Five ways to teach your toddler manners

It will be some time before your little one has the skills to behave well most of the time, but it's never too early to start teaching her the basics of good manners.

You may even find you're pleasantly surprised by how much she understands about good behaviour. Though she may not always put it into practice!

For some time now, your toddler has been learning that there are ways to behave and not to behave. Think of all that testing of limits and gauging of your reactions as she learns how to interact socially.

It will probably take her until she's about three years old before she understands the concept of sharing. And she may not really understand taking turns and other polite behaviour until she's four years or five years old.

But if you get the idea of manners across early and often, she'll catch on faster when you add specifics. Here's how to get going.

1. Start with the basics

Saying "please" and "thank you" is usually the first part of good manners any parent tries to teach. You can begin as soon as your child starts talking, usually sometime after her first birthday.

It will be a while before she remembers to say please and thank you every time. But once your toddler starts talking, you'll probably find yourself reminding her automatically. This is what parents have been doing for generations with prompts such as "What do you say?" or "What's the magic word?"

Try not to be too insistent. Your toddler won't always remember or want to be polite. But gradually she will remember to say please and thank you more often than she forgets. To help it become an automatic response, make sure you always praise your toddler when she does remember.

2. Be a good role model

It may sound obvious, but if you want a polite child, you need to be polite. Although let's face it, sometimes this is easier said than done. Practise what you preach to set your toddler a good example. You are your child's number-one role model.

Your toddler wants nothing more than to be like mum and dad. If your partner is standing in front of the fridge when you need to open it, say, "Excuse me" and use their name. If your toddler gets used to hearing polite speech around the house, she'll use it herself.

3. Ask her to sit at the table

Learning to sit still for more than five minutes is a major achievement for a two-year-old. So don't expect too much. Use family dinners as useful practice time, but always sit down with her. It's unfair to expect your toddler to sit quietly and eat by herself.

When eating out, tell her beforehand that this is her chance to show how good she is at sitting still. If she succeeds, let her know she's done well. But don't go overboard. You don't want her to feel she's doing something above and beyond what's normal.

Try to be reasonable. Fifteen minutes of sitting anywhere can be tough going for your squirmy toddler. So try not to put yourself in a situation where disaster will strike. Take the aisle seat at weddings, for example. That way you and your toddler can slip out fast if she wriggles and wails!

4. Encourage hellos and goodbyes

By the time she's two years old, your toddler can certainly learn to say "hello" when arriving for visits or meeting new people. She can also learn to say "goodbye" when it's time to leave. But don't be surprised or put out if she's wildly unreliable about it. Sometimes she'll utter a very sweet "hello", other times she'll collapse into shyness or stubbornly refuse to speak. If she doesn't want to say anything, don't try to make her.

Giving your toddler the chance to prepare may help. For example, before a visit to Granny's tell her, "When we get to Granny's, we're going to say, 'Hello Granny!'"

5. Encourage polite play dates

Don't expect perfection when your toddler has a play date. Put any favourite toys, such as her beloved teddy bear, away beforehand. Tell your toddler she can't hog all the toys when other children are around and lay down simple rules:

• Nobody hits, pushes or calls people names.
• If there's a toy everyone wants to play with, everyone takes a turn with it.
• Nobody tells anyone else how they can play with a toy, as long as the toy's not being damaged.
• Anyone who misbehaves gets a warning. If no one listens, the play date has to end.

Toddlers' first quarrels are usually over sharing their toys. From your child's perspective, this is an outrageous thing to ask of her (and will be until she's at least three years old).

By teaching her to share, you'll be doing her a favour and other children will be more inclined to play with her.

Finally, don't forget to praise your child and give her lots of attention when she behaves well. Mention specifically any generous or kind things she did, such as, "It was nice of you to let Theo play with your ball." And remember to lead by example. Grabbing the TV remote from your partner and changing the channel is not the sort of behaviour you want to encourage!