Weapons Of Mass Distraction

Sirens dress to kill. They also serve global peace. Thanks to them, a rapprochement between daggers'-drawn US and Iran seems imminent. Here's why. Decried as imperialist by Venezuela's prez Hugo Chavez, Uncle Sam's got an unwitting reprieve from Iranian cleric Ayatollah Kazem Sedighi. Chavez had accused the US navy of unleashing a "tectonic weapon" to cause Haiti's 7.0 magnitude earthquake.Its real target, the conspiracy theorist reportedly thundered, was Iran, aspiring nuke newbie. But Tehran's acting Friday prayer leader begs to differ. The causes of natural disasters, he suggests, are neither natural nor man-made; they're unnatural and woman-made. The culprit? Comely Calamity Jane.
The earth trembles, the cleric asserts, when promiscuous women flaunt their vital stats and provoke lasciviousness in chaste men. No wonder Tehran residents aren't listening to president Ahmadinejad's exhortations to flee a quake-threatened read: temptress-infested capital. Now we know that, to create terrestrial (and libidinous) havoc, America's quake-bombs are no match for bombshells.
Perhaps inspired by Gandhian moral causalism, the femme fatale has her own view on nature's fury. If Gandhi once said a Bihar quake was a divine rap for the sin of untouchability, Hollywood's Sharon Stone controversially asked if "bad karma" from Beijing's Tibet policy wasn't behind massive devastation in China. Heed Sedighi, and that's a beauteous blonde with tremor-causing basic instincts passing the buck. Actor Danny Glover, on his part, said Caribbean nations court disaster courtesy global warming, not foreseeing an Iranian cleric would back him on the sizzle factor. The itsier-bitsier, teenier-weenier bikinis become, the hotter it gets. Baywatchers will agree.
Want an even better explanation for tsunamis and avalanches? Read the cleric's (female) hurricane alert alongside US televangelist Pat Robertson's diabolical hypotheses. "Cursed" Haiti's misfortunes, the broadcaster insisted sometime ago, were due to its 18th century Faustian "pact with the devil" to oust French rulers! Well, this 'devil' must surely have resembled Bewitched star Liz Hurley(-burly). Aren't her red carpet outings quake-walks? There can't but be geo-rumbles in response to her peekaboo wardrobe malfunctions, see-through saris (look, no blouse!) and gowns hung together with safety pins. And they say the devil wears Prada.
For bewitching womankind, the theory about their seismic jadu on man and nature must come as old witches' brew. Patriarchs stir the sexist cauldron periodically, irked that witch-hunting's no longer your everyday entertainment. Clearly, the boys are miffed, and not merely because girls just wanna have fun. Their manly weapons of mass destruction lack the punch of a far subtler feminine arsenal: one that causes landslides, tidal waves and tornados at the drop of a pallu!
Future armies should recruit these Immodesty Blazes. That way, they'll cut costs with GI Jane's skimpier uniforms. They'll acquire earth-shaking armoury. Above all, much like hide-all swimsuits, war itself will become a relic. The day will dawn when no one will want to go fight. Why? Because everybody will willingly surrender to weapons of mass distraction, deployed in an eye-teasing war to end all wars.