When I was two months pregnant I made the big announcement at work. At a meeting soon after I was told, ”Sit down, take it easy. We reserved a chair for you–you need it.” I was startled and a bit put off. I didn`t even look pregnant at the time and certainly hadn`t yet come to terms with what was happening to me. At three months I was greeted with, ”Hi, Puffy, howya doin` ?” At four months, ”Hey, Fatty, you look great!” At five and six months,
”Have you been stealing basketballs?” and ”Did you swallow a pumpkin seed?” At seven and eight months, ”You`re getting bigger and bigger every day!” And throughout I answered questions such as, ”When is your due date?” and ”When are you leaving?” anywhere from 5 to 15 times a day.
As thrilled, excited and awed as I was by pregnancy, these comments from co-workers with whom I had shared ideas, projects and sandwiches in the cafeteria during my 12 years in communications were irritating. I thought I knew these people! Perhaps I was a little sensitive about the subject. Frankly, I was not too comfortable with the idea of having children. I had been married for 15 years and thought of myself as a career woman. For years I would not risk combining work with motherhood. But age 35 was the turning point. I realized that I had to take the plunge or spend the rest of my life wondering, what if? Pregnancy was an emotionally charged subject for me, and I knew it.
One day I decided enough was enough. After being greeted yet again with
”Hi, Fatty!” this time by a female executive whom I like very much, I stopped her, looked her boldly in the eye and said, ”I don`t appreciate it when you call me that. Why are you being so tactless?” After her first look of shock she became introspective. ”I don`t know!” she said. ”How stupid of me!”
She apologized and then it seemed the proverbial light bulb went on. ”I think I know why I said that,” she stammered. ”I`ve had so little contact with pregnant businesswomen. I guess I felt uncomfortable seeing you pregnant. I didn`t know what to say. How dumb!” I could have kissed her for her honesty.
I knew that people weren`t deliberately trying to upset me. Obviously my insecurity about my changing role was making me oversensitive. In self-defense I began talking to other businesswomen who were either pregnant or new mothers, and I discovered I was not alone. They all had cringed at insensitive comments made by previously normal associates.
I began to wonder if co-workers of pregnant women would appreciate a few pointers on how to deal with the situation. And perhaps pregnant businesswomen themselves could benefit from things I learned the hard way. After all, women who work late into pregnancy have frequently been called pioneers; there are not too many trails blazed for them yet.
If your colleague gets pregnant . . .
For the co-workers of pregnant businesswomen: Once the announcement is made, of course you should congratulate, celebrate and share the excitement. After that, hold the gory stories about childbirth, though positive tips or information are welcome. (”I have a friend who got a fantastic housekeeper through an agency. When you`re ready to think about such things, I`ll get you the agency`s number.”)
Be aware, though, that the pregnancy is still new to her too, and she may not be ready to deal with nitty-gritty details for months yet. Be sensitive to the fact that your co-worker may not want to discuss bottle versus breast-feeding immediately.
Another crucial point: While at work, most pregnant women are trying to do their jobs. Yes, the pregnancy is a major event, and for you to pretend it does not exist would be weird. But daily comments on her proportions can become a nuisance.
When a manager turns green
What do you do if your pregnant co-worker has physical problems at work?
Not all pregnant women experience symptoms such as fatigue, nausea or severe back pain. If she does, let her guide your response. In my third month I had to disappear every afternoon for a brief nap in the company nurse`s office. My absences were explained to those few who needed to know, and I appreciated the understanding of colleagues who did not make a big deal of it.
If there are serious health problems that cause many days` absence, this will affect the work schedule. Face the situation head-on. Subordinates and superiors may need to be involved in the solution. One woman in my company was violently ill with morning sickness for a month and a half and had to ask her subordinate to take on some extra work (with her boss`s okay).
If you manage a pregnant woman you obviously don`t want her to think you expect problems. But if they do arise, let her know you are aware of the situation and will try to back her up as best you can. In an extreme case, suggest that she start maternity leave early, but only as a last resort. Naturally, you will both have to discuss projects whose due dates coincide with hers and come up with contingency plans to make sure they get done.
If you find yourself feeling awkward around a ”burgeoning belly” or acting over-helpful, admit it. It takes courage to be this honest, and she may be relieved to air any tension. Say that you want to correct the behavior: ”I know I`m being old-fashioned, but I keep wanting to do things for you instead of letting you do them yourself. Will you tell me when you need help?”
It has been nice knowing you, dear
Whether and when a woman will return to work is emotionally charged on both sides and needs to be faced, especially if you are her boss. My irritation at being asked ”When are you leaving?” and not ”When are you coming back?” probably had something to do with my realization that in my heart of hearts I didn`t know the answer to the last question. Could I swear on a stack of annual reports that I would return no matter what? Having a baby was such a tremendous unknown that all I could go by was how I felt now.
Many women do return to full-time jobs after maternity leaves ranging from two weeks to six months. Therefore, there is an excellent chance that if she says she will be back, she will. Accept this. Not blindly, of course, especially if important projects are riding on her return. A discussion is definitely in order. Do not dispute what she says with such comments as ”Oh, once you see that adorable baby you`ll change your mind.” But do ask if she will need a transition period such as coming to work two or three days a week, if this is possible. Evaluate crucial tasks and decide whether she could do some of them from home in the beginning.
Making your pregnancy easier on others
Now for the other side of the story. What can a woman do to make her pregnancy easier on co-workers and herself? First, think carefully about when to make the announcement. Some experts believe it is best to wait until it is obvious, so that the woman has time to make the emotional adjustment before the world adds its two cents` worth. I did not. I think that my announcement at two months was a couple of months too early.
In any event, the first to know at work should be your boss. When you are face-to-face making the announcement, you will be able to see the mental machinery whirring: Will she really come back? Will the work get done? Who will replace her during her maternity leave? These are normal questions, and you should be prepared to answer them. Deal with as many as you can in that initial discussion.
Remember, pregnant professionals are still unusual, and there may be awkwardness on both sides. Be as direct as you can. Say ”My due date is Aug. 15. I`m planning to work until late July, but I hope we can be a little flexible, since I`d like to work longer but will have to see how I feel.”
Share ideas for finishing major, looming assignments. Don`t say you will work until the day before the baby is due, even though you may want to! It is increasingly common for women to work until very close to their due dates, but by that time you may need to relax and get ready for the big event. And you may need sick days.
I felt as though I had to be Superwoman and prove something for all of womankind. Looking back, I probably should have left work several weeks earlier than I did instead of waiting until my doctor told me ”Stop, or else.” A week before the baby was born I developed the first signs of toxemia; it was over 100 degrees on several working days in July, and yet I felt compelled to keep going. I should have realized that no one, not even the pregnant superwoman, is irreplaceable.
How to smile through your teeth
And now some strategies for coping with thoughtless remarks. First and most important, maintain your sense of humor. Ninety percent of the people who make silly comments mean well and simply do not know any better. If the person is a peer, you may feel comfortable enough to let her know that the remark rubs you the wrong way. If the wisecracker is a superior, you may have to grin and bear it, hypocritical or not.
If people are uncomfortable about your pregnancy, you will get the vibes. If you feel fairly secure with the person, bring up the subject. For example: ”I think some people feel awkward around pregnant women at work–it`s still pretty new to see us leading meetings. How do you feel? It would help me if you could let me know.”
Tell your boss how you want to be treated: ”I`ll be happy to continue traveling until my seventh month; after that I don`t think I should fly.” Or say lightly, ”I`m really not fragile, so don`t be afraid to give me new assignments, especially the tough ones.” Or, just as valid: ”I`ll be winding down next month for my maternity leave, so I should try to tie up all loose ends. It would probably be better if I didn`t take on new assignments then.” In short, pregnant businesswomen and co-workers alike should try to keep office life much as it was before. When the initial ecstasy wears off, everyone will be happy to go on working with the same efficient person they knew before she, uh, swallowed a basketball. (See how far I have come?)
Judith W. Ulmas returned to her career in communications after the birth of her daughter, Stephanie.
