Apologies to Aberdeen and Dundee United fans, as they battle for a place in Europe, but this really is all about Rangers and Celtic today. Because what will happen is this: Dundee United will host Rangers, two points ahead at the top of the table with one game to play, while Celtic face Hearts at Parkhead. Then between one and three teams will fail to turn up. Then the next two weeks, possibly two years, will be filled by tedious recriminations. Let's roll!

The teams at Celtic Park...

Celtic: Boruc, Hinkel, Caldwell, Loovens, O'Dea, Nakamura, Scott Brown, Hartley, McGeady, McDonald, Samaras.
Subs: Mark Brown, Crosas, Conroy, Vennegoor of Hesselink, Maloney, Naylor, Flood.

Hearts: Kello, Neilson, Karipidis, Mrowiec, Lee Wallace, Jonsson, Michael Stewart, Zaliukas, Obua, Elliot, Templeton.
Subs: Balogh, Tullberg, Nade, Thomson, Park, Johnny Stewart, Novikovas.

Referee: C Thomson (Scotland)

The teams at Tannadice, where Rangers have only won one of the last ten...

Dundee Utd: Zaluska, Kovacevic, Wilkie, Dods, Dixon, Caddis, Buaben, Gomis, Conway, David Robertson, Goodwillie.
Subs: McGovern, Dillon, Grainger, Scott Robertson, Sandaza, Swanson, Kenneth.

Rangers: Alexander, Whittaker, Weir, Bougherra, Papac, Davis, Mendes, Edu, Lafferty, Boyd, Miller. Subs: McGregor, Ferguson, Novo, McCulloch, Naismith, Fleck, Wilson.

Referee: D McDonald (Scotland)

And at Pittodrie, where you just know there are going to be about 47 goals...

Aberdeen: Langfield, Vidal, Severin, Mair, Mulgrew, Foster, McDonald, Duff, Aluko, Miller, Pawlett.
Subs: Bossu, Wright, Maguire, Stewart, Paton, Clark, Ross.

Hibernian: Ma-Kalambay, van Zanten, Jones, Murray, Chisholm, Rankin, Stevenson, Bamba, Thicot, Fletcher, Riordan.
Subs: McNeil, O'Brien, Keenan, McCormack, Campbell, Cropley, Johansson.

Referee: D Somers (Scotland)

Kick off is at: 1pm. The teams are already out at both Parkhead and Tannadice, giving you a rough idea what time it is.

And we're off! Conspiracy theorists will already note that the Celtic game started 23 seconds before the one involving Rangers, who therefore now know EXACTLY WHAT THEY HAVE TO DO. Does the number 23 have any significance? Does anyone have a copy of the Di Vinci Code to hand? Maybe there's something in that.

2 min: Rangers have started strongly, Boyd bustling down the right and fizzing a low cross that Edu can't quite redirect goalwards. Celtic appear to be on the front foot as well, and have just won a free kick outside the area to the left. This is Nakamura territory.

4 min: Nakamura fizzes a daisycutter towards the bottom-left corner. A very mello Kello does well to block the effort at his post.

5 min: GOAL!!! Dundee United 0-1 Rangers. Dundee United didn't learn from Boyd's earlier run. Davis pings a ball down the inside-right channel for Boyd, who with his back to goal takes the ball down and turns instantly. He pings a low hard cross into the middle past the advancing keeper, the ball pinging off a very confused Lafferty and into the net.

7 min: Miller breaks free down the right. He's in space with Boyd in the centre screaming for the ball, but stumbles over his own feet and the ball clanks out of play.

9 min: Wilkie is booked for backchat. A disclaimer: I'm trying to follow two matches at once here, and will probably miss goals, never mind yellow cards. But I'll do my best. Celtic, by the way, seem to be sitting back a bit against Hearts, after a hectic start. The news of Lafferty's goal may have taken a bit out of them.

11 min: Rangers are employing this low-crosses-from-the-right tactic rather a lot, and to some success: now Davis tries to find Boyd, and so nearly finds his man.

13 min: At Parkhead, Templeton is giving O'Dea a bit of a torrid time down the right. The Celtic man is holding out at the moment, but he's had to make a couple of last-ditch tackles already.

15 min: Conway swings a delicious cross in from the left, right onto the head of Robertson, but the Dundee United midfielder can't get any power on his effort and cushions the ball back into Alexander's hands.

16 min: Another deep Conway cross, another header cushioned into Alexander's gut, this time from Caddis. Rangers are beginning to look nervous themselves, and are sitting back. Which isn't a great idea: if they do try to hold out for the draw, they probably won't manage it. Meanwhile Aberdeen are now 1-0 up through Lee Miller. That's not good news for Dundee United, because as things stand the Dons are now Europa League bound instead of the Arabs.

19 min: A brilliant block by Papac, who blocks Goodwillie's shot as the Dundee United man gets some space down the inside-right channel. That's superlative defending, because Weir was out of the game totally there.

22 min: And what a chance for McDonald at Celtic Park, as he follows up a McGeady shot that's spilled by Kello but slices horribly wide right from six yards. On the touchline, Gordon Strachan is incandescent with rage at McDonald. In the stands, many Celtic fans are incandescent with rage at Gordon Strachan. Are three titles in a row not enough?

25 min: With Celtic streaming upfield in purposeful manner, Scott Brown needlessly passes the ball into the stand. A tense Parkhead makes its feelings known, with use of debating shorthand such as EFF and CEE.

28 min: McGeady cuts in from the left, running across the face of the box, beating player after player, George Best style. If he had more than two shoulders, there'd be a trail of about seven across the pitch. Finally he sends a screamer towards the bottom-right corner, but it's tipped round the post by Kello brilliantly.

31 min: Brilliant work at speed down the right by Goodwillie and Caddis wins a corner. Dixon curls one in, and it's heading straight for goal until Alexander plucks it out of the air brilliantly at the death. Rangers are looking very nervous now.

32 min: Davis pings the ball down the inside-right track past the United back line for Miller, who squares for Lafferty to convert into an empty net. It won't stand, though, Miller having made his run far too early and been caught miles offside.

33 min: Hartley's low shot from the edge of the area is deflected of Wallace's ankle and wrongfoots Kallo, the ball heading for the bottom-right corner. But the keeper does well to recover, smothering the effort with ease (eventually).

35 min: Celtic are beginning to turn up the gas, now, Nakamura having a low shot from a tight angle on the left palmed away, Samaras being denied a header on goal from eight yards by Kello, who plucks from the air. The keeper's having a big game so far, and that can only mean one thing. And you know what that means.

37 min: It's surely only a matter of time before Celtic score: Nakamura robs Templeton down the right and feeds Brown, who checks on the edge of the area to buy some time, then whips a rising shot just wide left when looking for the very top left-hand corner. That's a lovely move, and so unlucky for the Celtic midfielder.

39 min: What an unbelievable piece of defending. Papac whips a low hard cross into the United area from the left, finding Boyd clear, eight yards out. The striker miscontrols, yet after fannying around for ages, still manages to unleash a rasping, rising shot towards the top-left corner. Amazingly, though, Kovacevic manages to head Boyd's powerful effort off the line. How did he do that? Superb stuff. However, when you boil the bones down, that has to go down as a missed opportunity by Boyd.

42 min: After a clash of heads at Celtic Park, Loovens looks well jiggered. He hasn't a clue what day it is, though efforts are being made to ensure his continued involvement. I'm not sure he can go on: he looks like he's just downed a yard of bargain blended whisky, and is standing at the bar thinking about The One Who Got Away.

44 min: Dods scythes Edu down on the edge of the United area, to the right of goal. That's a yellow at least, surely, but the only card shown is to Buaben for a spot of backchat.

45 min: WHAT A GOAL!!! Dundee United 0-2 Rangers. This is some finish. Papac hammers a terrible free kick into the wall. It pings out left towards Mendes, on the edge of the area. The ball's spinning wildly in the air, but Mendes doesn't panic, simply shifting feet and directing a clever shot into the bottom right. What a lovely goal. The Rangers bench goes wild, as do the players. That could be immense. It's Rangers' title to lose now.

HALF TIMES: Aberdeen 2-1 Hibernian; Celtic 0-0 Hearts; Dundee United 0-2 Rangers. That's how we're rolling at the moment. This is good news for Rangers and Aberdeen, terrible for Celtic and Dundee United, the latter having fallen out of the European places. At Pittodrie, Charlie Mulgrew put the home side two up right on the stroke of half-time. Or so they thought, Derek Riordan going straight up the other end from the restart to keep Hibs in the game.

And we're off again! I've just seen Aberdeen's opener: it's a comedy classic, Hibs goalkeeper Yves Ma-Kalambay pinging a drop kick off Lee Miller's back, sending the ball rebounding into the empty net. What a clown. Miller was only standing a couple of yards away from him! Meanwhile Celtic have thrown on Vennegoor of Hesselink in Samaras's stead. "The significance of 23?" replies Alan Gardner, reviving a riff I thought had died at birth. "The amount of times in millions that whinging Celtic fans will say this summer that Lafferty should not have scored as he should have been banned."

48 min: Lafferty skidaddles down the left, but his cross is swept clear by Wilkie. United sweep upfield themselves, to little note, but this could be classic end-to-end stuff at Tannadice, with Dundee United needing a point to ensure European football next season.

51 min: THAT SURELY SHOULD BE IT!!! Dundee United 0-3 Rangers. This is so simple. Davis slips the ball down the inside right for Mendes, who offloads it first time for Whittaker on the wing. The resulting low cross is right on the foot of Boyd, who isn't messing around this time, sidefooting powerfully home from six yards. That's the title.

54 min: Parkhead has gone very quiet.

55 min: McGeady drags a low, hard shot wide left after being set up brilliantly by O'Dea, ten yards out. Parkhead has gone very, very quiet. You can just about hear Strachan sucking his teeth and clacking his tongue.

58 min: What a strange atmosphere at both matches. Everyone knows it's over.

60 min: Vennegoor of Hesselink tries to guide a looping header into the top-left corner from six yards, but gets far too much on it. Meanwhile at Tannadice, the Rangers fans sing "cheerio, four in a row". Could Celtic be saying goodbye to Gordon Strachan as well? After all, he could have broken Jock Stein's record by winning ten in a row, plus a couple of European Cups, and you get the feeling it still wouldn't have been enough for some sections of the Celtic support.

63 min: This has been all Celtic today, though. Just no real cutting edge up front. The story of their season.

66 min: Boyd, who wrapped up the title for Rangers, is given a wild ovation as he is replaced by former Dundee striker Novo.

69 min: Novo finds himself clear in the box, to the left of goal, but opts to cross aimlessly instead of shooting. That really should have been four, and the goal the former Dens Park resident is so desperate for.

71 min: Kenny Miller is replaced by Barry Ferguson, who has had such a great season.

75 min: Novo tries to lob the keeper from 35 yards out on the right. The effort is dismal. At Parkhead, Celtic repeatedly swing the ball into the area, and it's repeatedly cleared with ease by Hearts.

77 min: Celtic fans are stomping out of the Parkhead exits in a collective hot funk, possibly with the intention of purchasing some booze.

79 min: The ball drops to McGeady on the edge of the Hearts area. His shot is weak and screwed wide. Strange player, McGeady, who clearly has the talent but rarely delivers anything substantial with it.

81 min: The helicopter containing the SPL trophy is hovering above Tannadice. Is that Ferguson picture a visual prediction that Rangers will beat Falkirk in the cup final next week for two trophies?" wonders Alan Gardner, this report's reader. "Or is it V for Victory? On a serious note, I hope this is the last time I see Ferguson in a Gers strip."

84 min: Celtic have given up.

87 min: Poor old Strachan looks miserable as sin. Three titles in four seasons, he's won.

89 min: The Rangers support, working out that their side needs to concede four goals, at a rate of two a minute - or concede three while Celtic score one, an even more unlikely occurance - unveil a CHAMPIONS banner.

RANGERS ARE CHAMPIONS OF SCOTLAND!!! Dundee United 0-3 Rangers. Walter Smith is lifted into the air by Nacho Novo, a good three inches into the air. Smiles all round.

CELTIC ARE BOOED AT THE FINAL WHISTLE!!! Celtic 0-0 Hearts. Generous applause soon takes over, though, as their despairing team hang their heads, or hold them in their hands, or do both. Can you do both? I think so, yes.

AND ABERDEEN CLAIM THEIR PLACE IN EUROPE: Aberdeen 2-1 Hibernian. A mix of emotions at Tannadice, then; while Rangers celebrate the championship, Dundee United watch the tickets for their European tour go up in smoke. Nobody will be more miserable than Celtic, though, their arch rivals landing the title. Cue the rumours about Strachan's position, then: three, two, one...