Cap’n darling has decided to retire and quite deservedly so. Mr Darling we salute you.

After all your hard work at putting the Nationalist Fox to the sword, the least a grateful nation can wish for you is a well-earned rest.

 When I heard the news this morning I must admit to having a tear in my eye and a lump in my throat.

Darling is a hero of the ordinary working man. He came from humble roots, worked his way up to the highest levels of government and, when the nation called, he put his neck on the line and saved the nation.

 Of course that’s not how my Nat colleagues see it.

“Look Roger, Darling is a serial thief. He got caught with his hand in the till. Why do you think he is called “Flipper?

He made four separate second home designations covering three different properties in the space of as many years. It’s we, the public, that picked up the tab. And when he wasn’t screwing the public purse, he was screwing up the economy.”

 

Just once, I want to land one on those pesky Nats but they have an answer for everything.

I’m sure they save them up just to fling mud at me when I get all triumphant.

“Yeah, well, at least Darling didn’t end up on the shitty side of the ballot box in the referendum, smarty pants!”

I tried another tack at tea time.

“Hey Nats, I’ll bet Darling gets a peerage!”

 No takers.

That always pisses them off, guaranteed, every time.

I must confess that I have one Nat friend who has his head screwed on the right way, well, perhaps little a bit. He’s not actually a Nat, he’s a Green. A tree hugger, who voted Yes to presumably stop global warming or save polar bears. I never quite understood. Over tea, I asked him what a Green is doing supporting an Independent Scotland.

“Well Roj, it’s like this; in the case of the UK, Greens argue that the nation is fundamentally broken and power too concentrated amongst a London elite. With its renewable energy potential Scotland is, the Greens argue, a model for what a green state might look like.

This desire for Independence has been helped by the increasing perception that the Labour, Liberal Democrat and Conservative parties who support staying in the United Kingdom are all both broadly similar and run by an elite of men produced by top universities in England. This means that they have trouble speaking to voters in Wales and Scotland who do not feel represented, or that London’s political leaders understand their problems.”

What is it with these Nats? They have an answer for fucking everything. They’re either smart arsed SNP types with a bag full of put downs, or an intellectual snob of a Green.

Even my cousin has turned traitor. He voted No but is now regretting that decision. Apparently Milliband, Mr Cameron and someone else promised a Vow that Scotland would get more powers if it voted No. Big Gordie brokered the deal and the Daily Record published it. I was going to vote No anyway, so I couldn’t care less. Anything to get that smug git Salmond and put him in his place.

Anyway, my cousin is bumping his gums about the fact that nothings been forthcoming and that this is proof of the lies and chicanery of London.

Who cares? It’s seeing Salmond sorted out that is the main issue here and he was.

This was a war, who cares about the rules?

The Nats had to be put back in their box so that the true representatives of the people, the Labour Party, could prepare the ground for the second coming.

“What second coming, Roj? What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Look Cus,” I replied. “Get it into your head that Labour are going to walk into No 10 and fix everything. Ok?”

“Really?” came back Cus. “How?”

 It’s at points like this when I think I really hate my cousin. I mean, how the fuck am I supposed to know? 

“Roj, it’s just that Labour had 13 years in government to fix things and just knackered the whole place up.”

I think I’m starting to hate my cousin!

One of the other Nats at work is seriously cruising for a bruising. He’s called Pete and he’s sailing mightily close to the wind.

I was winding him up about Darling retiring and how he, Darling, is a saint and deserves all the accolades coming his way for putting down what was effectively a non-violent insurrection by a bunch of loony revolutionaries.

“Roger, we may be loony revolutionaries but I’d rather be one of those and keep my head held high than willingly bend over, take it up the bum and ask for more, like you have.

Roger by name and Roger by nature, the lot of you. Proud Scots my arse! Although in the case of your arse it was given freely, along with our oil and other resources, with a big smile on your face!”

There he goes again. What the hell is he talking about and what on earth has my name to do with bending over to London?

I just don’t get it!