Dear Amy: I recently married my longtime boyfriend. My husband and I each bring 14-year-old girls to the marriage.
During our long courtship, our daughters became best friends, but over the past six months, my stepdaughter has decided she doesn’t like, trust or want to associate with my daughter anymore.
She has told her mom and dad her problems, but won’t discuss them with my daughter or me. From the limited amount my husband has shared with me, the stepdaughter and her mother think my daughter is being deliberately cruel to her stepsister, but, of course, I don’t think she is guilty of or capable of such deliberate cruelty.
My husband and I are torn; we find ourselves each defending our own children.
I feel terrible that my daughter has been rejected, and believe that I’m hurting her further by participating with my husband and my stepdaughter in events that my daughter is excluded from.
My husband thinks I’m rejecting his daughter, but I’m just trying to protect my own daughter.
How should I handle this?
— Torn in Tulsa
Dear Torn: Your entire family — all of you — need to sit down to try to map out what has transpired to tear your family apart. Then you should work on coming back together.
This is an extreme test of your marriage, and so far you and your husband have failed. Badly. You two should approach this situation like the adults you are and, rather than let your teenagers pull you into separate corners, demonstrate that you are pulling for your entire family.
You should be willing to believe your stepdaughter’s account of the events that transpired. Why? Because any 14-year-old is capable of just about anything.
If your daughter needs to apologize for something she has said or done, she should do so, but she should not be excluded from events that other family members are invited to.
Your two girls do not need to be best friends. But they must respect each other, do their best to treat each other decently, and bring you and your husband in — together — when there are problems.
Dear Amy: I have a sister who is married to someone who has been out of work for more than a year. They have more than $100,000 in the bank and he decided to work on getting an MBA to make himself more marketable.
The problem I have is that they “let” his parents purchase big-ticket items such as a furnace that costs more than $5,000.
This is irritating. I have a degree and am trying to keep my head above water. Unlike them, I don’t live in a place that I cannot afford.
Do you think it’s right for grown adults with money to accept money when they should be spending their own?
Aren’t adults supposed to be completely self-supporting?
— Irked In Illinois
Dear Irked: Adults are supposed to be completely self-supporting. I completely agree with you. However, adults are also supposed to set aside their own sibling jealousies in favor of the long view.
While you can definitely have an opinion about your sister’s behavior, you really have no right to comment on choices her in-laws make.
There may be more — or less — to this arrangement than you know. It might be a loan, for instance, or an effort to get the house ready to put on the market.
Mainly, you should make sure your own choices are wise and sound.
If your nose is firmly pressed to the grindstone, it can’t be in other people’s business.
Your sister is a fool to tell you her personal financial affairs — and the next time she shares this sort of thing with you, you should warn her off.
Dear Amy: Responding to “Wondering,” who was bothered by a neighbor’s loud music. Years ago, before we were married, my husband moved into a town house.
One day, he had the stereo on and the phone rang. It was his neighbor who said, “Why don’t you come over for a drink and we can listen to your stereo.”
He got the point and they became good friends.
— Sunny
Dear Sunny: An excellent solution — and a successful result.
