So... not that I play Exalted (would be willing if the chance came up)... but it occurs to me, that if nobody has made a chiropractic martial art, they now need to... probably only a Terestrial one, but... bonus points if the appropriate pony would have it as a native one.
[Where I Watch] My Little Pony 3: Celestia Is Love, Discord Is A Dick (2 Viewers)
- Thread starter sun_tzu
- Start date
Or the martial arts equivalent of the medic's gun in TF2. You beat someone up to make them heal.
Why not both at once? Chiropractic as what the style is reminiscent of, and healing as the effect. If chiropractic is too narrow, you could add acupuncture (with needles, not fingers to pressure-points), massage therapy, and maybe even such things as aroma-therapy(pheromone based?)... all with healing effects.
Also, I am sorta a newbie on these forums. What would be the appropriate place for such things to be developed (noting that I wouldn't be doing much with it, since, as I implied, I don't even own a copy of Exalted)? I do homebrewing on Giant in the Playground, but none of the forums around here looked appropriate. Despite this, there was a comment made about "This is RPG.NET we can MAKE a d20 MLP" mentioned in this thread-series when someone bemoaned the fact that WotC's stuff in the direction was an April Fools thing.
Last edited:
Your best bet is Tabletop Roleplaying Open for brewing up variants on/for existing games (for example, that's where the using FATE for My Little Pony thread was).
I'm pretty sure that's Citrine Poxes of Contagion.
Both. With epic levels of HOLY HORSEAPPLES thrown in.
I want a Big Mac plush so bad now... so bad...
DL
Welcome back to Equestria! In recent news, the country has been attacked by the Ebon Dragon, who proceeded to make all of reality go bonkers for shits and giggles. Thankfully, the Elemental Harmony Squad, following directions from God-Queen Celestia, were able to seal him away once more.
So everything's fine and dandy, right?
No-one is suffering from any form of PTSD, right?
Right?
Lesson Zero
Twilight: "All right, Spike, do write down everything. We need to check off every item of today's to-do list."
Spike: "Yeah, yeah. Always organized. I've spent enough years with The Pony Of Plans to know the drill by now."
Twilight: "And then, we'll need this other list to double-check everything!"
Spike: "Very thorough."
Twilight: "And then, this other list to triple-check things, and be absolutely sure nothing was missed!"
Spike: "...That's new. Are you sure you aren't overdoing it?"
Twilight: "Order is required! I mean, um, pretty sure."
Spike: "It's just that, you kinda seem to be on an even bigger OCD kick than usual, and..."
Twilight: "Spike, check 'reassure my assistant all is fine' off the list."
Spike: "...It's an actual item. Scary."
Twilight: "Item #22: Get cupcakes from the Sugar Cube Corner!"
Mrs. Cake: "Here's your order, sweetie! Always a pleasure to-"
Twilight: "Um, I cannot help but detect a variance in frosting among the cupcakes exceeding the minimum required for visual detection."
Mrs. Cake: "What?"
Twilight: "And, given that I'm planning to share these with my friends over a picnic, I don't want anypony to think they got more frosting than somepony else..."
Mrs. Cake: "Really, I don't think your friends would-"
Twilight: "Mathematical precision is required! I mean, um, it's OK, I'll fix this."
Twilight: *fixes this*
Twilight: *sort of*
Twilight: *I mean, the cupcakes have equal amounts of frosting now.*
Twilight: *Just slightly over zero.*
Twilight: "There! Order restored and enforced! So much better!"
Mrs. Cake: "...I have not seen such OCD since that time I asked for Rarity's help with that 'special' order of a bridal dress with pockets of whipped cream. Are you sure you're OK, dear?"
Spike: "She's been like this since she got back from the celebration in Canterlot. Like, herself on quirky steroids."
Twilight: "Well! Looks like we've got everything on the checklist done!"
Spike: "And thank Celestia for that! I think I got carpal tunnel from checking off so many items! At least we don't have to write down a letter to Celestia."
Twilight: "What."
Spike: "Letter to Celestia? You know, the ones where you describe the lessons you've learned about the magic of friendship?"
Twilight: "WHAT."
Spike: "Ah, Twilight, is something wrong-"
Twilight: "HELL YES SOMETHING'S WRONG! I send Celestia one of these letters each week every week without fail! Come ursas or high dragons or buffalo wars or reality-warping Yozis, I. Send. A letter."
Spike: "Yyyyeah, because you have something to write about. You just have to wait until-"
Twilight: "Wait? WAIT?! Spike, if I don't send a report by the end of the day, I'll be tardy!"
Spike: "Look, I know you care about your schedules and stuff, but this really isn't such a big deal-"
Twilight: "YES IT IS! Spike, this isn't just a post-graduate research thesis, its arms race R&D! Those letters played a pivotal role in saving Equestria from the Ebon Dragon last week! The letters must flow, or the Elder Evils have won! The letters must flow!"
Spike: "Given Celestia's history of utter reasonableness..."
Twilight: "Not taking chances! She could think I'm not taking my studies and national security seriously! And bring me back to Canterlot! And send me to magic kindegarten!"
Spike: "I'm surrounded by idiots."
Spike: "...Whoa. Déjà vu. What was that about?"
Twilight: "OK OK OK. I'm the Pony of Plans. I'm going to solve this."
Spike: "By calming down, taking a chill pill, and relaxing? Hopefully? Please? Pretty please with tasty gems on top?"
Twilight: "By finding a problem my friends have and solving it!"
Spike: "Darn."
Twilight: "So! Spike, tell me everything about your problems! Feed me your pain!"
Spike: "Well...I'm not entirely sure how to help a friend cope with post-traumatic stress disorder."
Twilight: "Sigh. All right, I'll see if the others need my help." *exeunt, pursued by madness*
Spike: "Well, this looks like a job FOOOOOR..."
Spike: "...someone else."
Somewhere!
A distressed call!
Rarity: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Twilight: "Do you hear that, Sparkle? That is the sound of ultimate suffering. My heart made that sound when the Ebon Dragon killed our friendship. The Pony in White makes it now."
Twilight: "In other words, BINGO!"
*Twilight Sparkle bursts in, dramatically!*
Twilight: "Heeeere I come, to save the daaaay! Tell me of your problem, best of friends!"
Rarity: "The horror! The horror! Doom and despoliation! Hope is dead, the Devil laughs! Of all the worst things that could happen, this is the WORST! POSSIBLE! THING!"
Twilight: "YES! YES! HARDER!"
Rarity: "I have - oh supreme nightmare - lost my diamond-encrusted purple ribbon!"
Twilight: "Pony what."
Rarity: "Oh, wait, there it is. Crisis averted, I can now complete this order on schedule."
Twilight: "You tease! I mean...Um, anything else you need my help wi-...Sigh. I'll let myself out."
Rarity: "Huh. Should I be concerned about this?"
Rarity: "Nah."
Twilight: "OK, so Rarity didn't work out. I still have several more friends who can-"
Rainbow Dash: "ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE!"
Rainbow Dash: *begins smashing the Sweet Apple Acre barnyard like a flying Hulk*
Twilight: "WTF?!"
Twilight: "Oh my Celestia! Rainbow Dash is going berserk! She's causing property damage! She's angrily wrecking Aplejack's stuff!"
Twilight: "SHE'S PERFECT!"
Twilight: "HALT, my friend! I understand your fury toward Applejack, but violence is not the answer!"
Rainbow Dash: "What?"
Twilight: "Thankfully, as your good friend, I'm here to help!"
Rainbow Dash: "Why am I lying on this bench? Why do you have a German accent?"
Twilight: "Tell me everything, Rainbow Dash, as I consume your suffering! So, why so angry at Applejack?"
Rainbow Dash: "Who's angry? I'm just lending a helping hoof!"
Applejack: "Remember that we needed a new barnyard? The ol' GGG was a bust, but beating up the Ebon Dragon turned out to be good publicity for the farm, so we finally scrounged enough money to build it."
Rainbow Dash: "But since she needed to tear down the old one first...Well, for some things in life, you need money. For everything else, there's nuking shit from orbit."
Applejack: "So, you might want to take cover while she plays Orbital Friendship Cannon."
Rainbow Dash: *SONIC RAINBOMB!*
Twilight: "...Scary."
Twilight: "...And irrelevant to my conundrum."
Twilight: "OK, in retrospect, I should have thought of this first: Fluttershy has plenty of issues! I'm sure helping her deal with her fears would yield some-"
Fluttershy: "YIELD, URSINE SCUM!"
Barry the Bear: *roars!*
Twilight: "What?"
Fluttershy: *Back-Breaking Pegasus Kick!*
Barry the Bear: *Takes massive damage!*
Twilight: "What?"
Fluttershy: *Flexibility-Straining Leg Pull Technique!*
Barry the Bear: *cries uncle!*
Twilight: "What?"
Fluttershy: *Merciless Aerial Stomping Method!*
Barry the Bear: *The horror! The horror!*
Twilight: "What?"
Fluttershy: *Neck-Snapping of Psychotic Violence Kata!*
Barry the Bear: *I can haz ded now?*
Twilight: "...I am going to step away now and erase this scene from my mind in a last-ditch attempt to hold on to a few SAN points."
Fluttershy: "There, there, Barry. Aren't you glad you came now? I've fully mastered the Path Of The Chiropractor Style, you know."
Barry the Bear: *Enjoys the massage.*
Twilight: "Doom fear failure time crisis terror Ebon Dragon order chaos tardy late magic kindegarten Celestia cupcakes friendship letters trouble help me doom fear failure-"
Spike: "SNAP OUT OF IT!"
Twilight: "Bwah?"
Spike: "Twilight, this isn't funny! You're going crazier than Pinkamena Diane Pie here! You need to return to reality! You need to calm down! You need to take these cupcakes and go to the picnic you scheduled with your friends! Remember? Scheduled picnic? You like schedules, right?"
Twilight: "MINE!" *takes cupcakes*
Spike: "AIIIE! No rape-face! No rape-face!"
Twilight: "Must go! Must find friends! Twilight's friends smash puny problem!"
Spike: "...Well, that could have gone better."
At the picnic:
Rarity: "Forgotten the plates? I've forgotten the plates?! Of all the worst things that could happen, this is the WORST! POSSIBLE! THING!"
Elemental Harmony Squad: "..."
Rarity: "A lady is allowed to indulge in some stylish drama, is she not?"
Rainbow Dash: "Looks like the drama..."
Rainbow Dash: *puts on shades*
Rainbow Dash: "...just got mellow."
Yeaaaaaaaah!
Twilight: "Heeeeere's Sparkly!"
Rainbow Dash: "GAH! What's with the rape-face?"
Twilight: "Girls, I need your help!"
Elemental Harmony Squad: "Yes?"
Twilight: "I'm dealing with a crisis of cosmic proportions, and I'm at the very end of my rope!"
Elemental Harmony Squad: "What's the problem?"
Twilight: "Friends, you are my only hope! Without you, I'm more doomed than a G3 pony in Tambelon!"
Elemental Harmony Squad: "What can we help with?"
Twilight: "I'M GONNA BE LATE WITH MY FRIENDSHIP REPORTS!"
Elemental Harmony Squad: "Oh whew. Thank goodness it's nothing important."
Twilight: "Not important? NOT IMPORTANT?! This is a matter of life and death! National security! The Sword of Creation! Blue Meanies!"
Applejack: "Twilight, stop making such a big deal out of this. It's just a late report, not the end of Equestria and pony civilization."
Twilight: "I am not making a big deal out of this! Big deal is making a big deal out of this! Er, I mean..."
Pinkie Pie: "Bwahahahaha! Twilight, when did you become so funny?"
Twilight: "...I'm outta here. I don't have time for this."
Fluttershy: "Wow. I've never seen Twilight so upset before. And I've seen her burst into flames from sheer anger once."
Rarity: "What a drama queen."
Applejack: "Pot, you need to stop talking smack about kettle."
Twilight: "All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student!"
Twilight: "Ahem. What I mean is - if you're not part of the solution, then you're part of the problem, and the problem is that no one else has a problem for which I can provide the solution, ergo the solution to my problem is to create a problem and then provide the solution, offering the solution of the problem as the solution to MY problem. Simple! Obvious! Not even remotely born of panic, neurosis, and trauma!"
Twilight: "Why hellooooooooo, Cutie Mark Crusaders!"
Scootaloo: "Augh! Dammit Twilight, warn us before you make that face!"
Twilight: "Bwaha- I mean, ahem. You would say you three are good friends, right?"
Applebloom: "I reckon'."
Twilight: "And you get along swimmingly, is that not correct?"
Sweetie Belle: "You might say that."
Twilight: "And you're not responsible for unleashing any eldritch abominations upon the face of Equestria in the last 24 hours, are you?"
Applebloom: "...Should I be worried about the direction where this is going?"
Twilight: "So here's Smarty-Pants!" *produces old doll from her foalhood*
Smarty-Pants: *has not aged gracefully.*
Smarty-Pants: *at all.*
Scootaloo: "Well, um, gee, thanks...I guess?"
Applebloom: "Yyyyeah. Scootaloo should probably be the one to keep it."
Scootaloo: "No, I think you should be the one to keep it!"
Applebloom: "Chicken."
Twilight: "Hm. This needs something more..."
Twilight: "Well, I've said it before and I'll say it again: If there's one thing they taught me in Desperate Spells 101, it's that when all seems lost, mind-control is the answer!"
Twilight: *casts Infinite Charisma Bonus on Smarty-Pants!*
Smarty-Pants, who cannot talk: "I AM YOUR NEW GOD."
Applebloom: "Smarty-Pants is my god."
Scootaloo: "Smarty-Pants is my god."
Sweetie Belle: "Smarty-Pants is my god."
Applebloom: "God is mine!"
Scootaloo: "Let go of my god!"
Sweetie Belle: "Gimme my divinity!"
Smarty-Pants: "LIKE A BOSS."
Twilight: "MWAHAHAHAHAHA! Problem created, thus providing the solution to my problem by letting me resolve this problem by finding a solution!"
Twilight: "Now that three innocent children have been brainwashed to the point where they completely ignore their friendship and everything else, I just need to-"
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "Oh, right. I need to actually solve the problem."
Twilight: "And they're too brainwashed to listen to me."
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-"
Big Macintosh: "..."
Twilight: "Big Mac! Thank goodness! I need you to remove that doll from those girls before they hurt themselves!"
Big Mac: "Eyup."
Big Mac: *takes Smarty-Pants from the CMC*
Twilight: "Thank you! Now hand it over so I can handle magical decontamina-"
Big Mac: "Nope." *runs away with CMC in pursuit*
Twilight: "Oh COME ON!"
Ponyville's population: "Hey, look at that god!"
*MASSIVE BRAWL!*
Smarty-Pants: "I AM AN AXE COMMERCIAL BROUGHT TO LIFE."
Twilight: "This is...sub-optimal! VERY sub-optimal!"
At the site of the picnic:
Applejack: "Why did the whole town start a massive brawl, and why weren't we invited?"
Rainbow Dash: "Yeah! Hey, are they fighting over that do-"
Twilight: "DON'T LOOK AT IT! For Celestia's sake don't look at it! It's my foalhood doll that I enchanted, and now it's driving the whole town mad with desire like a super-duper golden apple!"
Fluttershy: "Why would you do that?"
Twilight: "I LOSE MY HIGHER BRAIN FUNCTIONS WHEN I PANIC! The day's almost over, I didn't have any idea of what to write for her momjesty, and for a moment there, creating a problem to deal with looked like a good idea!"
Applejack: "Um, Twilight hun? Scratch the 'almost'."
The Sun: *sets, mercilessly*
Twilight: "...My life is over. And so's Ponyville."
SUDDENLY CELESTIA: "BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME BY ME AS CELESTIA INVICTUS, I DECLARE AN END TO THIS WTFERY!" *CASTS COUNTERSPELL*
Smarty-Pants: "MY REIGN...It would have been...glorious and mute..."
Ponyville's population: "Let us never speak of this again." *disperse*
Big Mac: "..."
Big Mac: *picks up Smarty-Pants*
Big Mac: "Brony for life. Eyup."
God-Queen Celestia: "Twilight Sparkle, we need to have a loooong talk. Meet me at the library."
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "Goodbye, girls. If you care to visit, I'll be in Canterlot's magic kindergarten." *follows Celestia*
Fluttershy: "Pony what?"
Rainbow Dash: "Not good."
Applejack: "Sub-optimal."
Pinkie Pie: "We'll never see her again!"
Rarity: "Of all the worst things that could happen, this is the WORST! POSSIBLE! THING!"
Rarity: "..."
Rarity: "I wasn't being dramatic."
Applejack: "Stop overusing the same formula again and again. That's the Where-I-Watchers' job."
Twilight: "...But I'm supposed to report to you weekly! It's my job! And I failed! I'm...a bad student!"
God-Queen Celestia: "Twilight, you're a wonderful student. Even without counting your work saving the world twice and returning my sister to me. I don't need a weekly report to know that."
Twilight: "Really? But...Don't you need my research to keep us protected from the Elder Evils? Also, I almost destroyed the town."
God-Queen Celestia: "Twilight, don't try predicting my schemes this early in your life. You'll give yourself a headache."
God-Queen Celestia: "You do have a point about almost destroying the town and making unlawful use of mind-control, though. But so long as you've learned not to do it ever-"
Elemental Harmony Squad: *Burst in, dramatically!*
Rainbow Dash: "WAAAAIT! Don't banish Twilight to the Moon!"
Fluttershy: "Pst. Kindergarten, Dash."
Rainbow Dash: "...Don't banish Twilight to kindergarten!"
Pinkie Pie: "Show mercy! The way you always do!"
Applejack: "It wasn't her fault, except for the parts that were!"
God-Queen Celestia: "I'm listening."
Fluttershy: "We all saw that Twilight was so upset, she was liable to turn into Rapidash!"
Rainbow Dash: "But because she was upset about something so stupid, we just laughed!"
Applejack: "And when she left in a huff to work on her plan to brainwash innocent ponies, we didn't do nuthin'!"
Rarity: "As her friends, our duty was to offer moral support! Just because it wasn't important, didn't mean it wasn't important to HER!"
Fluttershy: "And, um, we kinda like having her here. With us. Please?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Let it not be said that no lesson was learned today."
God-Queen Celestia: "Very well, I relent. Since you are so insistent, I shall forget the punishment I was totally planning for Twilight Sparkle, on ONE condition."
Elemental Harmony Squad: "Anything!"
God-Queen Celestia: "From this day forth, all of you will report to me what you have learned about the magic of friendship. When there's something to report."
Elemental harmony Squad: "Yay! Praise to you, your worship!"
God-Queen Celestia: "Jesus Christ, Megan, you're some kind of political genius. When did that happen - after the 2nd century, or the 3rd?"
Twilight: "Wait! Your momjesty...How did you even know I was in trouble?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Oh, that would be your other good friend, Spike. He dracofaxed me about how your fears were getting the best of you. Be sure to thank him."
God-Queen Celestia: *teleports away through the goddamn Moon*
Applejack: "OK, is the sound on on this thing?"
Spike: "Just dictate and I'll write it down."
Applejack: "Right. So...Dear God-Queen Celestia, I reckon' that we all did learn a lesson this fine day..."
Fluttershy: "We learned to take your friends' feelings and worries seriously."
Rainbow Dash: "Because no matter how dumb they are, feelings are still real."
Rarity: "That said, we should also keep in minds that our worries often are rather foolish..."
Pinkie Pie: "...until we blow them all out of proportion and make a giant mess! So we should try not to do that. Just saying."
Appjack: "Signed, the Elemental Harmony Squad."
Spike: "Post-effing Scriptum: Unlike everypony else, Spike did take it seriously and didn't wait for disaster to strike before getting shit done. Because Spike is awesome like that."
Twilight: "Spike..."
Spike: "Post-Post-effing Scriptum: Why am I getting this odd feeling of déjà vu when acting as the sole voice of reason among people who have it even less together than me? Does that have anything to do with the nightmares?"
Twilight: *sigh* "Just write the letter, Spike."
So everything's fine and dandy, right?
No-one is suffering from any form of PTSD, right?
Right?
Lesson Zero
Twilight: "All right, Spike, do write down everything. We need to check off every item of today's to-do list."
Spike: "Yeah, yeah. Always organized. I've spent enough years with The Pony Of Plans to know the drill by now."
Twilight: "And then, we'll need this other list to double-check everything!"
Spike: "Very thorough."
Twilight: "And then, this other list to triple-check things, and be absolutely sure nothing was missed!"
Spike: "...That's new. Are you sure you aren't overdoing it?"
Twilight: "Order is required! I mean, um, pretty sure."
Spike: "It's just that, you kinda seem to be on an even bigger OCD kick than usual, and..."
Twilight: "Spike, check 'reassure my assistant all is fine' off the list."
Spike: "...It's an actual item. Scary."
Twilight: "Item #22: Get cupcakes from the Sugar Cube Corner!"
Mrs. Cake: "Here's your order, sweetie! Always a pleasure to-"
Twilight: "Um, I cannot help but detect a variance in frosting among the cupcakes exceeding the minimum required for visual detection."
Mrs. Cake: "What?"
Twilight: "And, given that I'm planning to share these with my friends over a picnic, I don't want anypony to think they got more frosting than somepony else..."
Mrs. Cake: "Really, I don't think your friends would-"
Twilight: "Mathematical precision is required! I mean, um, it's OK, I'll fix this."
Twilight: *fixes this*
Twilight: *sort of*
Twilight: *I mean, the cupcakes have equal amounts of frosting now.*
Twilight: *Just slightly over zero.*
Twilight: "There! Order restored and enforced! So much better!"
Mrs. Cake: "...I have not seen such OCD since that time I asked for Rarity's help with that 'special' order of a bridal dress with pockets of whipped cream. Are you sure you're OK, dear?"
Spike: "She's been like this since she got back from the celebration in Canterlot. Like, herself on quirky steroids."
Twilight: "Well! Looks like we've got everything on the checklist done!"
Spike: "And thank Celestia for that! I think I got carpal tunnel from checking off so many items! At least we don't have to write down a letter to Celestia."
Twilight: "What."
Spike: "Letter to Celestia? You know, the ones where you describe the lessons you've learned about the magic of friendship?"
Twilight: "WHAT."
Spike: "Ah, Twilight, is something wrong-"
Twilight: "HELL YES SOMETHING'S WRONG! I send Celestia one of these letters each week every week without fail! Come ursas or high dragons or buffalo wars or reality-warping Yozis, I. Send. A letter."
Spike: "Yyyyeah, because you have something to write about. You just have to wait until-"
Twilight: "Wait? WAIT?! Spike, if I don't send a report by the end of the day, I'll be tardy!"
Spike: "Look, I know you care about your schedules and stuff, but this really isn't such a big deal-"
Twilight: "YES IT IS! Spike, this isn't just a post-graduate research thesis, its arms race R&D! Those letters played a pivotal role in saving Equestria from the Ebon Dragon last week! The letters must flow, or the Elder Evils have won! The letters must flow!"
Spike: "Given Celestia's history of utter reasonableness..."
Twilight: "Not taking chances! She could think I'm not taking my studies and national security seriously! And bring me back to Canterlot! And send me to magic kindegarten!"
Spike: "I'm surrounded by idiots."
Spike: "...Whoa. Déjà vu. What was that about?"
Twilight: "OK OK OK. I'm the Pony of Plans. I'm going to solve this."
Spike: "By calming down, taking a chill pill, and relaxing? Hopefully? Please? Pretty please with tasty gems on top?"
Twilight: "By finding a problem my friends have and solving it!"
Spike: "Darn."
Twilight: "So! Spike, tell me everything about your problems! Feed me your pain!"
Spike: "Well...I'm not entirely sure how to help a friend cope with post-traumatic stress disorder."
Twilight: "Sigh. All right, I'll see if the others need my help." *exeunt, pursued by madness*
Spike: "Well, this looks like a job FOOOOOR..."
Spike: "...someone else."
Somewhere!
A distressed call!
Rarity: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Twilight: "Do you hear that, Sparkle? That is the sound of ultimate suffering. My heart made that sound when the Ebon Dragon killed our friendship. The Pony in White makes it now."
Twilight: "In other words, BINGO!"
*Twilight Sparkle bursts in, dramatically!*
Twilight: "Heeeere I come, to save the daaaay! Tell me of your problem, best of friends!"
Rarity: "The horror! The horror! Doom and despoliation! Hope is dead, the Devil laughs! Of all the worst things that could happen, this is the WORST! POSSIBLE! THING!"
Twilight: "YES! YES! HARDER!"
Rarity: "I have - oh supreme nightmare - lost my diamond-encrusted purple ribbon!"
Twilight: "Pony what."
Rarity: "Oh, wait, there it is. Crisis averted, I can now complete this order on schedule."
Twilight: "You tease! I mean...Um, anything else you need my help wi-...Sigh. I'll let myself out."
Rarity: "Huh. Should I be concerned about this?"
Rarity: "Nah."
Twilight: "OK, so Rarity didn't work out. I still have several more friends who can-"
Rainbow Dash: "ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE!"
Rainbow Dash: *begins smashing the Sweet Apple Acre barnyard like a flying Hulk*
Twilight: "WTF?!"
Twilight: "Oh my Celestia! Rainbow Dash is going berserk! She's causing property damage! She's angrily wrecking Aplejack's stuff!"
Twilight: "SHE'S PERFECT!"
Twilight: "HALT, my friend! I understand your fury toward Applejack, but violence is not the answer!"
Rainbow Dash: "What?"
Twilight: "Thankfully, as your good friend, I'm here to help!"
Rainbow Dash: "Why am I lying on this bench? Why do you have a German accent?"
Twilight: "Tell me everything, Rainbow Dash, as I consume your suffering! So, why so angry at Applejack?"
Rainbow Dash: "Who's angry? I'm just lending a helping hoof!"
Applejack: "Remember that we needed a new barnyard? The ol' GGG was a bust, but beating up the Ebon Dragon turned out to be good publicity for the farm, so we finally scrounged enough money to build it."
Rainbow Dash: "But since she needed to tear down the old one first...Well, for some things in life, you need money. For everything else, there's nuking shit from orbit."
Applejack: "So, you might want to take cover while she plays Orbital Friendship Cannon."
Rainbow Dash: *SONIC RAINBOMB!*
Twilight: "...Scary."
Twilight: "...And irrelevant to my conundrum."
Twilight: "OK, in retrospect, I should have thought of this first: Fluttershy has plenty of issues! I'm sure helping her deal with her fears would yield some-"
Fluttershy: "YIELD, URSINE SCUM!"
Barry the Bear: *roars!*
Twilight: "What?"
Fluttershy: *Back-Breaking Pegasus Kick!*
Barry the Bear: *Takes massive damage!*
Twilight: "What?"
Fluttershy: *Flexibility-Straining Leg Pull Technique!*
Barry the Bear: *cries uncle!*
Twilight: "What?"
Fluttershy: *Merciless Aerial Stomping Method!*
Barry the Bear: *The horror! The horror!*
Twilight: "What?"
Fluttershy: *Neck-Snapping of Psychotic Violence Kata!*
Barry the Bear: *I can haz ded now?*
Twilight: "...I am going to step away now and erase this scene from my mind in a last-ditch attempt to hold on to a few SAN points."
Fluttershy: "There, there, Barry. Aren't you glad you came now? I've fully mastered the Path Of The Chiropractor Style, you know."
Barry the Bear: *Enjoys the massage.*
Twilight: "Doom fear failure time crisis terror Ebon Dragon order chaos tardy late magic kindegarten Celestia cupcakes friendship letters trouble help me doom fear failure-"
Spike: "SNAP OUT OF IT!"
Twilight: "Bwah?"
Spike: "Twilight, this isn't funny! You're going crazier than Pinkamena Diane Pie here! You need to return to reality! You need to calm down! You need to take these cupcakes and go to the picnic you scheduled with your friends! Remember? Scheduled picnic? You like schedules, right?"
Twilight: "MINE!" *takes cupcakes*
Spike: "AIIIE! No rape-face! No rape-face!"
Twilight: "Must go! Must find friends! Twilight's friends smash puny problem!"
Spike: "...Well, that could have gone better."
At the picnic:
Rarity: "Forgotten the plates? I've forgotten the plates?! Of all the worst things that could happen, this is the WORST! POSSIBLE! THING!"
Elemental Harmony Squad: "..."
Rarity: "A lady is allowed to indulge in some stylish drama, is she not?"
Rainbow Dash: "Looks like the drama..."
Rainbow Dash: *puts on shades*
Rainbow Dash: "...just got mellow."
Yeaaaaaaaah!
Twilight: "Heeeeere's Sparkly!"
Rainbow Dash: "GAH! What's with the rape-face?"
Twilight: "Girls, I need your help!"
Elemental Harmony Squad: "Yes?"
Twilight: "I'm dealing with a crisis of cosmic proportions, and I'm at the very end of my rope!"
Elemental Harmony Squad: "What's the problem?"
Twilight: "Friends, you are my only hope! Without you, I'm more doomed than a G3 pony in Tambelon!"
Elemental Harmony Squad: "What can we help with?"
Twilight: "I'M GONNA BE LATE WITH MY FRIENDSHIP REPORTS!"
Elemental Harmony Squad: "Oh whew. Thank goodness it's nothing important."
Twilight: "Not important? NOT IMPORTANT?! This is a matter of life and death! National security! The Sword of Creation! Blue Meanies!"
Applejack: "Twilight, stop making such a big deal out of this. It's just a late report, not the end of Equestria and pony civilization."
Twilight: "I am not making a big deal out of this! Big deal is making a big deal out of this! Er, I mean..."
Pinkie Pie: "Bwahahahaha! Twilight, when did you become so funny?"
Twilight: "...I'm outta here. I don't have time for this."
Fluttershy: "Wow. I've never seen Twilight so upset before. And I've seen her burst into flames from sheer anger once."
Rarity: "What a drama queen."
Applejack: "Pot, you need to stop talking smack about kettle."
Twilight: "All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student! All work and no play makes Twilight a dull student!"
Twilight: "Ahem. What I mean is - if you're not part of the solution, then you're part of the problem, and the problem is that no one else has a problem for which I can provide the solution, ergo the solution to my problem is to create a problem and then provide the solution, offering the solution of the problem as the solution to MY problem. Simple! Obvious! Not even remotely born of panic, neurosis, and trauma!"
Twilight: "Why hellooooooooo, Cutie Mark Crusaders!"
Scootaloo: "Augh! Dammit Twilight, warn us before you make that face!"
Twilight: "Bwaha- I mean, ahem. You would say you three are good friends, right?"
Applebloom: "I reckon'."
Twilight: "And you get along swimmingly, is that not correct?"
Sweetie Belle: "You might say that."
Twilight: "And you're not responsible for unleashing any eldritch abominations upon the face of Equestria in the last 24 hours, are you?"
Applebloom: "...Should I be worried about the direction where this is going?"
Twilight: "So here's Smarty-Pants!" *produces old doll from her foalhood*
Smarty-Pants: *has not aged gracefully.*
Smarty-Pants: *at all.*
Scootaloo: "Well, um, gee, thanks...I guess?"
Applebloom: "Yyyyeah. Scootaloo should probably be the one to keep it."
Scootaloo: "No, I think you should be the one to keep it!"
Applebloom: "Chicken."
Twilight: "Hm. This needs something more..."
Twilight: "Well, I've said it before and I'll say it again: If there's one thing they taught me in Desperate Spells 101, it's that when all seems lost, mind-control is the answer!"
Twilight: *casts Infinite Charisma Bonus on Smarty-Pants!*
Smarty-Pants, who cannot talk: "I AM YOUR NEW GOD."
Applebloom: "Smarty-Pants is my god."
Scootaloo: "Smarty-Pants is my god."
Sweetie Belle: "Smarty-Pants is my god."
Applebloom: "God is mine!"
Scootaloo: "Let go of my god!"
Sweetie Belle: "Gimme my divinity!"
Smarty-Pants: "LIKE A BOSS."
Twilight: "MWAHAHAHAHAHA! Problem created, thus providing the solution to my problem by letting me resolve this problem by finding a solution!"
Twilight: "Now that three innocent children have been brainwashed to the point where they completely ignore their friendship and everything else, I just need to-"
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "Oh, right. I need to actually solve the problem."
Twilight: "And they're too brainwashed to listen to me."
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-"
Big Macintosh: "..."
Twilight: "Big Mac! Thank goodness! I need you to remove that doll from those girls before they hurt themselves!"
Big Mac: "Eyup."
Big Mac: *takes Smarty-Pants from the CMC*
Twilight: "Thank you! Now hand it over so I can handle magical decontamina-"
Big Mac: "Nope." *runs away with CMC in pursuit*
Twilight: "Oh COME ON!"
Ponyville's population: "Hey, look at that god!"
*MASSIVE BRAWL!*
Smarty-Pants: "I AM AN AXE COMMERCIAL BROUGHT TO LIFE."
Twilight: "This is...sub-optimal! VERY sub-optimal!"
At the site of the picnic:
Applejack: "Why did the whole town start a massive brawl, and why weren't we invited?"
Rainbow Dash: "Yeah! Hey, are they fighting over that do-"
Twilight: "DON'T LOOK AT IT! For Celestia's sake don't look at it! It's my foalhood doll that I enchanted, and now it's driving the whole town mad with desire like a super-duper golden apple!"
Fluttershy: "Why would you do that?"
Twilight: "I LOSE MY HIGHER BRAIN FUNCTIONS WHEN I PANIC! The day's almost over, I didn't have any idea of what to write for her momjesty, and for a moment there, creating a problem to deal with looked like a good idea!"
Applejack: "Um, Twilight hun? Scratch the 'almost'."
The Sun: *sets, mercilessly*
Twilight: "...My life is over. And so's Ponyville."
SUDDENLY CELESTIA: "BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME BY ME AS CELESTIA INVICTUS, I DECLARE AN END TO THIS WTFERY!" *CASTS COUNTERSPELL*
Smarty-Pants: "MY REIGN...It would have been...glorious and mute..."
Ponyville's population: "Let us never speak of this again." *disperse*
Big Mac: "..."
Big Mac: *picks up Smarty-Pants*
Big Mac: "Brony for life. Eyup."
God-Queen Celestia: "Twilight Sparkle, we need to have a loooong talk. Meet me at the library."
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "Goodbye, girls. If you care to visit, I'll be in Canterlot's magic kindergarten." *follows Celestia*
Fluttershy: "Pony what?"
Rainbow Dash: "Not good."
Applejack: "Sub-optimal."
Pinkie Pie: "We'll never see her again!"
Rarity: "Of all the worst things that could happen, this is the WORST! POSSIBLE! THING!"
Rarity: "..."
Rarity: "I wasn't being dramatic."
Applejack: "Stop overusing the same formula again and again. That's the Where-I-Watchers' job."
Twilight: "...But I'm supposed to report to you weekly! It's my job! And I failed! I'm...a bad student!"
God-Queen Celestia: "Twilight, you're a wonderful student. Even without counting your work saving the world twice and returning my sister to me. I don't need a weekly report to know that."
Twilight: "Really? But...Don't you need my research to keep us protected from the Elder Evils? Also, I almost destroyed the town."
God-Queen Celestia: "Twilight, don't try predicting my schemes this early in your life. You'll give yourself a headache."
God-Queen Celestia: "You do have a point about almost destroying the town and making unlawful use of mind-control, though. But so long as you've learned not to do it ever-"
Elemental Harmony Squad: *Burst in, dramatically!*
Rainbow Dash: "WAAAAIT! Don't banish Twilight to the Moon!"
Fluttershy: "Pst. Kindergarten, Dash."
Rainbow Dash: "...Don't banish Twilight to kindergarten!"
Pinkie Pie: "Show mercy! The way you always do!"
Applejack: "It wasn't her fault, except for the parts that were!"
God-Queen Celestia: "I'm listening."
Fluttershy: "We all saw that Twilight was so upset, she was liable to turn into Rapidash!"
Rainbow Dash: "But because she was upset about something so stupid, we just laughed!"
Applejack: "And when she left in a huff to work on her plan to brainwash innocent ponies, we didn't do nuthin'!"
Rarity: "As her friends, our duty was to offer moral support! Just because it wasn't important, didn't mean it wasn't important to HER!"
Fluttershy: "And, um, we kinda like having her here. With us. Please?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Let it not be said that no lesson was learned today."
God-Queen Celestia: "Very well, I relent. Since you are so insistent, I shall forget the punishment I was totally planning for Twilight Sparkle, on ONE condition."
Elemental Harmony Squad: "Anything!"
God-Queen Celestia: "From this day forth, all of you will report to me what you have learned about the magic of friendship. When there's something to report."
Elemental harmony Squad: "Yay! Praise to you, your worship!"
God-Queen Celestia: "Jesus Christ, Megan, you're some kind of political genius. When did that happen - after the 2nd century, or the 3rd?"
Twilight: "Wait! Your momjesty...How did you even know I was in trouble?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Oh, that would be your other good friend, Spike. He dracofaxed me about how your fears were getting the best of you. Be sure to thank him."
God-Queen Celestia: *teleports away through the goddamn Moon*
Applejack: "OK, is the sound on on this thing?"
Spike: "Just dictate and I'll write it down."
Applejack: "Right. So...Dear God-Queen Celestia, I reckon' that we all did learn a lesson this fine day..."
Fluttershy: "We learned to take your friends' feelings and worries seriously."
Rainbow Dash: "Because no matter how dumb they are, feelings are still real."
Rarity: "That said, we should also keep in minds that our worries often are rather foolish..."
Pinkie Pie: "...until we blow them all out of proportion and make a giant mess! So we should try not to do that. Just saying."
Appjack: "Signed, the Elemental Harmony Squad."
Spike: "Post-effing Scriptum: Unlike everypony else, Spike did take it seriously and didn't wait for disaster to strike before getting shit done. Because Spike is awesome like that."
Twilight: "Spike..."
Spike: "Post-Post-effing Scriptum: Why am I getting this odd feeling of déjà vu when acting as the sole voice of reason among people who have it even less together than me? Does that have anything to do with the nightmares?"
Twilight: *sigh* "Just write the letter, Spike."
Nah, Spike. You're just channeling your grandfather. 
Brilliant, Sun Tzu. And yes, Macintosh here was channeling us bronies.
Brilliant, Sun Tzu. And yes, Macintosh here was channeling us bronies.
R
Loved this bit to DEATH.
You see her attitude changing instantly to take advantage of the new situation, she goes from Mom to Princess in less than a second, listens to the Mane Cast as if she was actually about to chew out Twilight, then modifies the original deal in a way that will not only prevent a repeat of the day's event's but will also strenghten the bonds of her magical SWAT team.
This and we got the first actual show of magical power from Equestria's ruler. That ep was straight-up Celestia porn.
Thanks for another great entry Sun-tzu.