Dear Amy: My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years. We are seniors in college.
One of his core values is sobriety. He feels very strongly about not drinking, and he does not want to associate with others when they drink.
I have never gotten drunk, but I do have one or two drinks per month with friends. When I told him this, he became extremely frustrated, and things are now very rocky between us.
I feel as if I did something devastatingly wrong, even though I know I didn’t. I know I cannot promise him I will never drink again, but I respect his values to the extent that I will continue to be very moderate in any drinking I choose to do. I will always be smart and not put myself in a dangerous situation.
I feel as if he doesn’t trust me now.
What should I do? I love him and I want to make things right, but I won’t make a promise I know I can’t keep.
— Sober
Dear Sober: You don’t say what your boyfriend’s issue is with drinking — whether his view is religious or cultural or based on a negative experience with alcohol. But what this proves is that he can trust you — he can trust you to be honest.
You need to take responsibility for making a choice you know disappoints him, and unless you plan to swear off alcohol, he needs to make a decision about whether this is tolerable.
If you are of legal age, you are doing nothing wrong. He may be disappointed, but he cannot control all of your choices, even if he disagrees with them.
Dear Amy: I have a close friend who has a conflict with her boyfriend. They have been together for more than seven years. Finally, they decided they would like to live together. The problem is that he is a suburban gentleman, and she loves the city.
They attempted to compromise by selecting a suburb with citylike qualities. However, as they were about to rent a place, he pulled back, saying that the compromise suburb was not suburban enough and that she was not giving sufficient weight to his feelings.
This is the first major life decision they have had to make together, and I feel like either one of them giving in completely will set a terrible precedent for future conflicts.
Is there a solution I’m not seeing?
— City Mouse
Dear City Mouse: In a relationship, there are times when partners will “give in completely” to each other as part of an exchange, using currency that is built up through experience.
The only terrible precedent here is the one this couple is setting for their inability to decide where to live.
Looking for housing proves very frustrating and upsetting for a lot of people, but this couple should be able to move through their frustration and arrive at a solution that might not be ideal for either of them, but will be “good enough” for both of them.
They might be learning that living together is not for everyone. This couple may do best by being just a little bit apart.
Dear Amy: Reading the letter from “Anorexic” brought back some long-buried memories. “Anorexic” said she did not want treatment and she didn’t want to recover.
When my first wife and I were in college, we lost a very close friend to this disease. This is not a “disorder” and certainly not a “lifestyle,” as you pointed out.
Please Amy, this young woman, like so many with anorexia, is in danger. Anorexics have an almost superhuman ability to deny or rationalize what they “see” in the mirror.
My friend was 5 feet 10 inches and weighed 80 pounds at the end. The worst is not the end but the painful road leading to it. My friend did not want to die, but the damage to her organs was irreversible.
We watched a beautiful and intelligent young woman fade away.
— Bernard in Kingston, Ontario
Dear Bernard: Anorexia is a devastating disease; the person suffering from it must commit to treatment in order to recover. I’ve read many heartbreaking letters such as yours, pointing out that anorexia can be fatal.
