I recently was winding down before bed by watching “Frasier.” I’d gotten minimal sleep the week before, and vowed to get enough Z’s every night for the following week.
Then I got a text message from a woman I know that read, verbatim: “I know I don’t normally do this, but I need to have sex now. Are you busy?”
Not that busy. I’m almost certain we woke the neighbors.
That was my first “booty text,” but it was far from my first electronic, voice-free request for some action. The pursuit of sex is no longer just a thing of dates and phone conversations. If bad Bruce Willis/Halle Berry movies have taught people anything, it’s that there’s dirty fun to be had over the digital waves.
A random instant messaging conversation about nothing can turn blue just like that. Before you know it, you’re glued to your keyboard. Dinner starts burning on the stove, pets get neglected and the laundry never gets done. Freaky Internet conversations can devolve even the most stalwart of adults into giggly 9-year-olds.
Those naughty little texts and e-mails are ideal when you’re alone in a house or apartment, but getting them during your work day can be a welcome distraction, too, as long as they don’t get you in trouble with your human resources department.
Perhaps the most inviting thing about such conversations is the absence of inhibitions. People who turn red-faced when sex comes up in casual conversation often channel their inner freak when typing behind a screen. Sometimes it’s easier to get more personal in an impersonal setting.
Of course, it’s the anticipation of the hands-on experience that makes these conversations even hotter. You ultimately want to act out the stuff you’ve been texting about. The perfect conclusion to a naughty convo:
“Well, I’m gonna jump in the shower then just chill out. You wanna come over?”
“Why, sure! On my way!”
A natural temptation is to embellish your appearance and “abilities” during these conversations. This is acceptable if you have no intention of ever meeting the person, but be careful playing yourself up if you can’t back it up.
Saying you’re a Grade-A Porterhouse on the Internet when you’re a can of Spam in real life will make for an awkward first (and probably last) date.
Text and Net talk aren’t just fun; they can be educational.
Conversation topics along the lines of “So what gets you off?” can provide solid information so you aren’t clueless when it’s game time. But because learning first-hand what makes your partner tick is a big part of the joy of sex, I recommend always holding back a little something in those convos.
When mere words aren’t enough, there’s always the Web cam. Only after a number of lewd Internet conversations should you put on your sexiest underwear and sit in front of that camera.
We all know the dissemination of information isn’t the only reason people love the Internet; when people want to get off, a computer often is not far away. Instant messages, chat rooms, e-mails and Web cams are easily accessible, don’t cost a monthly fee and actually involve real people with a genuine interest in you.
More importantly, there’s no risk of your mother coming across a “Midget Jell-O Wrestling” video on your desktop.
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redeyesex@tribune.com
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