Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Is it time to go gucci?

It has been more than five months since I posted. Mostly, things were improving, until recently. I have been watching gucci’s work and those tactics seem to be pretty effective. I am ready to call it quits anyway so why not see what happens? I’d love to have gucci's input and also that of others who understand those principles. I’m open to other points of view also.

Here is the nutshell version:

Married 4 years,( after 2 years of friendship & 3 years dating). No kids. Me- 50 H - 67. No OP.

H emotionally abusive since we got married.(mostly the covert/withholding/passive-aggressive type). Sex took a major nosedive when we married too.

About 1 year ago I read Stosny “Love without Hurt” book and ask H to read it and do the work too because I did not want to continue the way things have been.

He did a little bit of the work over the next 5 months and things improved a bit. Then he read the part where Stosny says you have to leave your spouse if he doesn’t do the work and learn to consistently value you and care about your feelings. I think H finally realized I might leave.

He starts to work the Stosny bootcamp program much more diligently and has a couple of phone consultations with him too. Things improve greatly for about 3 months. Then a relapse (when he is feeling anxious) which took several weeks to work through and then back on track.

Then a month ago H began preparing for a major work event out of the country and is under a lot of stress. He starts to get a little jerkish, but doesn’t go too far and recovers. Then late on the night before H leaves the country for a couple of months, I am upset when I realize that even though we won’t see each other for a while, he hasn’t finished packing and does not appear to have any great desire to spend ‘quality time’ with me that night. He was very cold in response to my hurt.

He didn’t call me for many days after he left. We finally worked it out though. I decided to go ahead with my original plan to join him in early Sept and spend a couple of weeks together in France. (We have not vacationed together in 3 years!) So I made got my ticket. I was really pretty excited about it.

Then it got ugly again when I finally called him at work (only place I know to reach him) after he hadn’t called for 3 days & I needed some info from him to make plans. I told him I was upset that he hadn’t called and he was cold and suggested that I was sooo unreasonable to expect that he would call me and he was very busy and no he didn’t even have 5 minutes to leave me a message. He actually showed contempt for my feelings which I had not seen in more than a year.

So he choked when the pressure was on. Funny though, the same amount of pressure before we got married did not result in him treating me poorly. (when he was out of town before we married he called me nearly every day)

My tentative plan right now is to cancel my travel plans and try to move out before he returns in about 4 weeks. (It’s his house). I haven’t said anything to him yet.

So what do you think? Am I on the right track? What do I say to H when he finally calls me?

So I am wondering, how would Gucci know if it is time to go, if YOU don't know if it is time to go?

Heya D,

Lemme play devil's (or maybe angel...who knows!) advocate for a minute.

Since that 'ugly' phone call, have either of you called each other?

If yes, was the 'ugly' phone call mentioned by either of you?

If yes, was it him or you?

If no, then as his behaviour during the 'ugly' phone call seems to be the lynch (sp?) pin in you deciding not to go to Europe, don't you think maybe he needs a heads up as to how much this bothered you?

On the other hand, you may have discussed this with him and I would be interested to hear how he behaved in that phone call. I'd imagine he's pretty distracted and focused on whatever it is he is doing and he needs a kick up the bum to realise that you are important too, otherwise you won't be sticking around.

Does this make sense? I'm forever erring on the side of "oh, maybe he didn't realise how much it upset me" and "well maybe he IS really busy and forgot to call". Is that a bad thing or not? Not necessarily though I fear the term doormat may get thrown in my direction.

Hugs to you possum.

Hi Down. Good to see you!

Does your reappearance here mean that you are still in the game with the Mrs.?

I suppose gucci would say that the sooner you go gucci, the better. Maybe you just have to be ready to say 'game over' and walk.

When the student is ready, the gucci loafer will appear.

Oh good, I love that game.



no



He knows. I was clear.



I hear what you are saying and those are good questions.

He definitely knows that it upset me. Of course he may have truly been focused, and busy, etc. That he didn't call, is about 3% of what bothers me. The way he responded to my upset is the major problem.

IMO, a guy who cares about you says something like, "I'm sorry, I got really busy and didn't realize how much time had passed. I should have at least left you a message or sent you an email so you would know what is going on." Then, I could say, "Okay, I understand you are under the gun right now, but I would appreciate it if you would keep me informed. I've have a lot to do too and it is also very stressful for me and even a brief connection is important to me." But I heard nothing like that.

nooooo..... I got a barrage of defensiveness, suggestions that I am "out of touch with reality" if I think he could call, an obvious ridiculous statement that "I couldn't call" and contempt for my feelings, ("Oh, so you were upset" , said in a mocking tone).

Hugs to you too, girl. I always appreciate your insight and good questions.

How long does it really take to call your w?

Your h's actions toward you are nothing short of hostile.

Actions speak louder than words. I don't know any better way to communicate to someone that I WILL NOT tolerate you treating me this way anymore.

If you do move out you have to follow through.

When he calls to talk...


"I decided (decisive) that this wasn't working for ME anymore. I don't WANT to be with someone who doesn't want to call me when they are away. I don't WANT to be with a person who talks to me the way you do. I am not doing that anymore. Let's just be friends. Anyway, I have to get going because I was just walking out the door. Talk to you later."

And then don't budge on your position until he gets some help and proves he is serious about changing his behavior.

Get your ducks in a row emotionally and financially.

in my experience.. this last part is the hardest.

Make sure you are CRYSTAL CLEAR as to what "getting help" and "changed behaviour" looks like to you.

You are the one that will have to communicate this (cuz we all know he'll ask: What do I have to do?? Have't I done enough already?")

What standard are you willing to accept for you? and don't budge from that position either... you are worth it.

(((dudess)))

I have a slightly different take on this.

I do think that this is the hardest part.
I do think that YOU need to know what YOU are willing to accept.

But I also think that you SHOULDN'T answer that for THEM, when they ask "What do I need to do??"

Because, in my experience, if you tell a wayward that you need to see X, Y and Z from them, they will go thru the motions (after stalling right up until your deadline, if you in fact communicated a deadline to them), and they'll dutifully just do X, Y and Z, without really taking any ownership of it.

I prefer instead to say "This is your mess; YOU need to clean it up," and/or "You know what you need to do, I'm not going to solve this mess for you." And NOT give them any deadline more specific than "My patience won't last forever."

They need to own the solution.

Puppy

PDT: that is a fuzzy one in my view. Waywards are in such a fog most times, they may really not know what to do even if they're halfway sincere.

Given that communication breakdowns and mind-reading (expecting your spouse to do so, and doing it wrongly yourself) are often responsible for so much angst in the fraying of marriages, sometimes perhaps it may make sense to set some deliverables.

I do agree they should own the solution, heck they deserve to. But when the solution involves meeting your needs, within reason it should not compromise your position if you set some markers on how you would interpret things?