Despite a recent Tribune poll showing she’s fading fast in the race for Cook County Board President, Dorothy Brown could win this election — and my vote — if she just follows my plan.
Brown, the Cook County Circuit Court clerk, has already suffered through several cash-related controversies.
There was the Cash for Dorothy’s Birthday controversy, in which employees developed the purely involuntary practice of giving her cash gifts on her birthday just because they love her.
And recently, there was the Cash for Jeans issue, in which her workers kicked in cash so they could wear jeans at work. Some good government types who just don’t understand Chicago politics thought this was reprehensible, but Brown said it was all about “boosting morale” and charity.
“It is unfortunate that this innocent practice that helps so many causes is being subverted and maligned by some members of the media,” Brown said at a tortured news conference on Friday, in which she paraded charity cases before the cameras and droned on and on about her wonderful cash program, thereby plunging several reporters into deep comas. I would never go out of my way to malign a great program involving county officials accepting cash from their underlings. That’s the Chicago Way.
But her morale-boosting initiatives, like Cash for Dorothy’s Birthday and Cash for Jeans — and let’s not forget another of her favorites, reported in the Tribune months ago: Dorothy’s Cash for Christmas — have given me an idea that will win her the Feb. 2 primary.
Here’s the plan, Dorothy Brown:
Cash for Thongs.
Yes, Brown should stop playing defense with the cash issue, and quit spinning about how great it is that employees fork over their hard-earned bills, and realize that’s her strong suit. Accepting cash from her underlings is something she does impeccably well.
So, Cash for Thongs it is.
Just imagine thousands upon thousands of happy Cook County employees wearing thongs to work, eagerly kicking in a fiver every Monday and Friday to Cook County Board President Dorothy Brown, for the privilege of working in comfort and style.
Not thongs under their clothes. A few female editors reminded me that sometimes women wear thongs to hide those unsightly panty lines. But that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about all county employees wearing thongs. And nothing else. At least taxpayers would notice someone in a thong in February passing out campaign literature, and we’d know that they’d have a fat government pension someday. The thongless among us won’t get fat pensions. We’ll have to make do with a hot plate and canned dog food in our retirement years.
I asked around about the idea of Dorothy’s Cash for Thongs, running it past several public policy experts.
“Guys too?” said my friend Big Paul, who began to frown. Big Paul could crush your skull with just his thumb if he wanted to. “Let me let you in on something,” he said. “Guys don’t wear thongs.” That’s true. Most guys don’t wear them. I haven’t, and I can’t picture male politicians in thongs, either. Can you see Mayor Richard Daley in a thong, or House Speaker Michael Madigan, or Republican powerhouse former Gov. Big Jim Thompson? Nor would I want to.
Yet we can’t discriminate against men, so what would Dorothy substitute to keep male employees happy and contributing cash to her vast cash reserves, week after week after week?
What’s the guy equivalent of a thong that could bring more and more cash to Dorothy?
“I don’t know,” grunted Big Paul. “Write your own damn column. Talking about thongs.”
So, I asked some stylish females to help Dorothy with her new revenue enhancement idea. They pondered the guy-thong equivalent.
Bikini briefs or Speedos?
“Not if you’re wearing one,” said one stylish woman, and she’d be right.
Yes, all it would take is one look at my stumpy bow legs and that chunk of Mediterranean back hair and nobody would get any work done at the office.
Those muscle T-shirts, commonly known as “wife-beaters,” might work. At least they’re comfortable. But government in Illinois — for all the corruption — isn’t the Jersey Shore, as depicted in that MTV reality show. Our political workers have nicknames, but there’s no “Snookie” or “The Situation” among them.
“Well,” said a woman in extremely stylish killer shoes. “Guys don’t wear thongs. But they like to wear thongs for their toes. I mean flip-flops. They’re toe thongs, aren’t they? And guys wear them, even with all that hair on their feet, looking like … “
Like Hobbits with the hairy toes?
“They’re that hairy sometimes,” she said. “It’s disgusting. And they still insist on wearing flip-flops. So they can have Cash for Flip-Flops.”
Among the Democrats running for County Board president, Dorothy is the one to do it. I can’t see the frontrunner, former tweedy history teacher and Ald. Toni Preckwinkle, 4th, even touching cash, let alone a thong.
Whether its Cash for Dorothy’s Birthday, Cash for Jeans or Cash for Christmas, it all means the same thing.
If there’s one candidate who gets what politics is all about around here, it’s got to be Dorothy Brown.
Ka-ching.
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jskass@tribune.com
