When I mentioned to a couple of people that I was planning on writing a column about women and their toes, they both offered me the same stern warning.
“People are going to think you have a foot fetish.”
Go right ahead and think that, because it seems like a perfectly lovely fetish to have, but, no, I do not have a foot fetish.
However, it is true that since the weather turned warm, I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time looking at women’s feet.
Or more specifically, their toes.
The truth is, toes freak me out, and not just the way they look. Just the word “toe” is a funny word. When I was a kid, all Scott Meitus had to do was say “toes” and I’d start laughing uncontrollably.
The thing about toes is that even though they’re way down on the ground, I can’t help but notice them quite often.
I look at toes for the same reason I look at car wrecks, OK?
It’s not only women’s toes; it’s just that women show their toes more than men and are far more likely to let their toes be seen in public, or in the workplace.
I know, this is a silly topic, but with all the great weather last week, it was hard not to notice that many women seemed to have decided to take their toes out for a ride before they were ready.
Walking down Lake Street on Monday, I stopped Clare Edwards, a flight attendant who lives in London, because she was wearing open-toed shoes.
She was kind enough to briefly discuss her toes with me.
“They just don’t look very attractive,” she said. ” They look very anemic and they haven’t seen the sun. There’s no color on them. If they had a bit of red nail polish they’d shine, and it would make it look like I made a bit of effort.”
And yet, you brought them out. Why?
“I probably wouldn’t have gone out at home,” she said. “But because I don’t know anybody here at all, I couldn’t care less. It’s my way of rebelling.”
Nevertheless, many Chicago women have tried to make their toes presentable to the public. Vu Hoang, the manager of Vicki’s Nails, reports that his Gold Coast store has been “crazy” over the last couple weeks.
“There are clients who come in who don’t ever come in,” Hoang said. “Then they expect a miracle.”
I asked him to describe the worst of what he has seen. If you have not yet had lunch, please feel free to skip the next paragraph.
“Toes that have nails that are so long they’re cutting through their socks,” he said. “Corns from rubbing up against shoes. It’s disgusting.”
Yes, it is. And keep in mind that not everybody is taking the time to go see their local neighborhood pedicurist.
One colleague of mine, who I’m sure has lovely toes, admitted that many women take toe-care shortcuts.
“The big toe chips first, so there’s this cheating of maintaining,” she said. “You just paint the tip of the big toe then you go out into the world.”
That is so fascinating, and so unethical.
Ultimately, most of the women I spoke with said that they wear the open-toed shoes not to annoy me, but because it’s very comfortable for them.
This I understand.
You see, I made my first-ever visit to a podiatrist last week, and it started out as easily the most pleasant doctor’s visit I’ve ever had.
The nurse came in and said “please remove your shoes and socks, and the doctor will be right with you.” So I did.
It was liberating. For the next few minutes, I just sat there in the doctor’s chair swinging my toes like Tom Sawyer sitting at the crick.
It was quite a lovely moment for me, until the podiatrist walked in.
I think my toes freaked him out.
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jgreenfield@tribune.com
