Dear Amy: I am in a predicament that I’m sure many other 50-somethings can relate to. I have an elderly aunt who lives nearby. She is a sweet person and somewhat handicapped. I have been doing her favors and keeping an eye on her for years.
My aunt has two sons who live in other states who come to see her once a year. The attention I give her is slowly transforming from friendly errands into caregiving. I contacted my cousins, who are not very interested in taking responsibility. Their response and advice is to just “blow off” old Mom if she asks too many favors.
I just can’t be mean to her — she needs somebody, and I’m about all she has.
My cousins always say, “Thanks for taking care of Mom! We appreciate it!” Well, I don’t want praise, I want help. I also don’t want any bad blood with the cousins.
I sacrificed plenty when my own parents were aging/dying. Currently, I have a full-time job and not a lot of spare time. Any advice?
— Worried Niece
Dear Worried: You should write an email and send it to both cousins, telling them frankly and specifically what you feel their mother’s needs are at this point.
Here’s an example of what you might write: “Right now, Aunt Carol is having trouble bathing and keeping her place clean. She needs rides to and from the grocery store and the doctor, and also needs help filling prescriptions and taking her medication regularly. She fell last week but didn’t tell anyone, and I’m worried about her.”
Be very specific.
You can assume that your aunt doesn’t disclose to her sons the extent of her needs.
The U.S. Administration on Aging provides an “elder care locator” (eldercare.gov). Send a link and suggest that they look into hiring caregivers who can see their mother daily.
Tell your cousins that when they come for a visit over the holidays you would be happy to talk this through with them but that you can no longer give her the care she needs.
Their telling you to ignore their mother is unacceptable, and you’ll have to convey this to them.
Dear Amy: I nanny for two wonderful boys ages 5 and 8. Their parents have a date night each Friday, they are generous enough to allow me to take the boys to college hockey games on these nights.
With season tickets, we sit in the same spot each time. So do the people around us.
Directly behind us, the seats are occupied by a group of middle-aged men who are very passionate; this passion often involves swear words.
The boys tell me the men are saying “bad things” and later they have repeated the words.
I’m worried for the boys (who have gotten in trouble for swearing) but I also understand how people behave at sporting events.
Do I have any right to ask the men to watch what they say?
— Concerned Fan
Dear Fan: As you are taking your seats, turn around and introduce the kids to the men behind you.
These men might have left their own kids at home and might not really want to spend quality time with yours, but all the same it’s hard to resist the charms of pint-sized fans.
Being more aware of the kids’ presence might prompt the men to unsalt their language somewhat on their own without you asking.
You’ll also have to teach the boys about “earmuffs.” Every time they hear a bad word, they can put their hands over their ears, signifying that they understand they’re not really supposed to hear it.
In the car on the way home, explain to them that, along with hip checks and bloody noses, what happens in hockey, stays in hockey.
Dear Amy: I feel sorry for “Julie,” the “fake blonde” who doesn’t know how to have fun with it when people tell her “dumb blonde” jokes.
My pat answer to blonde jokes is, “Oh, it’s even worse. I was born a brunette, but I’m blonde by choice. How dumb is that?”
It gets laughs every time.
— Susan
Dear Susan: This is perfection. Thank you.
