Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Drive

I know it's late now I know I ought to go
Ride in your car now but please don't drop me home
My head's so heavy, could this be all a dream?
Promise me maybes and say things you don't mean

Rain fall from concrete colored skies
No boy, don't speak now you just
Drive, drive, drive
Take me through make me feel alive, alive
When I ride with you

Keep my heart turning on axles around you
Keep our love burning just like it used to do
Now just for us, they could play our favorite tune
Let's not discuss all these things we can't undo

Let rain fall from concrete colored sky
No boy, don't speak now you just
Drive, drive, drive
Speed me through make me feel alive, alive
When I ride with you

Rain fall from concrete coloured skies
No boy, don't speak now you just drive
------------------------------
Bic Runga - Drive


Whenever I hear this beautiful song it makes me think about how many of us guys here let our wives down when we failed to lead the relationship as they hoped/wished/dreamed we would. Mrs. Cinco hinted many times about how she wished I would "take care of things" such as the house and finances. She never said it but also to include "the fires" of our love and passion.

She wants me to "drive" our relationship. "Know" where it is headed and take her along with me for the "ride" of her life. Keep our love burning not by words but with actions... with feeling... her love can then flow because my love becomes a beacon for her to follow.

Love doesn't just happen - We make it happen. I know there were many nights in the past when I would just lie next to Mrs. Cinco and think, "Why aren't we making love right now? I want for us to be in each other's arms. Why doesn't she hold me?" The funny thing is that I could have taken her in my arms at any time. I could have made the love happen by giving her my love. I was waiting for something that needed to come from me... not the other way around.

It's a new year and a new me. Those of you that have followed my threads here can see the changes in me. I won't ever stop learning about how to open myself and give my gift of love... to my woman, to my friends and to the world.

I honestly never imagined the changes in my life that I am experiencing. I thought I had to change my wife to get the marriage that I wanted when it was me that needed to change all along. It feels good to be on this path that I am on now. It all seems so simple now but I could not see it with myself closed off from the world.

Here are links to all of my threads that I have posted here. The ever-growing list is so long that they won't all fit into my signature file any longer:

Wall of Denial
All I Can Do
Daylight
Tower
Innocent
It's automatic when you feel it

Cinco

Cinco - I'm so happy for you...it takes a long time to really learn this lesson, doesn't it? You know that I only learned it after a messy divorce...I'm so happy you learned it before that dreaded outcome. I hope you are still loving your new job! I finally got a job, too and am enjoying it for the past 3 weeks. Whew, no more checking craiglist for jobs constantly!

DQ

Hey DQ: Yes, still loving the new job. Lots of very welcomed challenges for me. I'm glad to hear you are working again too. Yay!

It took both Mrs. Cinco and I time to make our love work again with passion. The best part is that she is happier now than I have seen her in... I can't even remember when.

There is still resistance from her but now she *will* open herself to me. It is so wonderful when she does open. Again I know that our ST has played a part in this. By having that neutral voice urging her on, challenging her to try to see things differently. Bringing us together again.

Also my opening myself to her, being honest with her about my weakness/addiction. She never knew how baffling it was for me to feel so out of control. Wanting something but not knowing what that something was. Wanting to feel alive and fulfilled yet feeling so empty and alone.

It was intimacy with her that was missing and my own fears of rejection that kept us from finding one another. I love sharing myself with her as I do now.

Cinco

Cinco,
How did you find your ST?
I'm from a pretty small town and I'm not sure how I'd find someone to work with us like that.

SpinFree

Hi SpinFree - First of all, sorry that I didn't see your post sooner, it has been one very busy week for me and I haven't looked at the forum in several days.

I found our ST on the aasect.org web site. (It's the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists.) Under "FOR THE PUBLIC", select "Locate a Professional", then pick your location. Not sure if this will help you find an ST in you area but you never know.

I did also look in the health care provider directory of my insurance plan at the time too. You also might try a Yellow Pages search in your area.

Best of luck in your search.

Cinco

Hi #5. Funny you should quote 'Drive' lyrics. Remember "Drive" by the Cars? We had a bust-up back then & separated a couple weeks or so. H kept asking if I wanted him to come back. Told him to do what HE wanted to do. Make his own decision. Meanwhile thinkin' whether I wanted him to come back. That song was playing once an hour on all the radio stations, me thinkin' the big "Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...." every time.

Glad about your job! December was a good month. 2 friends & my son in law got jobs, 2 friends still looking. My call-in job may be going away. Another fitness center closed this week. The one left didn't renew our management contract that ends 3/31. The place is open, but no work on who will run it or if the place will put staff on its payroll. I don't absolutely have to work, but the extra $$ is nice for fun stuff.

Speaking of fun stuff, H & I are doing better, partly from counseling & partly from talks and upsets & resolutions we get to on our own. He realizes he has to talk to me, open up & is doing that more often. Don't think he'll ever have HD, but he did say he does want me sometimes. I asked him if he'd tell me when that happens & he said he would. For us this is huge. I'm guessing that listening to the MC & having to think about answers, have a rational guy whose personality he likes, & is credible makes him feel like he's OK rather than a defective dummy.

Hoefully,
Jayce

I have not posted in a long time, mostly just lurking lately. I did not want to hijack HDwife's thread so I'll say this on my own thread.

I am truly sorry that so much flaming is going on here that DanceQueen is being driven from this forum. (Mods where are you when you are truly needed???) DQ was the one here that brought understanding for me about what I was feeling inside while starving for intimacy. As she said in a recent post, there is that sick feeling about 2 days after having sex, even connected sex, the only thing that sooths it is another connection with a committed partner while ML. Until then you are waiting... the awful waiting to feel this way again, to be happy.

DQ gave me hope that it was possible to have a rocking sex life. I never imagined I would get to feel this connected with Mrs. Cinco. It feels so wonderful when we do. I still struggle in between times. I try to keep busy with music, classes, meetings and studies. It only helps so much though.

Until last night it had been about 16 days since the last time we ML. I was hurting so much. Even one day at work my boss asked me if something was wrong. I thought "oh crap I look that bad to everyone?" Of course I couldn't say I was feeling empty because I can't wait to ML with my wife again. I just said I was fine.

Meanwhile all of the addictive thoughts are swirling in my head of wanting to "hook up" or look at porn. I know these things won't ease the way I am feeling, they are empty. It's intimacy that I want. To share myself with my wife and for her to share herself with me... but when will that happen again? Why must I feel this way?

DQ taught me how important intimacy is. I never knew that it was the thing I was missing, I thought it was only sex I needed. It was connected sex that I was dreaming of having and needed to feel whole. I'm on the right path now to finding what I was missing in my life.

Thanks for touching my life in this way DanceQueen. You have given me something to aspire to and made me feel that I wasn't the only one like this.

Cinco

Hey, Cinco. Been gone awhile, looks like I have some catching up to do. Anyone ever hear from Lucky Girl any more?

I updated my thread. Was super busy catching up, plus we had the bathroom project going on. Not too bad. No big CF, just time consuming-hope I never have to match tile colors again!

Glad to hear you're making progress, working & all that good stuff. I've missed ya!
Jayce

Jayce! Yes it's been a while I still lurk though... hehe.

You know LuckyGirl was just that - she came here looking for answers - let her H know she was hurting from the lack in their SL - and BAM! fixed her M to her satisfaction.

I've been riding a roller coaster of emotions lately. I fear that my M is as good as it is going to get and I want more... sigh

We still ML once about every 7-10 days. It's so much better now than it was when I first came here 2 years ago (Wow! it's been 2 years?). I'm still hung up on the way that Mrs. Cinco won't open herself to me. I know you can relate to that one Jayce.

She clams up during ML. Doesn't want to get outside of her comfort zone. The last few months its seems like we are going backwards. All this time she has continued with a woman's group that meets once a week with our ST. It's a how to turn your mojo back "ON" group.

The thing that has improved most, to use Schnarch's terms, is that she has gotten really good at doing me. I mean it is truly wonderful the way that she makes me feel.

Trouble is she isn't comfortable with being done. Since I enjoy doing even more than my being done, it's like there is something missing. I just want make her to feel the earth shaking, I love to do that for a woman. It's a gift from me that she just doesn't want to receive.

Effing? Well since you have to both simultaneously do while at the same time being done, that ain't happening.

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I'm glad to read about your progress Jayce. It is a slow process and then you never know how far it will take you. It's always seems so simple for us HD's. Our LD spouses must think we are just insatiable.

Cinco

RE: Lucky Girl; back then one of the women said her H had a 2 hr commute to work. My immediate thought was 'when would you have time left for sex?' and 'no wonder he's so tired'. What a long daily grind.