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There is nothing subtle about author and Design Mom blogger Gabrielle Blair’s new book. Both its eye-opening title, Ejaculate Responsibly: A Whole New Way to Think About Abortion, and its thesis, which appears in all caps on page 1, demand “a crucial refocus” of the issue of abortion and pregnancy prevention: “IT’S THE MEN.”
In a dire post–Roe v. Wade clime, Blair mounts a radical argument that really shouldn’t be: that abortion is, indeed, a men’s issue. “Currently, conversations about abortion are entirely centered on women—on women’s bodies and whether women have a right to terminate an unwanted pregnancy,” she writes in the introduction. Meanwhile, “men cause all unwanted pregnancies,” Blair asserts. “An unwanted pregnancy only happens if a man ejaculates irresponsibly—if he deposits his sperm in a vagina when he and his partner are not trying to conceive. It’s not asking a lot for men to avoid this.”
In her taut, 143-page manifesto, Blair lays out 28 potent, plainspoken supporting arguments calling for greater male responsibility. She begins with simple biology—the fact that “men are 50 times more fertile than women”—making it nonsensical to place “the burden of pregnancy prevention on the person who is fertile for 24 hours a month, instead of the person who is fertile 24 hours a day, every day of their life.”
The author, a pro-choice Mormon mother of six, goes on to contrast the difficulty in accessing and using female contraception (from the pill to the patch, IUDs, and others) with the fact that male birth control—chiefly condoms and vasectomies—is “easier, cheaper, more convenient, safer, and more effective than birth control options for women.” Yet as argument number nine posits, socially and culturally “we expect women to do the work of pregnancy prevention.” (Blair issues the disclaimer that she does not use inclusive language in the book, calling it “a cisgender heterosexual argument for people engaging in cisgender sexual relationships.”)
Memes, tweets, and signs decried this point in post-Roe protests: “Don’t like abortion? Get a vasectomy!” But while those felt, at times, like little more than clever retorts, Blair offers a tactical, full-throated cry for men to step up and make condoms ubiquitous and vasectomies (her husband had one) more common. Currently, she writes, only 9% of men get vasectomies, despite the fact that they are less invasive than tubal ligation (or getting one’s tubes tied). Which brings Blair to argument number 10: “We don’t mind if women suffer as long as it makes things easier for men.”
Ejaculate Responsibly alternately provokes dawning recognition (many points feel like they’ve been hiding in plain sight) and simmering rage. It isn’t women’s sexual freedom that should be considered incendiary, I considered after reading number 24, but men’s sperm. “Sperm should be considered a dangerous bodily fluid that can cause pain, a lifetime of disruption, and even death for some,” Blair writes. “Sperm can create a person. Sperm can kill a person.” By way of solutions, she points to a discourse shift, promoting condoms the way seat belts once were; “thorough sex ed”; free, accessible birth control; and calling on politicians to focus on men too, asking them, “What is your plan for preventing irresponsible ejaculations?”
Blair recently spoke with Vogue via Zoom about the genesis of her book, the joy of vasectomies, and how men can take action.
Vogue: You say up-front in the introduction that you’re “a religious mother of six.” Did you include that description because it goes against the perception of who might write this book?
Gabrielle Blair: One hundred percent. I did that very intentionally. I know that if people see religious or Mormon or mother of six, they’re going to immediately make assumptions about me, and those assumptions are probably not going to be correct as far as my politics, or my views on abortion, go. But I know that I can use that as a tool, and I can invite people in to listen to these ideas that wouldn’t be willing to do so if I led with “I’m pro-choice.”
When I first saw the title, Ejaculate Responsibly, it reminded me of when Roe was overturned, and there were tweets and memes and protest signs urging men to get vasectomies. Sometimes that felt, to me, almost like a cute retort, but this book is a very full-throated argument for it.
I mean, I think it’s both. It’s really pointing out this double standard, this ridiculousness that we are so swift to regulate women’s bodies. We don’t hesitate. We’re so, so open and willing to do that and absolutely unwilling to even consider a very safe procedure for men. We would never make that a law. There’s no world I can conceive of where that could happen. So it’s being cheeky and showing a double standard.
Vasectomies are amazing. They’re so much safer than tubal ligations, and yet tubal ligations are so much more common than vasectomies because we have all these weird myths and stigmas around vasectomy—and also around condoms, around anything that is perceived as affecting men’s sexuality. It’s dumb and bizarre, and it’s totally changeable. These are just conversations that we need to have.
Is the lack of conversation around men’s reproductive health care part of the problem here?
I don’t hate men. I don’t think they’re evil. I think they’re doing their best, right? I have a lot in my life that I adore. Perhaps no one’s really pointed out to them before, “This is how you can engage responsibly. Hey, your sperm can cause serious problems for another person.” Once it clicks for them, they’re like, Oh, I create a dangerous substance with my own body, and I gotta be really careful with that. Period.
This argument began as a Twitter thread in 2018. What was percolating in your mind back then that made you zero in on men and pregnancy prevention?
I was done having kids. My husband had had a vasectomy years before, so I hadn’t had to worry about birth control for a few years. I read some statistics about how many abortions there were per year, and it was higher than I expected. I talk to women for a living. This is what I’ve done since 2006, in online and public and private forums. The idea that women would just be like, Yes, I wanna go have an invasive procedure instead of birth control—that didn’t make sense. And it was like: light-bulb moment.
Until my husband’s vasectomy, I tried every kind of birth control, and that might be counterintuitive because I do have six kids, but I actually got to choose when I had my kids. That was an amazing, empowering thing. On the other hand, I hated the pill. I hated the shot. IUD? I bled for a year. Birth control’s really hard for a lot of people. Even if you’re not having side effects, it’s so much work. You have to find a doctor that’s on your insurance, if you have insurance. The steps to even get to the doctor, transportation issues, budget issues, childcare. A full-body exam. And then you have to take it every day, and you’re only fertile 12 to 24 hours of that month. It’s absolutely insane.
I started exploring, Okay, well, what about men’s birth control? Why aren’t more men getting vasectomies or at the very least using a condom? That’s not a big ask. I could see really clearly that condoms are the opposite of women’s birth control as far as ease, accessibility, affordability, no side effects, no physical exam. You don’t need to wear one if you’re not gonna have sex that day. All the inconveniences just disappear.
You really highlight this disparity: how much of the burden is on women versus men, despite how much easier it is for men to prevent pregnancy—
…And how much more fertile they are! They’re fertile from puberty till death. Forever. Ovulation is completely unpredictable. Even if you have a very regular cycle, there’s a 10-day window where you can ovulate, and yet we are totally focused on trying to control this 12 to 24 hours.
I dog-eared number nine: “We expect women to do the work of pregnancy prevention.” Why?
I mean, 2000 years of patriarchy? I don’t know. I’ve thought about this a lot. One observation: Until the advent of paternity tests, we could not prove who the father was and there was nothing women could do. This was just on women because women are physically pregnant. They are the ones having to deal with this, right? Paternity tests have changed things. You start thinking about male physiology. Who’s causing these pregnancies? It’s sperm. Every time a man has sex, every time, he could cause a pregnancy.
I was surprised that vasectomies are so uncommon—only 9% of men get them.
It’s insane, and it’s this thing that any couple can testify [to]: It improves your sex life. The burden is just gone.
Do you think women have internalized that it’s our job to handle birth control so much so that we don’t even push back against that expectation?
Oh, one hundred percent. It’s just unquestioned. It’s hard to see because we’re swimming in it. I want every man to read this, but also every woman needs to know how unfair this is and have the realization: “My partner could help me with this, and that’s a legitimate thing to ask for.” We’ve got an $8 billion birth-control industry, 90% of which is purchases by women for women. Honestly, if you are an anti-abortion political candidate, your number one platform, if you were actually serious, should be free vasectomy for all. And of course you’re not doing that.
How did the Roe decision impact the message of the book?
It strengthens it. It just makes it so clear. Our country, our society, we’re so focused on women’s bodies—on abortion, on regulating women, women, women, and totally ignoring this thing that would actually help, would actually work. It’s so clear that the anti-abortion crowd doesn’t actually care. We’ve just seen it with Herschel Walker. They do not actually care if someone has an abortion that’s on their team or is their candidate. They just want to control women. The book makes that irrefutable: If someone wants there to be no abortions, great, we actually know how to reduce abortions. It’s not magic. It’s free and easily available birth control. It’s free vasectomies, it’s really excellent, age-appropriate sex ed at every grade level.
What do men need to do to be in this fight and start to decentralize reproductive health as a women’s issue?
I hope this book helps facilitate that conversation. I think a lot of this is just making them aware. Like, hey, women have been taking birth control, paying for birth control, dealing with the side effects of birth control, and you haven’t had to worry about it, but you were enjoying the benefits of her work. If that birth control goes away or abortion goes away, which it already has in many states, that is going to affect you. So step up. Men can easily stop abortion without touching an abortion law, or even mentioning women, simply by ejaculating responsibly. [Men] are better positioned physically to prevent a pregnancy than any woman. You are the only person that gets to decide whether or not you release sperm. That is 100% on you as a man. We are not asking them to have a miserable sex life. We’re not asking them to do anything difficult in any way. There’s this one tiny thing they need to avoid. Do not let your sperm get by an egg.
This interview has been edited and condensed.