It's like the Proms. It comes back every year, nobody remembers when it actually started (as it has always been here), and the programme is more or less the same with a few new variations each time: I solemnly declare the French-bashing season open! A new study would have us believe that Europeans loathe the French. And to make it look more serious, this report has been compiled by two Frenchmen. Ooh la la! As a true European, citizen of the world, French-born and British resident, let me rise to the defence of my countrymen and try to explain what may lie below the surface.
So, what do we learn in this study? When asked how they view the French, every nationality in the panel has a different answer. Yet there are recurrent and common grudges. Simply put - since indeed only five adjectives to describe the French were asked of those questioned - they are viewed as: "arrogant, pretentious, rude, promiscuous, disobedient."
Arrogance, first. The French arrogant? Yes, they are. Of course, they are. How could they not be arrogant? Have you ever been to France? A country where trains arrive on the dot, the health system is still the best in the world, girls are beautiful (and thin), best friends of 20 years fall out over the European referendum and grammatical issues, people kiss endlessly almost everywhere, take to the streets at the slightest whim, discuss for hours the way to cook coq au vin, cry when they read Voltaire. How can they not be arrogant when they have so many reasons to be proud of their country?
Also, their arrogance is not like any arrogance, it's pretty straightforward, pretty childlike. In other words, endearing. It says, "We are the best", while deep down they know very well they are not. Their arrogance is like that of a barking poodle. Annoying, perhaps, but of no great consequence for the world. Nothing like British arrogance, which is of the ultimate kind. British arrogance never says "we are the best" as it goes without saying. That's why the British are so polite to foreigners. Foreigners will never threaten their superiority, as it is far beyond anybody's reach.
Pretentious? Yes, definitely. It goes hand in hand with arrogance and frivolity. French pretentiousness comes mainly from two things: their sense of aesthetics and their love of their language. In France, style is the norm, while abroad, style is deemed as unnecessary, ultimately vain, and therefore pretentious. In France, it is normal to take care of how one looks, walks, talks, of how one might be perceived by others. Looking at others and being looked at is quintessentially French. It's not really a game or a code; the French are born like this, that's how they relate to each other. Their love for their mother tongue, meanwhile, has been universally underestimated by foreigners who have long admitted defeat and bowed to the new lingua franca, namely the English language. The French will be the last to bow. Their attitude looks undoubtedly conceited, thus pretentious, but frankly isn't it quite also admirable?
Rude? Yes, indeed, they are very rude. And they are not sorry for it. However, rest assured that they are the first victims of their own rudeness. Never believe that taxi drivers and Parisian waiters are only rude to foreigners. They are rude to everybody. As for more everyday rudeness, others would call it straightforwardness. The French are no hypocrites, they don't apologise before insulting you. They don't warn before striking the first blow. They are not civilised that way, unlike their British friends.
Promiscuous? Yes, I guess they are. But no more so than their European neighbours. Stories about politicians leading double lives, with a wife/husband, a mistress/lover and children from both beds, will never make the headlines in France for it's - almost - everybody's daily bread. And why should this mean that you can't do your job properly - as is always thought in countries like Britain? Having a mistress or a lover means you're likely to cheat on your country or your employer? How ridiculous.
Disobedient? Er, yes, again. It would be difficult to hide the fact that the French are often on strike or plainly fighting against this and that. Tourists and business people know it all too well. The French are unruly, a real pain to govern. And when they are angry, well, heads roll. But again, don't you find their anger charming? Admit it, you love it.
There are yet more grudges borne by Europeans. But what they actually reveal has less to do with the French than with their own persona. The British find the French "humourless". How do you compare both senses of humour? And just because you don't understand somebody else's humour doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Have you ever heard a German joke? French humour is very much based on the language: puns, jeux de mots et d'esprit . French wit, one of the most refined (remember Ridicule? Remember Cyrano?), is based on language games. So go back to your French schoolbooks.
The Swedes, it is claimed, find the French "disorganised and neo-colonialist", which sounds like the complaint of distraught and unhappy rivals. The Spaniards see the French as "cold and distant" - the lament of a long-spurned lover. The Dutch describe the French as "talkative and shallow": do they mean lively and beautiful to look at? Italians think the French are "carnal, righteous and self-obsessed". I guess those Italian questioned thought they had to find adjectives to describe their fellow countrymen. Greeks dismiss the French as "out-of-touch and egocentric": sweet words coming from a country whose greatest achievements came two-and-a-half thousand years ago.
There are many ways of describing the French but if there is one thing this study proves is that the French don't leave anybody lost for words. Another way of looking at it is to remember the old French saying: qui aime bien, chtie bien (He who loves well, criticises well). At this point the conclusion becomes obvious: Europeans are secretly in love with the French. And as in all love stories, the French drive their lover crazy. But then, of course, you will just say that it's the arrogant romantic foolish French in me.
· Les Nouveaux Anglais, revisited clichés, by Agnès Poirier, will be released in English by Weidenfeld & Nicolson on April 24 2006.