My deepest conflict in my BK career – a “Thorn Birds” forbidden muse (BK Memoirs, Chapter 6)

When Karen heard about my public declaration of marrying Gita, she went berserk. In her teenage mind, she began to fantasize that I had asked to marry her instead. When the dust settled after I returned from my one month stay in Madhuban headquarters after the fake chariot incident, she wrote to me a series of intimate but very mature love letters. She was 11 years younger than me.

Nearly all psychic readers, fortune tellers, palm readers, and Chinese Four Pillars of Destiny masters asked me about this young woman who featured very prominently in my destiny charts, whom I was destined to marry in my late twenties or early thirties, but I never did.

If the fake chariot was my biggest downfall in my BK career, then my friendship with Karen was my deepest conflict in my BK career, and this was even harder to cope. Karen’s letters pulled my heart strings. I didn’t know what to do, as I had no one to talk to. I wanted to talk to Sister Maureen, but I ended talking to an older BK confidante, whom I gave BK knowledge to, and she was the one who surrendered one of her bungalow houses to be made into an official BK centre in Petaling Jaya, I was a resident at that centre.

My conflict reminded me of a 1983 American TV miniseries called Thorn Birds, starring Richard Chamberlain and Rachel Ward, based on the 1977 novel of the same name by Colleen McCullough. The story is about a priest who friended a 17-year old, and later the lovers consummate their passion, and they had a son whom the priest only discovered before he dies in her arms at their son’s funeral.

In the months before I migrated to Hong Kong, we went for some walks and chatted by some remote stream creek. She questioned my loyalty and dedication to BKs. I told her I was married to God, and showed the meaning of BK golden wedding ring to her.

The other story I could relate to was Pope John Paul II intense friendship with married writer, Anna-Teresa Tymieniecka, who was his confidante up to a few months before he died. They went on secret camping trips. The close relationship lasted more than 30 years. More than 350 letters were found at the National Library of Poland, the first dated in 1973 and the last a few months before his death in 2005.

We kept our friendship when I went to Hong Kong as pen pals by sending each other snail mails. Then I left BKs in 1989. In one of the trips back to Malaysia in 1990, I took Karen to see my parents in my hometown. It was the one and only time I ever brought a girl home. My parents were absolutely thrilled to bits that I finally brought a girl home, even though she was not my girlfriend. Karen and I were not a couple, it was platonic.

I remember that day as if it was yesterday. She has grown into a very beautiful, 20 year old, adult woman. She revealed to me there were many young and older men chasing her. I was very blur whether it was revealed to me so that I would get jealous and want her more.

We went to my childhood bedroom, and lied side by side together in bed. I was so stiff, awkward, and naive. I had no game, and no experience in dating or the art of seduction. This was some six months before I lost my virginity to a British woman. So I was still a 30 year old virgin on that day.

Suddenly Karen showed me her right thumb and impatiently asked me to “Suck it, suck it, suck it!”. In Western astrology I have 4 Planets in Virgo, making me a Super Virgo. I was so shocked and disgusted at the thought of sucking her thumb. I refused to do it. She asked me why I didn’t want to suck her thumb. I was speechless. She tried a few moves to arouse me but I was soft, as I didn’t lust for her. She was not even my girlfriend.

Karen smelt so good though. I mean not just her unique perfume she had on, but from the little brushes of her hands, fingers, her body and her face on mine, I could smell her unique, sweet, sensual body scent. She had beautiful long hair, a pretty face, and she looked wonderfully gorgeous in her mini shirt. But… I was not aroused, ok maybe a bit. “And waste a chance that I’d been given” from George Michael’s Careless Whisper lyrics. I guess BK conditioning taught me well.

After the Gita Daji Fox seducer episode, I was not going to be so easily seduced, you know. But Karen was not a bad Daji or a good Kitsune, but a very sweet girl which I was destined to marry as featured in my charts. But that destiny did not happen. Five years later I realized why.

In that same year in 1990 after I brought Karen home, I popped the cherry in Hong Kong. We lost touch. Four years ago, I went to Karen’s old house but the current owner said they had sold the house. I wanted to find out if she had died around 1994. Why?

Because a staff who worked with me in 2015 had an uncanny character, vibes, and resemblance of Karen. I call her Mia (not her real name). Mia was also a natural beauty. She is a doppelganger of Shu Qi, who is half Taiwanese. I had a huge crush on her. Mia and I got along famously, we were a confidante to each other. I felt I knew her from a few lifetimes, through some of our dreams and premonitions. Mia went on some awesome, fun company trips with me and some senior consultants. Many noticed the great chemistry we had. Some curious ones asked me if Mia is my daughter, or… my girlfriend, or… my sugar baby. She was none of these.


But Mia and I have an even bigger age difference than Karen and I. And the Malaysian society is not very kind to such big age difference romance, but not in Hong Kong, where nobody cares, especially if one is a tycoon or a celebrity. I was thinking of her every day. Then I decided to solve my crush obsession by making her a Goddaughter.

I have three Goddaughters, Stella, an Ex-BK, the only daughter of Ex-BKs Harry and Julia, Suyi, my neighbor in Wanchai and ex-girlfriend of my late Godson Todd, and Fiona, from Guangzhou, who married and later divorced my Head of Cantonese training.

I tried to trick my mind that if I treated Mia as a Goddaughter I would be able to let go of my crush. I even asked permission from Mia’s mother. She was fine with it. Then Stella, my eldest Goddaughter asked me point blank if there is any chance my feelings for Mia be ignited again after she became my Goddaughter. I replied yes, there is a very good possibility. Then Stella advised me strongly not to make her my fourth Goddaughter. I quietly dropped the idea.
______________________________

After struggling with my feelings and being inspired by Arianna Grande’s song, One Last Time…

So one last time

I need to be the one who takes you home

One more time

I promise after that, I’ll let you go.

I don’t deserve it, I know I don’t deserve it

But stay with me a minute, I’ll swear I’ll make it worth it

Can’t you forgive me? At least just temporarily
I know I should’ve fought it, at least I’m being honest
______________________________

I took courage and I thought if I don’t try at least one last time, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. I told Mia the truth and the heart of the matter. Mia out rightly rejected me and she said,” I have standards you know! I will never marry you!”

Yes she does… has standards. She has a few thousand followers in Youtube. She is a very good presenter. And as the song goes, I promised after that I let her go. I declared I would not “kacau” or disturb her any more. She posted that in some Facebook posting, and then she blocked me in FB. So, no regrets since I tried one last time. At least I’m being honest.

Oh, how do I know that the soul of Mia is most likely the same soul as Karen. During one occasion when she taught me how to smoke and inhale, she gave me a joint, and impatiently asked me to, “Suck it, suck it, suck it!” I rest my case. A similar past live scenario was portrayed in the amazing movie “I-Origins”. Watch my video: https://tinyurl.com/4c5xzwax

Mia and Karen were my past muses. I know, no man will love them more than I love them.

Written by: Robren

Published: 18^th March 2021.
Updated: 19th March 2021.