Can women have sex without love or commitment? We recently heard from Ally and Hannah, who said yes. Today we hear what you had to say. . . .
Alyssa: “I’m a 31-year-old woman who recently made the mistake of believing you could have sex without love or commitment. I approached a friend who had been flirting with me and we decided to have a secret, strictly physical relationship. But he changed. He stopped flirting, calling and trying to get to know me. It was strictly sexual.
We have continued this secret relationship for over three months, and tonight I have to end it. I feel as if I owe him an apology for propositioning him. It was wrong and I just can’t continue to go through with it. I feel as if I have feelings for him, but I’m not sure if they’re lonely feelings of wanting to be with someone or if I really like him.
“I’ve learned you can have sex without love or commitment, but if you have a conscience it will eat you alive. Especially when your lover doesn’t answer his cell phone. You wonder whom he’s with. We can fool ourselves into thinking it will be OK — I’ll have some good sex, then he’ll go home — but in the end, you just feel alone.”
Jenna: “As long as I see huge potential problems in dating a person, then I’m able to maintain a purely physical relationship for an extended time. When a good friend has become a sexual partner, however, I’ve had a harder time not letting my feelings and expectations develop.
“Props to the women who don’t let their feelings interfere, but I can’t do it.
“As a side note, I’ve encountered a few men who have a very hard time accepting the fact that I am really and truly not interested in a relationship. They have grown so accustomed to women playing games about their true desires that they can’t accept the fact that sometimes all I want is sex.”
Taylor: “When both parties are on the same page, and one doesn’t expect more than the other, a relationship based on just sex can work just fine. I’ve had many of those.”
Isabella: “The truth is, sex was designed by God to be the glue that seals a marriage together through the couple’s first year of life together. It’s like a balm, to soothe the rough spots in a new relationship.
“If a couple have sex outside of marriage without love or commitment, then sexual activity won’t have the same effect when they do get married, whether it’s to each other or not. A couple don’t need experience; they just need commitment.”
Allison: “The best sex I’ve ever had has been with men with whom I was not emotionally involved. While no doubt sex with love is wonderful (and I’ve had that too), sex in and of itself is so beautiful and feels so good that love is not always necessary for a fulfilled sex life.
“I’m 59 years old and having an affair with a 33-year-old. We’re not at all emotionally involved, but our sexual encounters are so magnificent that I shiver for days and days afterward just thinking about them. It’s unfortunate that for so many centuries organized religion has bashed us over the head with the notion that sex is just for procreation and can only be justified in a committed relationship. The effect has been that women and many men find it difficult to enjoy one of nature’s greatest pleasures.”
Samantha: “A friend of mine said her affair kept her marriage alive. She said she only needed good sex from the other man.”
Mary: “Sex without love or commitment, as a type of release — like having a couple of drinks after a long day’s work — doesn’t work. This kind of carefree intimacy can only end up hurting one or both parties.”
———-
What are your best/worst/funniest/saddest Valentine’s Day stories? Send them, along with your relationship questions, to Cheryl Lavin, Tales From the Front, Chicago Tribune, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611 or e-mail cheryllavin@aol.com.
All names are changed. Letters cannot be considered without name, address and day and evening phone numbers. Letters may be used in whole or in part for any purpose and become the property of the column. Read Tales From the Front Monday, Wednesday and Friday in Tempo.
