He'd talked about running off enough for them to get the picture of friendly faces and vague goals he dreamed up. It would be impossible for him to understand that their escape was empty, that the stressless nothing soothed them, and that falling back down was like satisfying that ideal he'd built up, only to have to turn around and drive back home.

Functionally they were better, but emotionally being real was hard. It took effort to stay attached. There were times were it felt inevitable that one day they'd let go and never find the strength to come back, and that didn't scare them. It was comforting, a form of release that wouldn't be anymore their fault than if they lost their grip at the edge of a cliff. For some part of them, that was what better looked like.

It wasn't that night yet. They smiled almost exactly like they would any other time he comforted them. He wouldn't notice, and they wouldn't bring it to his attention. They'd scared him enough for one night. They had other stuff to talk about anyway. "I'm fine...ish. It's been a long night." After a steadying breath they pushed away from him, gently but firmly, and settled at the head of the bed. From their mess of stuffed friends around the bed they plucked a grey and white great horned owl, Montolio, and set him in their lap. It took a few calming strokes before they were ready to meet Axel's eyes again. "I'm sorry, Axe. I think I'm kinda a shitty person."

There was definitely something he was missing here. Not that he had any proof of that, no super obvious signs, it was just a feeling that gnawed at his gut as Hel looked at him and smiled. Something wrong. He wasn't great at this kind of thing, so he figured he shouldn't overthink it, probably a leftover blip from the moments prior. But their smile didn't make him smile back, the way it always, always did. He tried to, anyway. Tried to be reassuring. He probably looked like an idiot, but that was pretty normal. Maybe they wouldn't notice?

He wasn't upset when they moved away, they needed their space sometimes, though a flash of disappointment clouded his thoughts as it always did when they were separated. He regarded them carefully, quietly, and the atmosphere seemed to settle into something more familiar. They'd been here before, many times, and somehow he felt better. He could handle whatever this was. He had facts on his side, after all. 'Helena Fury is not a shitty person' was a fact. He had proof! That proof was mostly just 'I said so, and I'm always right,' but hey, better than nothing.

"I don't believe you." His grin wasn't as easy as usual, but it still appeared, unforced. "I mean, y'know, plead your case, but I'm probably gonna come out on the other side of this one."

They tried to smile for him, but it was weaker than before. Hel knew their self-loathing was usually inflated, and Axel was good at balancing them out in his way. It wasn't like that tonight, though. He couldn't talk them out of this. "I'm not surprised. No offense man, but you've been kinda shitty too."

Yeah, there it was. The words came so easily but as soon as they were out of their mouth they felt anxiety clawing at their throat to pull them back. He was gonna leave. He was gonna hate them. He was gonna never talk to them again. He was gonna turn the band on them and then the rest of their friends and probably even the club somehow and-

They didn't slap themself. They thought about it, but they took a deep breath instead. He was still here. They needed to have this conversation. It was healthy. Gods they sounded like Dr. Harris now, they were gonna get an earful about this next week. Maybe they just didn't tell her. But they'd talked about this last week and she was gonna ask and if they lied now it'd kick off a whole thing. They'd have to keep faking fights for one thing, or magically have things get better, and both of those were just gonna lead to more questions and there was no way this ended without them going to Roxie about getting a very convincing corpse and maybe how to fake a death and fuck they did not have the energy to deal with this brain tangent fucking focus up here Hel Jesus.

Hey he was still sitting there, huh? Whoops.

"Sometimes...I haven't been that honest with you. Or fair. And like, we don't talk about it. I dunno if I've hurt you, but I know you've hurt me. Not on purpose, I think, but we've never talked about that either. I've been kinda okay with that, but it's not just us, and..." They looked down, clenching Montolio a little tighter. "I know you kinda hate her, and I know she's hurt me a lot too, but we've been really shitty to Kara. Nothing's, uh, happened happened since we started dating, but...we've pushed it. A lot."

Hel bit their lip and looked back up at him. "I broke up with her tonight. We've been fighting for weeks and she just deserves better. Maybe I do too." Their hand went across the bed, not quite touching him but there if he wanted it. "And maybe everything with us is just fucking around to you. Can't blame you if it is, I guess. But I've gotta know, Axe. I can't do this anymore."

Axel wasn't super good with feelings. Like he was great at Angry and Horny and reasonably okay with Chill and that was about as far as he went 99% of the time. If he was gonna think deep about it he'd probably say something about how he'd spent enough time being sad or afraid before he'd gotten to Chattanooga and it hadn't done a goddamn thing for him. If he wasn't gonna think deep about it, and let's be honest if Axel could get away with not thinking deep about most things he would, he'd say being sad and shit was a bummer and why bother? Getting pissed at things was more productive, anyway. If you were mad at something, you could fight it. If you could fight it, you could win. It was pretty simple. Most of the time, it was enough.

So he was at a loss here. Cause he couldn't be mad at Hel. Never had been. There was nothing for him to fight here. Which meant that every word that cut him went without a response. Which was probably the wrong thing to do. He was supposed to have something ready. But he opened his mouth and nothing came out.

He should just listen, probably. That was probably what they needed, more than him spilling a bunch of dumb shit all over the place. Besides, they were right. Anything he said right now was gonna sound like a protest, but he didn't have anything to protest, he'd known what he'd done. He told himself it was fine, that they needed him and they were just close friends and anything else he felt didn't matter cause they had a girlfriend. He'd skirted that boundary a million times before he crossed it. And then he had crossed it, and bounced right back to the other side and acted like nothing had changed.

So now that he was actually thinking about it, yeah, he'd been pretty shitty. Wasn't that why he'd come here? To apologize? Not really. He'd come here to give them a gift. A bribe, practically. He hoped that'd be enough. He hoped they'd forgive him. And then he could keep on doing things exactly the same, even though he knew Kara was gonna keep being a massive bitch about it, even though he was just making their life harder, even though—

Huh?

"Huh?"

They held out their hand. He took it before he worked out what they were saying.

Kara was gone?

No, this wasn't ever just fucking around. Not ever, Hel, Jesus, if I just wanted to fuck around I wouldn't have been doin' it with someone I loved so much. I know I've been shitty, I know I made things hard for you, I'm sorry. I know how important she is to you. It just hurt to see her hurting you. And I didn't know what else to do. I don't know what to say but sorry. I'll do better if you let me. I'm here for you. I'm here. Always. I love you.

All the stuff Axel didn't say.

Instead, when he opened his mouth, all that croaked out was

"You wanna go to prom with me?"

You know those Sherlock Holmes movies? The ones with Iron Man? Sorry, Robert Downey Jr. There's no need to front like you don't know who that is in your own brain. What's up with that? Nobody hears you. You don't gotta commit to the bit that hard. It's fine. You know who Robert Downey Jr. is, he's a goddamn human being with a life and a story and hopes and dreams and fears and sure you're not totally clear on all of those but what's the joke with only knowing big movie stars by their big movie roles Keanu Reeves as a human being is more of an American treasure than Neo could ever be and he deserves your fucking respect so you'd better start-

Nope nope dial it back. Bring it in. You've gotta get this perfect. Sherlock Holmes slow motion fight sequence style.

First you're gonna smile. That disarms him. Then you're gonna dig your hands into the mattress for leverage. It's gonna be hard in this position but you've gotta get your feet under you so you can launch before he realizes what's coming. You're gonna spring at him, and you're gonna wrap your arms around him and hold him so damn tight, and you're gonna kiss him like you've never kissed him before. You've seen it a thousand times, right? You've got this. You're a ninja. Go get 'im.

In the idyllic palace of Hel's mind it played out just like that. They didn't need to say a single word, just embrace him and show him how much they loved him. They'd been wrapped around each other in this bed before no matter how long it'd been, and it'd feel so right to get back there. Dad was working tonight so they'd have privacy, maybe they could even-

He'ls forehead smashed directly into Axel's nose just about as hard as they were capable of hitting him. They didn't start screaming until they realized their momentum was carrying them both over the side of the bed in a mess of sheets and stuffed animals that ended in a room shaking crash. Books, CDs, old cups, and anything else that wasn't nailed down tumbled to the floor around them.

There was something wet smeared on their forehead.

Oh.

There was a lot of it.

Oh.

Whoa, hey. That went pretty well.

Weird thing to say with blood streaming down his face, but whatever. He was pretty sure Hel hadn't mean to turn themself into a cruise missile launched directly at his nose. Like, he'd been looking at them, and they looked pretty happy in the moment he'd been able to think before having his lights half knocked out, so probably it was an accident. Way more direct ways to say fuck you if Hel had wanted to, anyway. Dramatic headbutts didn't really feel like their style?

So yeah, this was going well. The nose thing was a bit of a buzzkill, though. He pulled away from them just a bit, which was about as much as he could considering they were currently on top of him, and gingerly touched the bridge of his nose. Not any more crooked than it already was, as far as he could tell, but definitely sore. May or may not be broken again, though the torrent of blood gushing from his nostrils at the moment pointed toward "may". He pulled up the hem of his shirt to his nose and bent forward; he tried pinching the bridge of his nose with his other hand, but that hurt like hell, so he'd live without it. If this was how he bled out that was just gonna be the way he went.

"Babe, I appreciate the enthusiasm," Axel said, his voice muffled by his t-shirt. "But, uh, if you could get me like just a fuckton of tissues, that'd be great." His eyes flicked from theirs to their forehead. "And uh, you've got some blood, like. On your face."