Dear Stranger with a Chip on Shoulder/Savior/Feminist Friend,
I'm an attorney, a community organizer and writer. Interestingly enough, all those things are about appreciating nuance. I make a living by reading between the lines, writing the lines and adding context to the lines. I'm also quite well-traveled and have friends from all sorts of backgrounds. I'm well-read. I'm a perpetual student of the world and history and movements. So, if you're going to talk down to me, come ready. I bore easily and bear sarcasm as a weapon.
Me wearing a head covering? Not oppression. I am making the choice to wear it in a country that was founded on religious freedom. No one is making me wear it. I don't care whether others wear it. I don't think that wearing/not wearing a head covering determines whether someone's going to heaven or hell. I understand God as less Anna Wintour and more about big-picture things like how we treat each other as human beings. Did you decide how to dress yourself today? Cool, so did I.
I like wearing it, I like how I feel wearing it, so I wear it.
And just to be clear, I'm not assuming responsibility for the action of men. The concept of hijab requires men to observe modesty as well. Not just in their clothing, but in how they treat women. If men are acting badly, it's not Islam that's to blame. They're running afoul of Islam if they're engaging in any form of sexual harassment or assault. It's every soul for itself as we are called to account before God.
Did you just say I should go back home? I'm actually being super American by standing by my religious beliefs. You're actually being a total fascist, trying to impose your viewpoint on me. You hate ISIS? Yeah, I do too. You know what ISIS does? They try to impose their viewpoints on others. Careful you don't become what you hate.
So can you go save someone who actually needs saving? Or can you direct your efforts to rolling back racial and faith-based profiling, which actually is oppressive to me? Hello? Hey! Where did you go? Typical.
Best,
Zehra
Dear Pizza Place Guys,
I want to apologize for not giving you the benefit of the doubt. I just started working in the neighborhood and I was hunting for a good pizza place. I came in and you looked at me pretty intensely. I was thinking, great, here we go. I assumed the worst.
I placed my order and reached the register, where you were waiting. You abruptly said, "We don't sell burka here." I sighed, nodded and put my guard up. You repeated, "You understand, we don't sell BURKA here." I said, "Yes, OK."
But then you must have sensed I wasn't understanding you because you repeated, "Bork! BORK!" And I asked, "Bork? Oh, are you saying pork? Cashier: No, you understand? We don't have BURK here. Me: (big smile) That's awesome. Thanks for letting me know." "Yes, that's what I said, no bork!" And I thanked you for letting me know.
Also, weeks later, when I came by, I was waiting behind a big, intimidating looking guy who was giving me a dirty look. Can I just say that I loved that, as soon as you saw me, you smiled and said, "Assalamu'Alaykum" loudly and proudly while you rang his order up? That guy didn't know what to do. He was outnumbered.
Best,
Zehra
Dear Woman on the Train,
OMG, do I have something on my face? In my teeth? Oh! You're staring at me because I'm wearing a head scarf. As it's technically wrapped around my head but out of my sight line, I sometimes forget that I'm wearing it. So when you're staring at me, it takes me a second to understand why.
But then I see you staring at me. Like a lot. Like your eyes are going to pop out of their sockets. You are making it very clear that you're judging me. I choose to smile at you. That's my first response. But, I have to warn you, if you continue to stare at me, I'm going to be tempted to take things to the next level with a wink. Stare wisely.
Best,
Zehra
Dear New Muslim Friend at Work,
You saw the announcement at work about new employees and you saw one of them was a fellow Muslim, a woman wearing a headscarf. Thank you for looking me up, stopping by to say hello during my first week, and checking in on me at least once a week since then. And thank you for saying you were so proud to see a Muslim sister join the ranks of attorneys at the firm. That kind of support is very humbling.
Best,
Zehra
Dear Muslim Auntie No. 1,
I came by at a wedding to say salaam to you. You stopped midway in your conversation and turned to face me, stood to hug me, and then whispered to me during the hug, "I have to say it. I'm so very proud of you. You're the kind of role model I want for my daughter. God bless you." Auntie, I get the feeling you really meant that.
Best,
Zehra
Dear Muslim Auntie No. 2,
It's true, wearing the head covering may put a damper on my chances of getting married. But can we get honest for a minute? Whatever I've done to ward off your son, I've done it successfully for 36 years. Let's not deny me the credit for driving him off for all these years all on my own. And Auntie, you get to keep that gem of a son all to yourself. Win-win!
Best,
Zehra
Dear Everyone,
Yes, it's summer, so it is, in fact, getting hot in here, under my scarf. A day later, yep, still hot. And just for sake of thoroughness, talking about how hot I am isn't helping me cool down. I like talking about ice cream, Antarctica, winter and air conditioning. Let's talk about those. Actually, the entire time you're talking to me, I'm fantasizing about going to Antarctica in the winter, with the air conditioning on full blast, and ice cream in hand. Yeah, that's much better.
Best,
Zehra
Dear Clothing Designers,
I was always a conservative dresser and found shopping difficult. That whole rule about exposing one body part for sexiness - either legs, arms, cleavage, back or legs? Totally not my bag. The low cut jeans are a nightmare. Layering is the hijabi girl's friend. I know. But do you know how difficult it is to layer things in the summer? Help a sister out.
Gimme some breezy high neckline, opaque, long sleeve blouses and tunics, some bright print dresses that don't dip into cleavage, some opaque slacks that don't narrow, tighten, squeeze, hoist or uplift. Gimme that bootcut, flowy, airy goodness. That's what I'm talking about. The modest fashion industry is catching on, but it's still a bit boutiquey out there. I need it to go mainstream enough to give me options where I already shop. Speed up, fashionistas. I'm waiting for you.
Best,
Zehra
Dear Jewish Commuting Friend,
I see you every morning on my commute. I can't help but notice that you and I share something really cool. We're both wearing articles of faith. Me with my scarf, you with your kippa and payot. We're both outed to the world as people of faith. And that garners a lot of negative attention at times, so I feel a certain solidarity with you even though we've never spoken to each other.
The only excuse I've had to catch your eye and smile at you was on a Friday when I had luggage in tow and got onto the elevator with you. I asked you what floor I should press for you. You looked up at me, smiled, and told me the bottom floor. You weren't the least bit phased by my scarf. I can't tell you how much it means in my day to have a smile come at me at first glance rather than a double-take or a glare.
And I found it incredibly relatable to be in the elevator with you when the elevator stopped one floor down and a short old coiffed up white woman was about to step onto the elevator, saw the two of us as she placed one foot in, and then inelegantly yelped and abruptly stepped right out, until her younger companion dragged her back in, glaring at her, and looking at us apologetically.
Best,
Zehra
Dear Muslim Girls and Women Struggling with Whether to Don a Scarf,
A lot of you have reached out to me since I started writing about my decision to wear the headscarf as an adult. You want me to help you figure out if it's going to be good for you or if it's OK to take it off. I can't answer that. I am a big believer in personal journeys. My journey saw me wearing the scarf as a teenager, becoming a de-jabi as a young adult, and then becoming a re-jabi in my adulthood. I needed the full perspective to appreciate the idea of this kind of modesty and to understand which way I preferred, and which brought out the best in me.
Wearing the scarf doesn't feel like a burden or hardship to me. If that's what it feels like to you, then maybe you're doing a disservice to yourself, the idea of hijab and to those who wear the headscarf. If I had worn it out of a sense of obligation alone, it wouldn't have lasted. I wore it because I knew I wanted to, that I felt fierce with it, and that no matter what came at me because of wearing it, I couldn't imagine not wearing it from that day on.
I can't deny that it may hamper your career trajectory depending on your colleagues, workplace and field. Can a female wearing a head covering be a litigator or a TV reporter? Yes, but she will have more of an uphill battle. That's not to discourage her; it actually means there's a pressing need for her.
Just never let it become something you resent. To me, it hasn't just been worth it, it's been rewarding beyond my imagination.
Best,
Zehra
Zehra Naqvi is a writer in New York. This column is an excerpt from the new book "Mirror on the Veil: A Collection of Personal Essays on Hijab and Veiling" edited by Nausheen Pasha-Zaidi and Shaheen Pasha.
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