July 2001
Copyright by Charles Henry
‘Ood be a leader uv a politcal party. . . . .You as ta be a massikist I reccon. . . . Da only wuns wots luvs you is yer muvver an yer publisher. . . . Aw da rest is stickin it to you, . . an even yer muvver ull be moanin’ if you gives yer wife more attention dan ‘er.
Wots gonna ‘appen now I wunders. . . Tonys got back in fer da duration an Gordy ull be spittin’ blood an pound coins. . . An now Mr. Portillo av gone frew da change a life ta try an be aw fings ta aw men. Women, yoovs , an’ illegal immigrunts uv any sexual persuasion. . . In fact any bugger as long as dey knows ‘ow ta put a cross on a ballot paper. . . . Ken Clarke av come out huffin an puffin’, (ees a bit over weight), like a spurned woman wots found out er replacement av bin dumped an aw. . . . . . . . . . . Trubble is ee still aint lernt ‘ow ta cook er wiggle if you sees wot I means.
Local elections wus rigged. . . Sum peeple went ta vote only to be tawd deyed already voted by post, an as usual da local press supported dey wots buggered up Britaw fer da last ferty yers. Now we’ll aw av ta wait till god knows wen before we gets any sense. Workin’ peeple ain’t reely got no bugger lookin out for um now. Tony only looks after aw is big bisness cronys now, an till old labour voters gives un a kick in da goolies eel jest keep ‘is eye on bein’ President.
Me bruvver av started ‘aving lessons in crisis management. . . Ee reccons dey’ll giv un a job in da ‘elf service. . . Ee ‘ates me ya no, wen we wus kids eed get are muvver ta let un take I wid un wen ee went bird nestin, . . . . Eed make I climb up ar anty Lils loft an get sparrows eggs. . . Ee wernt ‘appy wiv jest one. . . Eed make I put two in me mouf so’s I could climb back down. . . Nen eed shake da bleedin’ ladder. . . Nen I’d showt out “Ged off will you. . . ugh! “, speshly if dey wus addled . . . . An ee wonts ta get on da cowncil , da git.
Slobadob av ad is cumuppence an aw . . . Da yanks sed dey unt give da serbs nuffink unless dey turned da bugger over ta da werld court, da’ague er wot ever dey caws it. . . It looks like Mr Bush’s mate Colin Powell av got da measure uv ‘is job aw rite. . . . Wiv a bit a luck eel be avin ago at sum a dey uvver gits like Sadam an Castro an dat git in Rodeesha, Moogabee.
Norvern Irelands goin’ inta melt down. . . Da IRA ant given up no guns, an aint likely to. . . . I meen aw dat lot frum H block is out sunnin’ um selves on da Costa Brava, an dere leaders is aw on da guvernment gravy train, so wots da point!. . . . Down souf deys avin a boom wiv 6 Billion each yer uv are money frum Yorup. . . .Dey takes us all fer pratts, an dey ouldn’t be far wrong I reccon.
I’n depressed, even da bosses wife don’t wont sex no more, . . . not wiv I any’ow. . . . I used ta fink we ‘ad a special relationship but I fink it’s only wiv er sweepin’ brush now. . . I’n still only doin’ part time but either da boss uv ad a new lease a life, er da milkmans leevin er gold top now. . . I wer gonna see if I could get councilin’ so I rang da cowncil. . . Dey sent I form ta fill in.. .It said age if over 21 ? , I wrote, “not sure”, den it sed sex so I wrote, “Yes”. Den it says Nationality ? . . I fought sod dat, next fing they’ll wont ta know if I pulls da flush wiv me left ‘and an I’ll av ta pay cowncil tax, so I binned it.
Any ow if diss wevver keeps up dere’ll be a wa’ter shortage, so’s I’n goin round ar anty Lils ta water er garden, an wiv any luck she’ll give I feed a strawberries an are Ediff ull be sunbavin’.
I’ll av to remember not ta took too ‘appy. . . . See Ya.
