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Threesome Advice Panel: Are my dating standards unrealistic?

Friend asks me what my standards would be in a girl who I could possibly date. Three things: no kids, never been married and has to be in “decent” shape. I meet all three of these. Friend thinks those are unrealistic, and I think they are realistic. Thoughts?

—Question via Reddit

THREE ANSWERS

Michelle Lopez

Married | 32 | RedEye digital editor | @michelleglopez

Whether your friend is right or not doesn’t matter. Your standards for who you want to date are really your business and choice. However, I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out that you may be missing out by having such rigid expectations. I’m getting the vibe you are pretty set on what you’re into and not into, so there’s probably no changing your mind. But if you find yourself still alone after dating with these strict standards that you’ve deemed non-negotiable, perhaps you might try to step outside of your comfort zone and see who else is out there. You may be surprised and stumble upon a meaningful relationship with someone (GASP—a single mom?!) whom you would have easily written off before. That’s what dating is for, right? It becomes a whole new world once you stop judging books by their covers.

Jake Newton

In a relationship | 24 | RedEye designer | @jnewt

The short answer is yes, those are realistic … but that doesn’t mean you can (or should) say it out loud. While I could preach the Gospel of “Shallow Hal” and say that it’s what’s on the inside that matters most, that’s not always true. If those things are what matter to you, then you should be honest with yourself and your friends. But your narrow way of thinking could be keeping you from falling for that perfect person. You should never write off someone if they aren’t an exact match to the partner you’ve been imagining. It’s not unreasonable to have stipulations for potential partners, just maybe don’t be such a dick about it. As a (female) friend of mine in the dating world said recently, “If you’re not attracted to girls with a little extra, I guess it’s best to get it out there and move on.”

Shelbie Bostedt

Single | 23 | RedEye online content coordinator | @shelbielbostedt

I’m a firm believer that even with a certain set of standards, there’s someone for everyone, if you’re open to meeting them. You’re going to be attracted to who you’re attracted to, so whether or not these standards are realistic is beside the point since you won’t be able to change your mind about what you want anyway. But closing yourself off to entire groups of people based on a certain set of criteria might be inhibiting your own happiness. Depending on your age, these three things don’t seem entirely unattainable, though the older you get, the harder it will be to find someone who hasn’t either been married or had children. And also, in the interest of offering honest advice, the “decent” shape comment makes you seem a bit douchey, but, like I said, you’re going to be attracted to who you’re attracted to.

Thanks for reading “Threesome.” Each week, we take a look at a relationship question from the public and have three panelists give their insights. Have a question to ask? Shoot it over to us on Twitter at @redeyechicago or on our Facebook page. If it’s a little more private, feel free to email it to redeye@redeyechicago.com with the word “Threesome” in the subject line.