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Ho Ho Ho's and Plenty of Bad Santas

Hundreds of Santas rambled the streets (and the bars and the stores) of San Francisco on Saturday. It was the 13th annual Santacon event, which celebrates everything that is naughty, not nice, about Christmas (and Hanukkkah and Kwanza and every other seasonal celebration, religious or otherwise, that goes on at this time of year. Pagans welcome.)

The first Santacon happened back in 1994 when a couple dozen members of the Cacophony Society decided to get cheap Santa suits and force-feed some edgy holiday cheer on an unsuspecting public, all in the hope of finding free drinks and willing partners. The plan worked pretty well.

On Saturday, hundreds of Santa suit-wearing revelers converged at Pier 39 around 10:30, most carrying flasks, ready to make merry. There were lots of self-described ho ho ho's, and pretty much all the Santas were Bad Santas. There was lots of leather and plenty of red thongs. Santa was making a list, and you really wanted to be on it. I'm sorry to report that apparently a good number of people had been bad this year, because there was rampant spanking. But still, it turned out there were plenty of toys for everyone in Santa's sack.

After massing at Pier 39, the sea of red and white (and black and blue) stepped down Beach Street and made their way over to Hooters, because by now it was almost noon, and the flasks were running low. A couple hundred Santas can do wonders for a Hooters, it turns out. There was loud singing, and for once, not just the poor waitresses were getting pinched. The accordians drowned out the canned Christmas music, and lots of new friends were made.

Then it was time to move again, and the going got tough. Up the steep Hyde Street hill the Santas went, not a reindeer in sight when you needed one. The Santas made it to the top, red-faced, red-cheeked, out-of-breath ... and thirsty again ... reaching the crest of the crookedest street in the world. And then down Lombard Street they ran, fell, stumbled and swooped.

And it was all downhill from there, pretty much. The crowd of Santas was continuing to grow, because the late shift was starting to arrive in force, carrying more bottles in bags. The red and white mob made its way into North Beach and gathered again in Washington Square park for rides on swings, all-out games of Twister and general hilarity. And then one of the most classic, only-in-San Francisco moments imaginable happened: as the Santas were doing their thing in the park, a wedding party came bursting out of the doors at Sts. Peter and Paul across the street, ready for pictures at the top of the stairs.

Santa Swarm!

In a heartbeat, the happy couple and their wedding party was surrounded by the rag-tag Santa carousers, who came bearing gifts of their own special kind. There was lots of shouting and clapping and kissing and singing, and in the end the newlyweds had plenty of pictures to spice up their wedding album.

As the wedding party went off to its reception, the Santas took over Columbus Street in North Beach, massing outside the Tivoli Garden, breaking off for pizza from North Beach Pizza, or vainly trying to snap to attention with a caffeine fix from Cafe Trieste. It didn't work.
There was much more to come, and it was coming more and more furiously. It was a little like being at a Raiders game, only there was no Silver and Black: the colors were Red and White. And instead of being stuck in a cruddy end zone, we made off for the Hustler Club, then to the Irish Bank, then to the Gold Coast Lounge, with stops along the way to ride up the five flights of escalators in Macy's, offering Christmas wishes to the startled shoppers via megaphone. "Buy more stuff! Buy more stuff!" went the chants.

When last seen, the revelers were wandering around Union Square, looking a little worse for wear, a little crispy around the edges, and a little soggy behind the phony beards. Mrs. Claus's mascara was running down her cheek, and Mr. Claus was looking for another brown bag. Onward they went, into the nightlife.

Posted By: john curley (Email) | December 11 2006 at 01:15 PM