I was very surprised when the Roman Catholic Archbishop rung me up yesterday in order to inform me that I was to be ordained Bishop of the Wrocław diocese.  Following a ceremony in the RC cathedral (Infekcja performing the music) and a do at Złe mięso, I was asked what plans I have.  I answered, saying that I shall start with my local church:

* The reredos is to be sold off as it look ghastly.  If no church with such a poor taste that one can practically taste the vomit as soon as one even looks at it can be found to by it, it is to be sold for scrap and replaced with either bare stone, or with a wooden replacement complete with statues of St. Fransis of Assisi (who didn’t have much respect for standard morals), some local saint and a hard-as-nails-looking angel.

Confession will, in future, involve “Eye for an eye” concerts

* There is to be an investigation intoanti-semitic comments made by a priest during a sermon, as well as into the extremely tacky Jesus’ grave, where it was alleged that “abortion”, “open relationships” and “liberalism” caused Jesus’ death.  A policy of mutual culpability is to be enforced, whereby all clergy are to be suspended from clerical duties until it is discerned which priest(s) were behind these events.  Should any priests be found to not have been supportive of these scandalous measures, they shall receive a lesser disciplinary procedure.

* There is also to be an investigation into the decision to read out the barmy letter of my colleagues regarding gender.  (Unfortunately, I am not yet in such a power as to discipline my fellow bishops, but bear in mind that that day will come)

* Depending on the levity of their crimes, these priests are to be sent to courses which deal with education related to the Holocaust, prejudice (with a particular regard to homophobia and sexism) and democracy.  This shall take place over the course of at least a year, and they shall be readmitted to clerical work upon a future monitoring of their conduct.

* It is to be expected that parishioners will be distressed by having their priests being taken away.  This is a regretful and a consequence of what is a necessary action.  It is hoped that a clear positioning by myself will demonstrate that the aforementioned sins are to be held in disdain and will be met with necessary measures.

* The church will no longer be run by the diocese, but rather by a committee comprising of a 50-50 male/female split (the clergy being part of that male figure, though it is hoped that a wiser RC church will one day not exclude women from the ordained order), with 15% being under 15, 20% 16-25, 20% 26-35, 15% 36-45, 10% 45-55, 10% 56-65 and 10% over 66.  Within this division, at least 5% should be Roma, and at least 10% should be those who are openly LGBT.  Also within this division, 20% should be members of NGOs or anarchist collectives.

* Parishes will decide upon who shall be their priests, in consultation, only consultation with myself.

* A spirit not of grimness but of joy will be the bedrock of the new era.  To kick this off, a concert shall take place in the local park, complete with tons of vegan food, hardcore music, ice-cream, juice-cocktails and modern art.

* The church shall give a clear opposition to local fascist and prejudicial action.  A group will be set up to paint over graffiti that contradicts Christ’s message of love.

* Confession is to be remain an important part of spiritual life.  However, the massively overbalance into a grim, serious, God-is-so-fucking-angry-with-us movement needs to be urgently addressed, and the loving forgiveness of God needs to be the bedrock of the future use of confession.  Penances will from now on involve headbanging, dancing wildly to aggressive music, massage, bird-watching, bible reading, the reading of liberation/green/feminist theology, cats (though not at the same time as bird-watching), cooking (for those who cannot yet cook or cook unhealthy food), gardening and baths.