Dear Ann Landers: I’m a 33-year-old guy with a good career and am attractive, loyal and caring. I decided early on that I didn’t feel right going all the way until I got married. Many of my friends have lived with a lover, which is OK with me. I am non-judgmental about other people’s relationships.
The problem is that I can’t bring myself to marry a woman who doesn’t share a similar sexual history. In the past 10 years, I’ve ended (with considerable heartache) three high-quality, long-term relationships because no matter how much I agonized, I simply couldn’t get past this obstacle.
I don’t broadcast details of my personal life, but I have talked about this problem with a counselor and two ministers. They all have said the same thing: “Get over it. It’s an irrational hangup. There are so many other important aspects of a relationship. Nobody’s perfect.” Some friends have suggested that I resolve the problem by having sex with “a nice, respectable girl” and be done with it, but that is out of the question.
Maybe I am irrational, but I feel deeply disappointed (and sometimes jealous) when a woman I consider wife material tells me she is not a virgin.
Does this mean I should keep looking until I find a woman who believes as I do that sex outside of marriage is wrong? Or should I put aside my high expectations and trust that a lifetime commitment will be enough for me to overcome my reservations?
Feeling Like the Last Holdout in Illinois
Dear Last Holdout: In my opinion, it would be a disaster if you married a woman who was not a virgin. No matter how hard you might try to overlook it, if your bride wasn’t 100 percent pure, you would always feel that somehow you settled for “damaged goods.”
Never mind that some technical virgins (hymen totally intact) have had a great deal of experience in fraternity houses, in parked cars, on sandy beaches, on living room sofas, in hammocks and anywhere there is a flat surface. A medical exam would reveal, however, that such a woman is clinically a virgin and therefore would be a viable candidate for you.
I sent your letter to Father Theodore Hesburgh, who for 35 years was the president of the University of Notre Dame. His response was brief but clear: “In a world of great moral irregularity, it is nice to know that some people still have high standards, first for themselves and, secondly, for those with whom they wish to spend the rest of their lives.”
So you get high marks from Father Ted. From me, you get best wishes and lots of luck. Happy hunting.
A surprise from Social Security
Dear Ann Landers: My son had a disability five years ago and qualified for Social Security disability payments. After two years, he was well enough to return to work. He notified Social Security to stop the payments. He continued to receive payments for another year, however, and cashed the checks. Then he was notified that he owed $8,500 and was told to pay up. This is only one example of the waste in government. Disgraceful?
Naugatuck, Conn.
Dear Conn.: Of course, but there are better examples dating back to the $700 toilet seat. Between accounting errors, computer foulups and people who specialize in cooking the books, billions of taxpayer dollars go down the tubes.
———-
Is alcohol ruining your life or the life of a loved one? “Alcoholism: How to Recognize It, How to Deal With It, How to Conquer It” can turn things around. Send a self-addressed, long envelope and a check or money order for $3.65 to: Alcohol, c/o Ann Landers, P.O. Box 11562, Chicago, Ill. 60611-0562.
