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American Lives
Should I Still Wish: A Memoir
In this candid and moving memoir, John W. Evans articulates the complicated joys of falling in love again as a young widower. Though heartbroken after his wife’s violent death, Evans realizes that he cannot remain inconsolable and adrift, living with his in-laws in Indiana. Motivated by a small red X on a map, Evans musters the courage for a cross-country trip. From the Badlands to Yellowstone to the foothills of the Sierra Mountains, Evans’s hope and determination propel him even as he contemplates his vulnerability and the legacy of a terrible tragedy.
Should I Still Wish chronicles Evans’s efforts to leave an intense year of grief behind, to make peace with the natural world again, and to reconnect with a woman who promises, like San Francisco itself, a life of abundance and charm. With unflinching honesty Evans plumbs the uncertainties, doubts, and contradictions of a paradoxical experience in this love story, celebration of fatherhood, meditation on the afterlife of grief and resilience, and, ultimately, showcase for life’s many profound incongruities.
Should I Still Wish chronicles Evans’s efforts to leave an intense year of grief behind, to make peace with the natural world again, and to reconnect with a woman who promises, like San Francisco itself, a life of abundance and charm. With unflinching honesty Evans plumbs the uncertainties, doubts, and contradictions of a paradoxical experience in this love story, celebration of fatherhood, meditation on the afterlife of grief and resilience, and, ultimately, showcase for life’s many profound incongruities.
- GenresMemoir
156 pages, Paperback
Published January 1, 2017
1 person is currently reading
272 people want to read
About the author
John W. Evans
6 books34 followersJohn W. Evans is the author of The Fight Journal (Rattle, 2023), winner of the 2022 Rattle Chapbook Prize, and also, Should I Still Wish: A Memoir (University of Nebraska Press, 2017), Young Widower: A Memoir (University of Nebraska Press, 2014), and The Consolations: Poems (Trio House Press, 2014).
His books have won prizes including the the Rattle Chapbook Prize, the Peace Corps Writers Book Prize, a ForeWord Reviews Book Prize, the River Teeth Book Prize, the Sawtooth Poetry Prize, and the Trio Award. Should I Still Wish was selected by Poets and Writers magazine as a “new and noteworthy” title of January/February 2017, and is published in the American Lives Series.
His work appears or is forthcoming in The Missouri Review (2016 Editor’s Prize Finalist), Poets & Writers, Slate, Boston Review, ZYZZYVA, The Rumpus, The Flyfish Journal, Pangyrus, and Best American Essays 2011 (Honorable Mention), as well as the chapbooks, No Season (FWQ, 2011) and Zugzwang (RockSaw, 2009).
John is currently the Phyllis Draper Lecturer in Nonfiction at Stanford University, where he was previously a Jones Lecturer and a Wallace Stegner Fellow. At Stanford, John has been recognized as a “favorite professor” by the women’s basketball, water polo, and volleyball teams, as well as the Knight Fellows and the DCI Fellows. He lives in Northern California with his three young sons.
His books have won prizes including the the Rattle Chapbook Prize, the Peace Corps Writers Book Prize, a ForeWord Reviews Book Prize, the River Teeth Book Prize, the Sawtooth Poetry Prize, and the Trio Award. Should I Still Wish was selected by Poets and Writers magazine as a “new and noteworthy” title of January/February 2017, and is published in the American Lives Series.
His work appears or is forthcoming in The Missouri Review (2016 Editor’s Prize Finalist), Poets & Writers, Slate, Boston Review, ZYZZYVA, The Rumpus, The Flyfish Journal, Pangyrus, and Best American Essays 2011 (Honorable Mention), as well as the chapbooks, No Season (FWQ, 2011) and Zugzwang (RockSaw, 2009).
John is currently the Phyllis Draper Lecturer in Nonfiction at Stanford University, where he was previously a Jones Lecturer and a Wallace Stegner Fellow. At Stanford, John has been recognized as a “favorite professor” by the women’s basketball, water polo, and volleyball teams, as well as the Knight Fellows and the DCI Fellows. He lives in Northern California with his three young sons.
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Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews
February 7, 2017
I'm slightly biased because I knew John in college, but this book is a fascinating retreat into grief and happiness and the complexities of both.
November 23, 2016
Charming, hopeful even when filled with self-doubt. An example of moving forward and through, maybe imperfectly, but always with love and humanity.
On a personal note, having agoraphobia and panic disorder myself, Evans' descriptions of what I assume are PTSD panic attacks resonated deeply, made me want to reach out and offer a shoulder or an ear. His sharing of the continued difficulties makes his unrelenting striving for family and love all the more precious and inspiring.
On a personal note, having agoraphobia and panic disorder myself, Evans' descriptions of what I assume are PTSD panic attacks resonated deeply, made me want to reach out and offer a shoulder or an ear. His sharing of the continued difficulties makes his unrelenting striving for family and love all the more precious and inspiring.
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February 18, 2017A beautifully written meditation on life and love after enduring a traumatic life event.
December 5, 2016
By page three, I had already fallen in love with John Evans, with his new love Cait, and with his conflicted, confused, yet enduring drive toward life.
Should I Still Wish is an expedition into the terrifying joy of fatherhood, of love, and of choosing to live in spite of the fear.
By refusing to simplify his emotions, Mr. Evans allows his readers to see the beauty in our own inner chaos.
Should I Still Wish is an expedition into the terrifying joy of fatherhood, of love, and of choosing to live in spite of the fear.
By refusing to simplify his emotions, Mr. Evans allows his readers to see the beauty in our own inner chaos.
October 18, 2016
Should I Still Wish is the second book that I have read by John Evans. In this most recent book, Evans grapples with more difficult and morally ambiguous issues than he confronted in Young Widower. In his first prose book, Evans’ reader was gifted insight into the choice of a person struggling with incomprehensible tragedy to give up or move on – and cheered for Evans as he made the decision to go forward with his life and rejoin the world of the living. In Should I Still Wish, as in Young Widower, Evans offers the reader the rare opportunity to peer into the soul of a young person struggling with questions that have no correct answers – but in Evans’ second book it is less clear where the right answers lie.
Should I Still Wish addresses the profound challenges of a survivor confronting the aftermath of the violent loss of a spouse and confronts questions such as:
o How does one reconcile the beauty of children, a beloved second spouse and a thriving career with a loss of an earlier spouse that unlocked the door to the richness of this second life?; and
o Is it OK still to want and find happiness for yourself after the untimely death of a loved one?
While Evans’ specific experience is unique, Evans places his story within a question that will be familiar to many readers: How to explain to those around you – particularly your children – a life that was chosen, lived and often loved before this current chapter of your life began?
This final question is highlighted as, interspersed with the tale of his exceptional life, Evans adds bits of professional development and family life that most readers will be able to relate to. Should I Still Wish contains a number of deeply moving scenes of Evans’ family life, of imagined conversations with his late wife, and of times when Evans recognizes that, although consumed with grief, the author and those around him want (sometimes desperately) to believe that an earlier chapter had cleanly closed and that Evans has moved on. The book seethes with the tension of honoring a past life honestly while simultaneously living in a present life joyfully. These feelings will be familiar to anyone who has loved someone following the end of a previous relationship. By the close of the book, I got the sense that Evans has been able to move forward with his life so gracefully because his writing has given him the space to grieve the violent death of his first wife and to contain his grief in his art.
It is rare for an author to expose the contradictions of life, and, in doing so in heartfelt, moving prose in Should I Still Wish, Evans reveals a bit more of what it means to love, to be resilient, to doubt and to be human. Should I Still Wish is the most mature book that I have read by Evans – both in style and in content – and I highly recommend it to thoughtful readers.
Should I Still Wish addresses the profound challenges of a survivor confronting the aftermath of the violent loss of a spouse and confronts questions such as:
o How does one reconcile the beauty of children, a beloved second spouse and a thriving career with a loss of an earlier spouse that unlocked the door to the richness of this second life?; and
o Is it OK still to want and find happiness for yourself after the untimely death of a loved one?
While Evans’ specific experience is unique, Evans places his story within a question that will be familiar to many readers: How to explain to those around you – particularly your children – a life that was chosen, lived and often loved before this current chapter of your life began?
This final question is highlighted as, interspersed with the tale of his exceptional life, Evans adds bits of professional development and family life that most readers will be able to relate to. Should I Still Wish contains a number of deeply moving scenes of Evans’ family life, of imagined conversations with his late wife, and of times when Evans recognizes that, although consumed with grief, the author and those around him want (sometimes desperately) to believe that an earlier chapter had cleanly closed and that Evans has moved on. The book seethes with the tension of honoring a past life honestly while simultaneously living in a present life joyfully. These feelings will be familiar to anyone who has loved someone following the end of a previous relationship. By the close of the book, I got the sense that Evans has been able to move forward with his life so gracefully because his writing has given him the space to grieve the violent death of his first wife and to contain his grief in his art.
It is rare for an author to expose the contradictions of life, and, in doing so in heartfelt, moving prose in Should I Still Wish, Evans reveals a bit more of what it means to love, to be resilient, to doubt and to be human. Should I Still Wish is the most mature book that I have read by Evans – both in style and in content – and I highly recommend it to thoughtful readers.
March 6, 2017
John W. Evans’ Should I Still Wish is a sequel to his first memoir, Young Widower. In the first book, Evans tells the horrific story of his wife Katie being mauled to death by a brown bear in Romania, and his subsequent grief, guilt and adjustment.
In Should I Still Wish Evans renews a friendship with Cait, whom he also met ten years earlier while serving with the Peace Corps in Bangladesh. The memoir begins one year after the violent death of his first wife.
John and Cait eventually marry and have three sons. The author uses dreams, memories, and second-person accounts akin to letters to his first son and to his deceased wife, to share his struggle through the various stages of grief and recovery. He writes of his desire to make peace with the natural world again, and to acknowledge life’s abundant joys.
Should I Still Wish is a moving story of second chances and daring to love again. Evans is an excellent writer who has a talent for describing intricate details of emotions and scenes. He teaches creative writing at Stanford University.
In Should I Still Wish Evans renews a friendship with Cait, whom he also met ten years earlier while serving with the Peace Corps in Bangladesh. The memoir begins one year after the violent death of his first wife.
John and Cait eventually marry and have three sons. The author uses dreams, memories, and second-person accounts akin to letters to his first son and to his deceased wife, to share his struggle through the various stages of grief and recovery. He writes of his desire to make peace with the natural world again, and to acknowledge life’s abundant joys.
Should I Still Wish is a moving story of second chances and daring to love again. Evans is an excellent writer who has a talent for describing intricate details of emotions and scenes. He teaches creative writing at Stanford University.
December 12, 2016
I absoluetly LOVE John Evan's writing style, and I loved this book. It is a beautiful book about grief, but also about hope and how one picks up the pieces and starts a new life for himself. I love the way he weaves storytelling and reflection, memory and fact. This book moved me deeply and I was so struck by John's optimism and desire to heal in the face of such tragedy. I would have to pause after each chapter to really take a moment to soak in all the goodness of his words and his story. This was such a pleasure to read. I have been recommending it to everyone!
September 20, 2016
Reading memoirs is a bit like slowing down at the scene of a crash -- we want to see, we don’t want to see. If we happen to catch a glimpse of someone strapped to a gurney, it’s still not enough: we want at once to know why they crashed, whether they’ll walk again, how many kids were in the car. In Young Widower: A Memoir, Evans offered us a tour of the wrecked car; he told us again and again what he remembered, what he understood to be true, and what would never make sense. In Should I Still Wish, he brings us along as he again climbs behind the wheel and drives West.
This story begins as Evans ends a self-imposed year of mourning for his first wife, and it doesn’t end: he’s still living, still grieving, still dreaming. There aren’t any clean breaks, or pithy life lessons for the newly bereaved, and the book is better for their absence. Evans’ happiness as he falls in love and builds a family coexists with his grief, his memories, and his uncertainty about how to navigate a life that is at once bursting with possibility and utterly terrifying.
I took comfort in the book, for its willingness to forgive this ambivalence: you can adore your young son, and mourn the lives you might have lived had he not been born. You can look forward all year to your family vacation in the woods, it says, and have a panic attack in the car while you’re there. That’s still a life worth wishing for.
This story begins as Evans ends a self-imposed year of mourning for his first wife, and it doesn’t end: he’s still living, still grieving, still dreaming. There aren’t any clean breaks, or pithy life lessons for the newly bereaved, and the book is better for their absence. Evans’ happiness as he falls in love and builds a family coexists with his grief, his memories, and his uncertainty about how to navigate a life that is at once bursting with possibility and utterly terrifying.
I took comfort in the book, for its willingness to forgive this ambivalence: you can adore your young son, and mourn the lives you might have lived had he not been born. You can look forward all year to your family vacation in the woods, it says, and have a panic attack in the car while you’re there. That’s still a life worth wishing for.
December 21, 2016
John Evans’ moving memoir reads like a Greek tragedy with deep Peace Corps roots. Should I Still Wish is the second of his books to tell a story in Bangladesh where he served with his wife, Katie, as well as his second wife, Cate, all of whom were part of the “Peace Corps Tribe.” The first book, Young Widowers tells a dreadful tale of his wife being mauled to death by a brown bear in the Carpathian Mountains while they were working for a year in Romania. The unfairness of this loss and the brutality of nature would impact him for much of his life after this violent event.
In his second memoir, the author uses dreams, memories and a series of compelling stories to describe the stages of grief, guilt, fear and hope he lived through on his way to a new life as he falls in love again as a young widower. His new love, Cate, had attended the wedding and three years later, Katie’s funeral, and during the first months after Katie’s death had mailed a “care package” from the Bay Area.
Though heartbroken and lonely after his wife’s untimely death he realizes that he cannot remain inconsolable, dwelling on the past, even as he’s living with his in-laws in Indiana. He sees a therapist who helps him deal with the guilt and set a path forward to a new life, one which would shift from Indianapolis to San Francisco.
At one point he reveals hauntingly that he could leave his routine “but never forget Katie’s voice.” He shared his most intimate dreams of both Katie and Cate with graphic imagery, such as the fact that Katie’s death anniversary was on the “longest evening of the year.”
Evans’ journey to recovery begins with a cross-country trip from the Badlands to the majesty of Yellowstone to the foothills of the Sierra Mountains, and the time contemplating his vulnerability and the legacy of a horrific tragedy.
“Should I Still Wish” chronicles the author’s efforts to leave a year of intense grief behind in order to make a new life by reconnecting with a woman who promises a new life of meaning and grace. With unflinching honesty, he explores the uncertainties, doubts and contradictions which eventually will lead to a new love story, celebration of fatherhood, meditation on the afterlife of grief and resilience and an inspirational story which leads to a new wife and beautiful children of his own.
The author is an accomplished professor of creative writing at Stanford and his book The Consolations was the winner of the 2015 Peace Corps Writers Best Poetry Book. Should I Still Wish will come out in January 2017 and can be pre-ordered – something I’d highly recommend for anyone looking for a moving memoir of love’s recovery.
In his second memoir, the author uses dreams, memories and a series of compelling stories to describe the stages of grief, guilt, fear and hope he lived through on his way to a new life as he falls in love again as a young widower. His new love, Cate, had attended the wedding and three years later, Katie’s funeral, and during the first months after Katie’s death had mailed a “care package” from the Bay Area.
Though heartbroken and lonely after his wife’s untimely death he realizes that he cannot remain inconsolable, dwelling on the past, even as he’s living with his in-laws in Indiana. He sees a therapist who helps him deal with the guilt and set a path forward to a new life, one which would shift from Indianapolis to San Francisco.
At one point he reveals hauntingly that he could leave his routine “but never forget Katie’s voice.” He shared his most intimate dreams of both Katie and Cate with graphic imagery, such as the fact that Katie’s death anniversary was on the “longest evening of the year.”
Evans’ journey to recovery begins with a cross-country trip from the Badlands to the majesty of Yellowstone to the foothills of the Sierra Mountains, and the time contemplating his vulnerability and the legacy of a horrific tragedy.
“Should I Still Wish” chronicles the author’s efforts to leave a year of intense grief behind in order to make a new life by reconnecting with a woman who promises a new life of meaning and grace. With unflinching honesty, he explores the uncertainties, doubts and contradictions which eventually will lead to a new love story, celebration of fatherhood, meditation on the afterlife of grief and resilience and an inspirational story which leads to a new wife and beautiful children of his own.
The author is an accomplished professor of creative writing at Stanford and his book The Consolations was the winner of the 2015 Peace Corps Writers Best Poetry Book. Should I Still Wish will come out in January 2017 and can be pre-ordered – something I’d highly recommend for anyone looking for a moving memoir of love’s recovery.
October 27, 2016
This is my second book by the author that I have read. It is very apparent that as he has matured, so has his writing skill. Evans is efficient with his words while also providing a full picture of the changes that he was undergoing on his journey. There are treats of sentences throughout his latest work that take few precious words but convey so much meaning. And example of this is when he talks about biking in one of the national parks on his journey to California. He notes that he bikes the same exact route over two days in the park and adroitly notes "even in new places he likes his cycles ." Thankfully, the book avoid clichés about grief and Evans readily admits that almost a decade later he is still wrestling with what his past tragedy means while embracing and reconciling his newfound life and joy. Evans never directly says it but his newfound life in love with the wife and child is a metaphor for hope. My hope is that you read this novel and that you enjoy his journey as I have. I also hope that we continue to experience Evans' growth as a writer.
April 27, 2024
Having just finished this book, it is shimmering in my heart and consciousness. Perhaps I should have started with the Young Widower, which I purchased years ago along with Still Wish, but I wasn’t as drawn to it. Now I can hardly wait to go back in time with the author.
I’ve been enriched by my time with this book, as a reader, but also as a beginning writer. It is a beautiful example of what people teach about “showing not telling.”
I’ve been enriched by my time with this book, as a reader, but also as a beginning writer. It is a beautiful example of what people teach about “showing not telling.”
November 28, 2023
This is in many ways a sequel to John's book, Young Widower. I'll say I liked this one more as the subject itself--finding love again after the death of his first wife--is more hopeful and forward looking. Besides this, John's just an excellent writer and it reads well.
September 16, 2016
Should I Still Wish by John W Evans follows on his previous memoir, Young Widower, in which recounts the story of losing his wife, who was thirty, to a bear attack. He was twenty-nine at the time. I haven’t read that earlier memoir. In this book, Evans writes about falling in love again as a widower, and the complicated mix of grief, guilt and love that accompanies it. There’s a happy ending and Evans looks back on his the violent ending of his first marriage, his subsequent remarriage and the births of his children with a wisdom and serenity that gives hope. Ultimately though, I needed to know a bit more of the backstory, so to speak, and was interested to know how he coped with his grief, and as I hadn’t read the first memoir, this was a story I didn’t have access to, which was frustrating. Read the first volume, then move onto this poetic, moving book.
Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews