Dear Amy: I am one of seven siblings. Our mother is turning 70 this year and we want to do something special for her. We have been talking for almost a year about all seven children getting together with our mother on a chartered yacht in the Virgin Islands for a four-day trip. Some of us are married and others are not, but we have agreed that this is a “siblings only” trip (we’re scattered throughout the country.)
Our problem is that our youngest brother’s wife has informed him that he cannot go on the trip unless she is allowed to go. He insists that he is a “package deal.”
We really want our brother to come, but we aren’t willing to have his wife override the six of us agreeing that this trip is for siblings only. It would also be unfair to the other spouses who have agreed to the “siblings-only” rule.
Would it be appropriate for the six of us to talk to our brother’s wife and try to persuade her to allow her husband to attend this once-in-a-lifetime occasion with his siblings and without her?
— Sacrificing Sibling
Dear Sibling: You should appoint an ambassador for your group, rather than gang up on your sister-in-law by trying to tag-team her into submission. The person closest to her and most sympathetic to her position should do the job (it’s not a job I envy — she sounds like a pill.)
The way you all have set this up, the only way you will get what you want and have a good time on this spouseless trip is with your sister-in-law’s blessing. I suggest being extremely solicitous. Don’t rule out bribery and/or a gigantic fruit basket. If you’re able, you and your siblings could get creative and offer the left-behind spouses a few days at whichever port you’ll be returning to — that way everybody gets a vacation.
If your sister-in-law won’t budge and your brother won’t come without her, then simply drop it and continue with your plans (she may change her mind once she thinks about life at sea surrounded by hostile in-laws).
Ultimately, if you think that your mother will be bereft without your brother onboard, then it might be best to actually give in to this. If so, treat your sister-in-law well — otherwise your mother won’t have a good time, and her good time is the whole point, right?
Dear Amy: I am a recent college graduate and have dated my boyfriend, “Jerry,” since high school.
Normally, I am not old-fashioned about relationship issues, but I can’t seem to ignore this one.
Since the beginning of our relationship, when Jerry gets angry he tells me to “shut up.” I find this incredibly disrespectful and juvenile.
I have tried not speaking to him after he says it. I have tried yelling back. I have threatened to break up with him, but nothing seems to work.
We are going through a rough patch now, and he has begun name-calling when he’s angry.
I used to think that he would “grow out of it,” but the behavior shows no signs of abating.
He’s my best friend and a loving boyfriend otherwise, so what’s a girl to do?
— Not Willing To Shut Up in D.C.
Dear Not: If your boyfriend really is your best friend, then why doesn’t he act like it?
If he isn’t making any effort to change the way he speaks to you, then he either doesn’t understand how this makes you feel or he doesn’t care.
Now it’s time to stop trying to get him to understand that you want to be treated respectfully and do the only thing you haven’t tried.
Say goodbye.
Dear Amy: You have expressed appreciation in your column for “teacher stories.”
Here is one from when I was in 2nd grade.
I attended a two-room school in rural Ohio.
Miss Lake was my young teacher, handling one room with grades 1-4 — about 38 children in all.
She was a wonderful teacher.
One of her methods was to sometimes allow children to work together.
I’ll never forget the following dialogue:
Me: “Miss Lake, can me and Evelyn work together?”
Miss Lake: “What did you say?”
Me: “Miss Lake, can Evelyn and me work together?”
Miss Lake: “What?”
Me: “Miss Lake, may Evelyn and I work together?”
Miss Lake: “No.”
Best wishes to Miss Lake, wherever she is!
— MLR in Riverside
Dear MLR: That goes for I, also.
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Ask Amy appears Mondays through Fridays in Tempo, Saturdays in the Weekend section and Sundays in Q. Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611. Previous columns are available at chicagotribune.com/amy.
