Letting Go After a Good Relationship Turns Bad

This is the last in a series of articles on what to do when a good relationship turns bad. Previously I discussed recognizing when this situation occurred and what to do about it. Now I want to discuss how to psychologically let go or release from the relationship when you end it.

In my own case, I was very clear that I wanted to end the relationship, even after the woman sent an apology about being too harsh. Yet ironically, her emailed apology was combined with a misstatement about what had gone wrong in the relationship, as if to justify her actions though based on wrong facts. So her letter only helped to confirm my decision to end the relationship without any further contact, though others might respond by being open to further discussion about trying again. Yet having determined to make the break, I sought to do so diplomatically in by saying in a reply email that I appreciated her letter of apology, but I was sending a check to settle the matter, and I wished her the best in finding another writer to work with in the future. After briefly correcting her misstatement, I closed by saying: “All my best wishes for your future endeavors.”

Thus, if you really want to end a relationship that has gone bad, this article is about how to do that, so you feel emotionally and psychologically free after you make the break.

This letting go when you decide to move on can sometimes be hard to do, because you find it difficult to release the bond of connections you have developed with the other person, especially if he or she tries to contact you again to keep the relationship going. You may also have lingering feelings of sadness or regret. Or sometimes you might feel recriminations and regret, such as feeling that maybe you shouldn’t have broken the ties, so you may be drawn back to the relationship to give it another chance. That’s what often happens in abuse cases, where there is a cycle of recurring and escalating abuse. But this cycle can happen in a business relationship, too, where someone breaks with a partner, but is enticed back into giving the partnership another chance, and then what seems to work out at first reverts to earlier patterns.

Whatever the situation, here are some ways to end the relationship and let go.

1) Diplomatically close the door. For example, in your final letter or email, say that you are taking a certain action, such as making a payment to settle the matter, and you wish them well in their relationships or work with others in the future.

2) If appropriate, write a formal letter of separation in which you state that they won’t contact you again in return for some payment.

3) Avoid speaking to the person if you run into them at events.

4) Don’t call or write to the other person again.

4) Don’t answer the phone if they call.

5) Don’t respond to any emails or letters from them or someone representing them, unless these are sent by a legal process, which is unlikely.

6) If you work with or have a personal relationship with some of the same people as they do, don’t ask for any information about this person or relate your side of what happened and ask them to take sides.

7) If you have any shared property with that person, split it up if possible, so you don’t have to jointly deal with that property. For example, divide the property between you, or one of you might pay the other for their share, or perhaps sell the property to a third party.

8) Do the mental and emotional work to release your feelings about the relationship. For example, you might do any of the following:

- Meditate, and as you do, repeat affirmations such as: “I am released,” “I feel free now,” or “The relationship is ended for me.”

- Visualize yourself separating from the person. For instance, see them in a boat speeding in the water away from you; then the boat disappears in the horizon. Or imagine yourself on a cruise ship or airplane, and as you speed off to sea or rise into the air, they are further and further away in the distance until they are finally gone.

- Perform a “letting go” ceremony by yourself or with close friends, where you engage in certain activities to signify the end of the relationship, such as cutting a rope between you of that person or burning an image of them.

9) If thoughts of that person come up, stop your thinking about them and send those thoughts away by thinking about something else.

10) Engage in other activities to stop thinking about the past relationship, if such thoughts recur. For example, take a walk, go for a run, participate in a hobby, or do some work at home. This way you focus on what you are doing in the present, and you direct your attention away from what happened in the past.

You may have other ideas about what to do. The point is to fully disengage yourself from the past relationship, so you not only cut off contact but stop any lingering thoughts about the person.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

GINI GRAHAM SCOTT, Ph.D., J.D., is a nationally known writer, consultant, speaker, and seminar leader, specializing in business and work relationships, professional and personal development, social trends, and popular culture. She has published 50 books with major publishers. She has worked with dozens of clients on memoirs, self-help, popular business books, and film scripts. Writing samples are at www.changemakerspublishingandwriting.com.

She is the founder of Changemakers Publishing, featuring books on work, business, psychology, social trends, and self-help. The company has published over 150 print, e-books, and audiobooks. She has licensed several dozen books for foreign sales, including the UK, Russia, Korea, Spain, and Japan.

She has received national media exposure for her books, including appearances on Good Morning America, Oprah, and CNN. She has been the producer and host of a talk show series, Changemakers, featuring interviews on social trends.

Scott is active in a number of community and business groups, including the Lafayette, Pleasant Hill, and Walnut Creek Chambers of Commerce. She is a graduate of the prestigious Leadership Contra Costa program. She does workshops and seminars on the topics of her books.

She is also the writer and executive producer of 10 films in distribution, release, or production. Her most recent films that have been released include Driver, The New Age of Aging, and Infidelity.

She received her Ph.D. from the University of California, Berkeley, and her J.D. from the University of San Francisco Law School. She has received five MAs at Cal State University, East Bay, most recently in Communication.