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Have you ever had to negotiate with a conversational bully? This post shares 3 respectful tactics... [+]
Have you ever been in a negotiation with a conversational bully? They won't let you get a word in the discussion or might even talk over you. They are often determined to get everyone to agree with their point, even if they might be wrong. These people are difficult to collaborate with and also, unfortunately, unavoidable in workplace negotiations. But what if I told you there was a respectful way to deal with them and get them to not only stop bullying but start agreeing with you so you could win together? I learned three key techniques from working for someone named Linda Bridges while working with the Texas Legislature.
Here are three techniques I learned from Linda:
- Disrupt the bully politely
- Pivot away by pairing options
- Get the bully to say more
Linda was an inspiring leader who started as a special education teacher in Corpus Christi, Texas and became the president of the Texas American Federation of Teachers. The Texas AFT represents 65,000 school employees across the state, and Linda helped build the teachers' union in a state that wasn't known for being pro-union. She was successful because she could create consensus in all types of negotiations. She was savvy at getting schools and local businesses to work together, as well as negotiate bipartisan legislative deals with unlikely partners. She brought empathy and politeness to every situation, particularly when she had to meet with potential adversaries. Let's break down her three techniques:
1. Politely disrupt by pointing out repetition. On many occasions, I would sit with Linda in meetings where someone would dominate a conversation in a way that did not foster collaboration. One of Linda's leadership super powers was she could get nearly any group of people to talk to one another. This would often fostering collaborative discussion and extraordinary solutions. But if she encountered a conversational bully - particularly one that was visibly angry about something - she would neutralize the bully first. I would watch her politely interrupt the conversational bully's angry train of thought by pointing out when the bully repeated a point more than once. Linda would use a simple phrase like "yes, you mentioned that point already, and it's important." This would often stop the bully mid-sentence. I suspect that most people don't like repeating themselves too often. It would create a respectful chance for someone to pause and take a step back. Her added point of giving validation by saying "it's important" also reflected authentic empathy for the person's point of view.
2. Pivot away from a bad option by pairing it with a good one. Linda always helped people feel like their ideas were included and never judged. She did this by pairing options, usually by saying "well, that is one option, and we could also consider ________." The option she would introduce would be linked in some way to whatever the negotiating partner had offered, and it would also subtly guide the discussion in a new direction. By pairing the options, there was no need to reject ideas or say a hard "no." Agreement is a key negotiating technique, and I often saw Linda use the power of collecting the yeses to boost collaborative energy. She would then pivot us gently towards where ever she wanted the discussion to move.
3. Draw the bullies out by getting them to say more. Linda would draw people out in conversation by using key open-ended questions like "Can you tell us more about that?" or "How did you get to that idea?" Sometimes this was enough to de-escalate a situation, and sometimes it helped the conversational bully see how they had made a logical misstep by talking it out loud. This technique also had another effect: the bully felt like someone was listening to them. Being heard had a de-escalating effect on aggressive talkers. I learned from watching Linda that most bullies were angry because they didn't feel like anyone was listening to them. Her empathy, expressed through listening without reaction or judgement, would open up a way for her to keep the bully included without taking over the meeting. And it would often end with the bully agreeing with whatever plan Linda would ultimately present.
Linda was fond of saying "there are no permanent friends and no permanent enemies," especially during difficult legislative sessions. Her power rested in her ability to turn enemies and bullies into allies, ever expanding her circle of friends.
