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By Sir Alex - (See other posts by Sir Alex):
Being verbal during sex is a bit of a challenge for many men. It’s a challenge for me as well. I usually have to be particularly horned to do verbal at all. Regardless there are a few tips for people trying to up their game when it comes to verbal.
- KNOW YOUR TARGET!: This is the most important and first step to being verbal. Does your boy want to be called a faggot? A cunt? A whore? A slut? Does he like being made into a girly boy? Does he want you to bring him all your friends with big hard cocks to pillage his fag hole? Does he want to hear about you pissing into his mouth till it over flows and dribbles down his neck? All of these are examples of what knowing the psychology of your boy allows you to do.
- Think it through in advance: You’re on recon; you’ve got a cute sub on the line with an ass to die for. He tells you he wants a man that will hold his arms behind his back and fuck him rough. The simplest thing to do is to think through as many different ways to say back exactly what he told you in advance of when you will get together. Later when you’re in the moment you’re going to be more likely to remember something you’ve already thought of rather than making it up on the spot.
- Wherever possible mix their kinks: If your sub is into being called a bitch and being throat fucked. “Alright you little bitch. It’s time for you to prove you’re going to be my worthy cockslut. Get on the bed I’m going to fuck your throat!”
- Make your boy say what he’s doing: This is part of what I like to call “the mirror technique” which I will explain in its own post another time. As it is relevant here, make your submissive say what they’re doing (if it’s humiliating or they enjoy it). If you do this, most subs will say it quietly and it pays to make them say it loudly. Your submissive will be further humiliated by repeating what they said and louder it will push them further into subspace which makes submissives more likely to follow orders in the future.
Best of luck with these tips. If you end up with any particularly good results feel free to share them with the rest of us ;).
hadriantemple:
Verbal play is an extremely important tool for doms. Many subs love to be talked down to, and many doms love doing it. There are a couple key reasons for this:
Being talked down to establishes the power dynamic.
Taboo words like bitch and faggot are sexually charged, and saying them empowers the dom.
Sex is to a large extent about imagination, and verbal play helps shape the imagination by guiding the sub to where the dom wants him/her to go.
Effective verbal play can help a sub overlook small mistakes the dom might make.
Being insulted, talked down to, and so on can be very humiliating, which some subs really enjoy.
Verbal play can build anticipation for what's coming next "If you don't do this well enough, I'm going to spank you." (Narrator: He was going to spank the sub anyway.)
I know one boy that I can make cum hands-free just by giving him a good chewing out (@boyspunky, you know what I'm talking about...)
So how do you learn to get good at verbal play? It's basically practice. Build up a repertoire of things you can say, so that you can develop some variety. Get used to saying things like "Down on your knees, cunt!" and practice them until you can say them with a straight face and a tone of authority. When you're done playing, ask for some feedback about what worked and what didn't. (You do ask your subs to give you feedback, right?)
So there are a few key principles to work with in verbal play.
1) Vary your language. Don't keep saying 'bitch'.That makes you look unimaginative and it drains the insult of its erotic charge. We've all watched boring porn where they just say "take that cock" or "oh my god that feels so good" over and over again. If you don't want to sound like bad porn, you need to work on your verbal game. So figure out as many variations as you can and alternate them. If your sub likes a particular term, use that one more frequently. And remember that for a sub, an insult can be a term of endearment. A lot depends on your tone of voice.
2) Use verbal play to build anticipation. Tell the sub what's coming next. If you want to spank the sub, you can threaten it as a punishment for failure, or promise it as a reward for good service, or just tell the sub it's coming. Getting good at this will create the impression that you've planned out the scene (even if you're just improvising).
3) Verbal play can tell the sub how you want them to understand what's happening. Most BDSM acts can have multiple interpretations. For example, pissing on the sub can be about enjoying the liberating physicality of the act ("It feels so damn good to take a piss!"), a statement of humiliation ("you're so pathetic you're gonna let me piss on you"), a statement of ownership and marking ('You're my pissed-on property"), a reward ("if you beg, I'll reward you with my piss") and so on. If you want pissing on the sub to be a humiliation, say so.
4) Verbal play can tell the sub how you want him to act. If the sub knows you want to humiliate him, he's more likely to play into that. And you can tell the sub what you want to see. "If you beg well enough, I'll stop torturing your tits" and "Who's my good boy? Who's daddy's perfect little boy?" can signal the behavior you want.
5) You can dramatize your power by promising things and not giving them or changing your mind. "Ok, you can stop slapping your cock now. No, actually, I've changed my mind. Keep going."
6) Learn the 'magician's force'. Stage magicians use this to guide the audience. If a magician wants you to choose the blue cup and you pick the red cup, he'll say, "ok, that's the one we'll set aside." It creates the illusion of choice while keeping the magician in charge. You can do similar tricks with a sub, in which you give the sub a choice while keeping the illusion of control. I often ask my boy "Would you like me to stop slapping your cock?" If he says 'yes', I'll say "That's too bad. I'm not ready to stop." (But now I know that the boy might be approaching a limit.) If he says no, I'll say "That's good, because I'm not going to." There are lot of games this can be applied to.
7) Verbal play can focus the sub's attention and plant thoughts and feelings in the sub's head. When I'm torturing a boy, I'll say "I'll bet having your tits clamped like that really hurts. You don't think you can take much more of that, do you?" If I'm stroking his cock I might say "God that feels good, doesn't it? Your cock must be bursting. You're probably hoping I'll let you cum soon." Things like that will focus the sub's attention on the facet of the experience you're trying to create. Being told the pain is getting unbearable makes it harder for the sub to manage the pain. And this can sometimes create the impression that the dom knows what the sub is thinking. The sub is having those thoughts and the dom seems to be vocalizing them, when in reality part of the reason the sub is having that thought is that the dom is encouraging the sub to think about that. Many subs love the fantasy of the omniscient dom.
8) You can also help your sub manage the experience through verbal play. "Deep breaths, boy. That will help you manage the pain" or "Ok, I'm going to untie you now. Relax, you'll be free soon."
9) Don't forget to praise the sub. Unless the scene is all about humiliation, praise gives the sub encouragement and helps them feel a sense of pride. And if your scene is about humiliation, you can break the sub down and then build them back up by praising the submissive behavior you're seeking. "You can take this spanking, boy. You've done it before."
10) Verbal mind games can be great fun. Blindfold the sub and then ask them to figure out what toy you're using on them. Or talk to them in ways that make them nervous. "Hmm. I haven't used THIS toy in a while. The last sub I used it on wouldn't stop crying. I wonder if you'll be able to handle it."
11) How you say things can have a big impact on the scene. Whatever you say, it's important to sound like you have the authority to say it. Tentatively saying "umm, take it, uhh, you bitch" is going to make you sound weak when the sub wants you to sound strong. So practice saying things forcefully. That doesn't mean yelling it. Yelling will actually tend to make you look weak, as if you're resorting to volume to make up for authority. Instead you want to sound like you are used to giving commands and having them obeyed. Varying tones give different effects. Saying it with an angry edge in your voice can make a sub anxious in a good way. Saying it with a sound of contempt works well for humiliation play. Speaking softly can sound menacing. And don't forget the power of whispering. Leaning in close to a tied up boy and quietly saying "I'm really going to enjoy this next part, even if you don't" can send some boys over the moon because it combines intimacy with menace.
A couple general points to remember about verbal play
1) Insults can wound far more deeply than most toys. So be careful which ones you use. For example, if your sub is overweight, they're probably somewhat ashamed of their body already, and having their attention called to their weight will probably be humiliating in a bad way. So avoid insults like "fat pig" unless you've talked to the sub and know they're ok with that. Similarly, racially-loaded terms can add excitement for a sub who's of a different race from you, but they can also be very painful, so make sure you include respectful negotiation around racial insults before you start to employ them.
2) Don't joke about ignoring safe words. The sub needs to know you're going to respect the safe word (unless you two are advanced enough that you've decided to drop safe words--a practice that is definitely not for new players). "No" can mean "yes", but "red" has to mean "stop".
3) Verbal play should stop during aftercare, or it should shift to a more gentle and comforting phase. "Yes, baby. Daddy's gonna take care of you now."
4) Not all subs like humiliation and insults, so go cautiously until you know that the sub enjoys that sort of thing. For some subs, being insulted immediately brings them out of their headspace and makes them angry. Just as you wouldn't flog someone without their consent, don't verbally abuse them without it.
So what's your favorite verbal trick?
- KNOW YOUR TARGET!: This is the most important and first step to being verbal. Does your boy want to be called a faggot? A cunt? A whore? A slut? Does he like being made into a girly boy? Does he want you to bring him all your friends with big hard cocks to pillage his fag hole? Does he want to hear about you pissing into his mouth till it over flows and dribbles down his neck? All of these are examples of what knowing the psychology of your boy allows you to do.
- Think it through in advance: You’re on recon; you’ve got a cute sub on the line with an ass to die for. He tells you he wants a man that will hold his arms behind his back and fuck him rough. The simplest thing to do is to think through as many different ways to say back exactly what he told you in advance of when you will get together. Later when you’re in the moment you’re going to be more likely to remember something you’ve already thought of rather than making it up on the spot.
- Wherever possible mix their kinks: If your sub is into being called a bitch and being throat fucked. “Alright you little bitch. It’s time for you to prove you’re going to be my worthy cockslut. Get on the bed I’m going to fuck your throat!”
- Make your boy say what he’s doing: This is part of what I like to call “the mirror technique” which I will explain in its own post another time. As it is relevant here, make your submissive say what they’re doing (if it’s humiliating or they enjoy it). If you do this, most subs will say it quietly and it pays to make them say it loudly. Your submissive will be further humiliated by repeating what they said and louder it will push them further into subspace which makes submissives more likely to follow orders in the future.
Best of luck with these tips. If you end up with any particularly good results feel free to share them with the rest of us ;).
hadriantemple:
Verbal play is an extremely important tool for doms. Many subs love to be talked down to, and many doms love doing it. There are a couple key reasons for this:
Being talked down to establishes the power dynamic.
Taboo words like bitch and faggot are sexually charged, and saying them empowers the dom.
Sex is to a large extent about imagination, and verbal play helps shape the imagination by guiding the sub to where the dom wants him/her to go.
Effective verbal play can help a sub overlook small mistakes the dom might make.
Being insulted, talked down to, and so on can be very humiliating, which some subs really enjoy.
Verbal play can build anticipation for what's coming next "If you don't do this well enough, I'm going to spank you." (Narrator: He was going to spank the sub anyway.)
I know one boy that I can make cum hands-free just by giving him a good chewing out (@boyspunky, you know what I'm talking about...)
So how do you learn to get good at verbal play? It's basically practice. Build up a repertoire of things you can say, so that you can develop some variety. Get used to saying things like "Down on your knees, cunt!" and practice them until you can say them with a straight face and a tone of authority. When you're done playing, ask for some feedback about what worked and what didn't. (You do ask your subs to give you feedback, right?)
So there are a few key principles to work with in verbal play.
1) Vary your language. Don't keep saying 'bitch'.That makes you look unimaginative and it drains the insult of its erotic charge. We've all watched boring porn where they just say "take that cock" or "oh my god that feels so good" over and over again. If you don't want to sound like bad porn, you need to work on your verbal game. So figure out as many variations as you can and alternate them. If your sub likes a particular term, use that one more frequently. And remember that for a sub, an insult can be a term of endearment. A lot depends on your tone of voice.
2) Use verbal play to build anticipation. Tell the sub what's coming next. If you want to spank the sub, you can threaten it as a punishment for failure, or promise it as a reward for good service, or just tell the sub it's coming. Getting good at this will create the impression that you've planned out the scene (even if you're just improvising).
3) Verbal play can tell the sub how you want them to understand what's happening. Most BDSM acts can have multiple interpretations. For example, pissing on the sub can be about enjoying the liberating physicality of the act ("It feels so damn good to take a piss!"), a statement of humiliation ("you're so pathetic you're gonna let me piss on you"), a statement of ownership and marking ('You're my pissed-on property"), a reward ("if you beg, I'll reward you with my piss") and so on. If you want pissing on the sub to be a humiliation, say so.
4) Verbal play can tell the sub how you want him to act. If the sub knows you want to humiliate him, he's more likely to play into that. And you can tell the sub what you want to see. "If you beg well enough, I'll stop torturing your tits" and "Who's my good boy? Who's daddy's perfect little boy?" can signal the behavior you want.
5) You can dramatize your power by promising things and not giving them or changing your mind. "Ok, you can stop slapping your cock now. No, actually, I've changed my mind. Keep going."
6) Learn the 'magician's force'. Stage magicians use this to guide the audience. If a magician wants you to choose the blue cup and you pick the red cup, he'll say, "ok, that's the one we'll set aside." It creates the illusion of choice while keeping the magician in charge. You can do similar tricks with a sub, in which you give the sub a choice while keeping the illusion of control. I often ask my boy "Would you like me to stop slapping your cock?" If he says 'yes', I'll say "That's too bad. I'm not ready to stop." (But now I know that the boy might be approaching a limit.) If he says no, I'll say "That's good, because I'm not going to." There are lot of games this can be applied to.
7) Verbal play can focus the sub's attention and plant thoughts and feelings in the sub's head. When I'm torturing a boy, I'll say "I'll bet having your tits clamped like that really hurts. You don't think you can take much more of that, do you?" If I'm stroking his cock I might say "God that feels good, doesn't it? Your cock must be bursting. You're probably hoping I'll let you cum soon." Things like that will focus the sub's attention on the facet of the experience you're trying to create. Being told the pain is getting unbearable makes it harder for the sub to manage the pain. And this can sometimes create the impression that the dom knows what the sub is thinking. The sub is having those thoughts and the dom seems to be vocalizing them, when in reality part of the reason the sub is having that thought is that the dom is encouraging the sub to think about that. Many subs love the fantasy of the omniscient dom.
8) You can also help your sub manage the experience through verbal play. "Deep breaths, boy. That will help you manage the pain" or "Ok, I'm going to untie you now. Relax, you'll be free soon."
9) Don't forget to praise the sub. Unless the scene is all about humiliation, praise gives the sub encouragement and helps them feel a sense of pride. And if your scene is about humiliation, you can break the sub down and then build them back up by praising the submissive behavior you're seeking. "You can take this spanking, boy. You've done it before."
10) Verbal mind games can be great fun. Blindfold the sub and then ask them to figure out what toy you're using on them. Or talk to them in ways that make them nervous. "Hmm. I haven't used THIS toy in a while. The last sub I used it on wouldn't stop crying. I wonder if you'll be able to handle it."
11) How you say things can have a big impact on the scene. Whatever you say, it's important to sound like you have the authority to say it. Tentatively saying "umm, take it, uhh, you bitch" is going to make you sound weak when the sub wants you to sound strong. So practice saying things forcefully. That doesn't mean yelling it. Yelling will actually tend to make you look weak, as if you're resorting to volume to make up for authority. Instead you want to sound like you are used to giving commands and having them obeyed. Varying tones give different effects. Saying it with an angry edge in your voice can make a sub anxious in a good way. Saying it with a sound of contempt works well for humiliation play. Speaking softly can sound menacing. And don't forget the power of whispering. Leaning in close to a tied up boy and quietly saying "I'm really going to enjoy this next part, even if you don't" can send some boys over the moon because it combines intimacy with menace.
A couple general points to remember about verbal play
1) Insults can wound far more deeply than most toys. So be careful which ones you use. For example, if your sub is overweight, they're probably somewhat ashamed of their body already, and having their attention called to their weight will probably be humiliating in a bad way. So avoid insults like "fat pig" unless you've talked to the sub and know they're ok with that. Similarly, racially-loaded terms can add excitement for a sub who's of a different race from you, but they can also be very painful, so make sure you include respectful negotiation around racial insults before you start to employ them.
2) Don't joke about ignoring safe words. The sub needs to know you're going to respect the safe word (unless you two are advanced enough that you've decided to drop safe words--a practice that is definitely not for new players). "No" can mean "yes", but "red" has to mean "stop".
3) Verbal play should stop during aftercare, or it should shift to a more gentle and comforting phase. "Yes, baby. Daddy's gonna take care of you now."
4) Not all subs like humiliation and insults, so go cautiously until you know that the sub enjoys that sort of thing. For some subs, being insulted immediately brings them out of their headspace and makes them angry. Just as you wouldn't flog someone without their consent, don't verbally abuse them without it.
So what's your favorite verbal trick?
Have a question or need a friendly ear?
Ask me anything about BDSM at BDSMadviceAlex AT gmail DOT com!
And please, repost my answer if you liked it so others who need to hear this can find it.
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