Dear Harlan: I’m going to be 16 very soon. I have a boyfriend who is 18, and I just found out I’m pregnant. My mom and dad don’t have any insurance on my siblings or me. I haven’t told them yet, either. Everyone keeps telling me that I need to go to the doctor, but how? I don’t have any money. I’m waiting till I’m 16 to get a job. Well, anyway, I need help!
Please help me, Harlan!
— Scared
Dear Scared: Talk to your parents. You should really tell your parents. What I’m really trying to say is that you need to talk your parents. They are the ones who love you and care for you more than anyone. They will protect you, help you and support you. And yes they’ll probably be surprised, upset and confused — and upset again, but that’s to be expected. Once their surprise gives way to reason, they can help.
As for your boyfriend, he might get in trouble (technically, he might have committed a crime), but he needs to be held accountable. If you’re mature enough to put yourself in this situation, be mature enough to deal with the situation responsibly. If for some reason you can’t talk to your parents, contact a teacher at school, an older relative you can trust, a spiritual leader, your local hospital or a Planned Parenthood near you by calling: (800) 230-PLAN. I know that you’re scared and confused, but you need to be smart about this. And in case I forgot to mention it — please talk to your parents.
Dear Harlan: Ever since my girlfriend’s two close friends got engaged, all she wants to do is talk about marriage and when it will be our turn. I’m 22 years old and still in college. I don’t even want to think about marriage until after I graduate. We’ve been together for one-and-a-half years now and share an apartment together. When I tell her that I don’t want to talk about it now, she just gets mad and starts a fight. Why do women insist on this? I love her and want to stay with her, but I think marriage is at least two years away for me. What do you suggest I tell her next time this comes up?
— Far From Engaged
Dear Far From Engaged: Most men look at marriage differently than women do. It’s not that we don’t care — it’s that there just isn’t the same anticipation. We don’t have a “Modern Groom” magazine. The show “A Wedding Story” isn’t on ESPN. We don’t get butterflies when thinking about engagement rings (we just get sweaty thinking about the price). For a lot of women, the anticipation is half the fun. Your girlfriend is excited, and she’s excited to share it all with you. It’s actually kind of sweet.
Next time she brings this up, don’t shut down. Open up and tell her that you need a couple years to set up a stable life, post-college, before starting a life together. This means graduating, finding a job, getting situated and saving money. Ask her to be patient. When she gets impatient, remind her, the longer you save, the bigger the ring. Most importantly, make sure that she knows that you want the same things she wants, but you want to make sure it’s all completely comfortable. And in time, it will be.
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Write Harlan at harlan@helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan! 2506 N. Clark St., Ste. 223, Chicago, IL 60614.
