When Your Child Is the Biter

By Lisa Belkin
DisciplineDiscipline
(Illustration by Barry Falls)

I would wager that every parent has a moment when they realize they have become the parent they used to judge. For a Motherlode reader named Bryan his came very recently, when he realized he was the father whose daughter bites other children. He explains:

Before I had kids I was sure it was always the parents’ fault when they were out of control. Now my daughter might be banned from day care because of biting. She is almost three and she is the biter. We’ve tried everything we can think of, punishing, explaining as well as we can to a two-year-old, role playing, time out, never leaving her alone with other children, giving her a spoon of lemon juice after she bites, but this has been happening once or twice a week. So far she hasn’t drawn blood, but this has to stop because we need her to be able to go to day care so that we can go to work. Her speech is behind others her age and I think she does this because she’s frustrated, but my wife and I can’t believe that we are the parents with the out of control child.

A few weeks ago, Lisa Pemberton, a former reporter for The Olympian newspaper, in Olympia, Wash., wrote a column in that newspaper about much the same dilemma. In her case it was her middle son doing the biting, and his favorite victims were his older sister and younger brother. The problem was finally solved when the youngest bit back. That wouldn’t work on a practical level for Bryan, because his daughter is an only child. There is always the possibility of biting the little girl himself, which parents have been known to do.

What advice do you have for Bryan? Have you been in this position? What’s worked? What hasn’t?

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DVS February 11, 2009 · 6:08 pm

Although I understand the frustration of the daycare providers and the parents of the other kids who attend, I hope the daycare providers can work with this family to patiently try to put an end to what is a very common toddler behavior.

My two ideas are (1) the book No Biting by Karen Katz. It won’t work miracles overnight but gives a different “objective” source for the child to hear the message from. (2) Could try attaching (safely without something that risks accidental strangulation obviously) a small pillow or stuffed animal to the child’s clothes that she could bite when she’s frustrated rather than another child.

Good luck!

kathy magid February 11, 2009 · 6:21 pm

I was the one who was responsible for the lollipops.

Sorry.

Kathleen February 11, 2009 · 6:22 pm

My son has been bitten by and has bitten several children over the 2-3 years he has been in day care. It happens. It is something that toddlers do. The teachers should let the child who bites know it is wrong and make them apologize to the other child. The parents should let the biter know it is wrong/inappropriate. Overall though it is a phase though, your daughter will grow out of it If the daycare can’t recognize that it doesn’t seem like a great environment for your child anyways.

Raymond Bissonette February 11, 2009 · 6:22 pm

When our first born was about four he began to bite his younger sibling. Warnings failed. One evening following an incident, my wife got on the floor eye to eye with him and bit! He howled in a combination of pain and astonishment. He’s now forty and, to the best of my knowledge, still does not bite.

rpb
buffalo

Still annoyed February 11, 2009 · 6:35 pm

My mom bit me when I was two or three, I had bitten her. Although I couldn’t articulate it at the time, my reaction was “Bi***!” which is still my reaction today, 45 years later. I don’t believe I ever bit again after that, though.

lisa February 11, 2009 · 6:36 pm

My borther was a biter. I remember how much it frustrated my parents.

I don’t remember any punishment or anything working on him. He was kind of small and he would use the biting with bigger kids if they bullied him. The problem was that the bigger kid would maybe give him a small push or something but he’d bite back as hard as he could and he would draw blood, and hurt. It was really bad.

Is it possible to work with her speech. I mean would spending more time trying to teach her to talk help?

Megan McAndrew February 11, 2009 · 6:38 pm

My daughter was known as “Jaws” at daycare. Since she was highly articulate very early, it wasn’t frustration about not talking — which I understand to be the most common reason proposed. My theory was that it was just a way to stir things up a little when things like story time got boring for her.

The day care providers dealt with it, and in time she stopped – she hasn’t bitten for the last nineteen years, that I know of – although it was embarrassing to be the mother of the accused on the “ouch report” several times a week.

Since this is both common and within the realm of normal toddler behavior, I’m surprised that your day care provider is threatening to expel your daughter. What she probably does need is for someone to bite her back, but if they’re such sticks they probably won’t encourage anyone else to do it.

I do feel your pain.

Newalgier February 11, 2009 · 6:38 pm

Kazdin. He’s the only expert you need. A point program will do wonders here. Don’t bite the kid; it’s probably illegal.

Janice February 11, 2009 · 6:41 pm

Getting older usually works – at least that’s the only thing that worked for my son. We tried everything including biting him back – but maybe I just didn’t do it hard enough. Oh well, good luck – having been there, I know it’s not an easy situation.

Gudrun February 11, 2009 · 6:41 pm

I offer the same solution. It was the exact same scenario and every once in a blue moon, we chuckle about it.

Fran February 11, 2009 · 6:43 pm

I have two sons, both of whom went through a short biting stage: with each of them, when bitten I bit back hard, though not breaking the skin. Very effective! The biting stopped, completely.

hoover February 11, 2009 · 6:43 pm

Youngest son was a biter when he was around two. Bit me more than once, finally the third time I bit him back. Felt bad but the little stinker never bit anyone again. Today he is a lovely marriede man who teaches high school.

Gordon February 11, 2009 · 6:48 pm

You say that her speech is behind her peers, and that she may be frustrated. You are well ahead of many parents who fail to recognize developmental delays until children get into academic situations later in life. My advice: find a way to treat the underlying developmental delay, and the biting should stop.

//www.neuronetonline.com

tom February 11, 2009 · 6:52 pm

I was a biter, then my Mom bit me.

amelia February 11, 2009 · 6:53 pm

I’m surprised your day care isn’t more understanding; as a number of people have mentioned, biting is a common mode of expression for toddlers. That might make me wonder of the caregivers’ experience.
What concerns me is your daughter’s feelings. She’s frustrated, unable to express it acceptably & everyone is angry with her to boot. No wonder she’s biting!
If you really think it’s a language issue, get her evaluated by a developmental specialist to see if this is a typical delay. If it’s not, speech therapy may help her express herself more appropriately.

rms February 11, 2009 · 6:53 pm

You need a better school. And a good set of friends.

The two biters I remember from my daughter’s childhood are now a teacher of romance languages and a psychiatric social worker. They outgrew biting long ago, so don’t sweat it.

My son has always been large, and, as a toddler, was able to cruise around and take toys from other children, who because they were small children, immediately turned their attention to other toys.

(I kept my eyes on this, but didn’t know what to say because my son seemed totally unaware of the other children and the other children didn’t seem to care either. Four years earlier, I had had to stop my mother from getting into playground fights with 2 year olds who took toys from my 18 month old daughter, who also didn’t seem to mind at all, so I’ve seen this from both sides).

One child’s mother objected to the “atmosphere of violence” my son was creating, and didn’t want her child playing with my son anymore. In all fairness, she did add that her husband had said she was nuts.

Anyway, I was devestated, and was lucky to have good friends who comforted me and told me that my son was behaving normally for his age.

And I was very glad he hadn’t been playing with this child for months when, at the age he had been when she was no longer allowed to play with him, she bit her family dog.

At least that was something he didn’t have to take the fall for.

krish February 11, 2009 · 6:55 pm

put your finger between their teeth and ask them to bite. When they start biting, push down on the lower jaw.

As they try to bite harder push on the lower jaw to compensate the pressure. Not too much. Just enough to compensate so that the bite won’t hold. Now talk to them and tell them biting is not a good thing.

You know when the message is getting through by their body language. ‘

If you think the message is not getting through, or if this treatment needs to be given multiple times, push down even harder as they bite. Enough for them to feel the pain in the jaw (but not as much to dislocate the jaw!!!!).

This is more likely to work than biting them back. My feeling is biting them may let them know that they can really hurt others by biting, but they have to be more careful who they do it to and when they do it.

Jenny February 11, 2009 · 7:01 pm

When I was little I used to love to bite people I liked. My oldest sister got me to bite an annoying boy so hard that I drew blood. She bet him that I could bite hard enough to make him bleed. He bet I couldn’t. Boy, was he wrong. He really screamed. I don’t recall biting anyone else after that. I sort of remember biting myself after I bit him in a show of bravado and that it hurt. I think biting back is probably the best way to stop biting unless the kid is willing to try biting themselves….. good luck! By the way, I wasn’t the least bit frustrated or inarticulate. I just liked to bite. I guess I was more ‘oral’ than ‘anal’.

Taylor February 11, 2009 · 7:02 pm

My mother tells a family tale in which my little brother was a horrible biter. He bit children at the babysitter’s, at nursery school, and the last straw came when he bit me and drew blood. His speech was also less developed – he didn’t speak until the age of four, when all of a sudden it was complete sentences.

My mother one day, when he bit her, had had it and bit him back, on his arm (of course she did not draw blood). She describes his expression rather vividly – he was “in total shock.” She could see the epiphany happen in his toddler brain before her very eyes. He never bit again.

Sally February 11, 2009 · 7:03 pm

My child was a biter until his grandmother bit him back. Problem solved, never happened again. Bite back! (As ludicrous as it sounds).

eliz February 11, 2009 · 7:04 pm

if the daycare can’t deal with this normal but awful phase of the life of a 2 year old she is probably not in a place that meets her needs. She will outgrow it. I say this as a child care provider who has dealt with terrible biting. Trying to watch a child constantly is the goal, though the human cannot really do this. Eyes will stray and biting will still happen. But bit by bit all the interventions that can be thrown her way will end it. And yes a bite back is probably the best bet. But one can’t really orchestrate that, can one?

Susan February 11, 2009 · 7:05 pm

What jumps out at me is your comment that “her speech is behind others her age”. As a pre-k teacher it has been my experience that inappropriate behavior is quite often a substitute for language. When children cannot communicate and express their feelings in words, they will often become frustrated and communicate by biting, hitting or throwing tantrums. If your daughter felt more confident expressing herself (verbally) she might not act out by biting. Have you explored the reasons why her speech is delayed?

stay at home mom February 11, 2009 · 7:06 pm

Here’s how to stop toddler biting: You have to basically be next to the child whenever they are playing with others, and pay attention to the scenarios that lead to a bite (boredom, seeking attention, frustration). When the biter starts to bite, you gently grasp the jaw and close it for him/her. This serves to eliminate the “satisfaction” of “connecting” with the victim’s limb. It stops this behavior in a very short period of days, but you have to be consistent, i.e., you have to eliminate the “reward” of the chomp every single time they make an attempt. Of additional help is to comfort and coddle the victim, and ignore the biter. This also eliminates the “reward” aspect of getting attention. This is hard to do if you are not around them all day, but the day care providers should be able to handle this with little trouble, if they designate a “watcher.”

john February 11, 2009 · 7:07 pm

Our oldest responded tearfully to being beaten up with the comment “Next time I am going to bring my little brother: he bites”.

Heide February 11, 2009 · 7:11 pm

Our son went through a biting phase. He drew blood from both me and his grandfather. We got out the teething rings from when he was a baby and told him that if he needed to bite something, he could gnaw on those as much as he wanted. The phase lasted a seemingly endless six weeks or so, and he hasn’t bitten anyone else in the past three years.