How should we characterize this slaughter of the Chicken Selects? Fowl play? Paltry poultry? Egg beaters?
Leo’s all-Chicago fantasy baseball team has taken on the look of desperation. And it ain’t pretty, folks.
LEO: I have a fun stat for you: Jacque Jones, Juan Pierre, Todd Walker and Michael Barrett COMBINED for 0 homers, 1 run and 1 RBI this week. Clearly the Chicken Selects are hitting their stride.
JIMMY: See, you’re looking at this like the glass is half-empty. What you should be doing is looking at it like the glass is completely empty. You poor, poor thing. And I say that with as condescending a tone as I possibly can.
LEO: Let’s set aside my miserable fantasy team for a second. If the Cubs were, say, the Philadelphia Cubs or the Los Angeles Cubs and they played this bad, there’d be heads rolling in the streets, trades being made–something would be happening. Chicago just shrugs its shoulders. Unbelievable.
JIMMY: Sure, it’s called battered-fan syndrome. But don’t blame the Cubs, really it’s not their fault. It’s our fault.
LEO: Yeah, you’re right. We should be buying more tickets. Shame on us. So, seriously–you whipped me even though Jermaine Dye didn’t even have an official at-bat this week?
JIMMY: Yep, and I’ve instructed him to rest this week too. I’m curious about your plans for the rest of the year. Are you going to just take it, or do you want to start trading? Because I’ve had my eye on Jim Thome for quite a while.
LEO: Not a chance. Well … maybe for the right price. After all, Kerry Wood’s going to be back any day now, and I could use another pitcher who’s going to disappoint me.
JIMMY: Make you a deal. You can use Wood’s Iowa stats this week if you want to pick him up. No fooling. Now we’ll find out A) how badly you want to win and B) how little pride you have.
LEO: I hate you. And, believe it or not, I have too much pride to use minor-league stats. That said, how about I give you Thome for all of your White Sox players? Take notes, Jim Hendry–that’s how it’s done!
Leo’s Chicken Selects
Batters: Thome, Pierzynski, Iguchi,Uribe, Pierre, Jones, Walker, Barrett.
Pitchers: Marshall, Buehrle, Garcia, Garland, Dempster.
Jimmy’s Bird Brains
Batters: Konerko, Dye, Crede, Podsednik, Anderson, Ramirez, Cedeno, Murton.
Pitchers: Maddux, Zambrano, Contreras, Vazquez, Jenks.
WEEK 5 RESULTS
The Bird Brains won the week, 8-1-1, and they lead the series 4-0-1.
KEY: Category winner
