Sunday, May 11

100 witty sayings found on www.witty-quotes.com

1.
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
2.
The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.
3.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4.
House Guarded By Shotgun 3 Days A Week. Guess Which Days.
5.
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
6.
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
7.
It's your god. They're your rules. *You* go to hell.
8.
I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out he didnt work that way...so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness
9.
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
10.
My god carries a hammer. Your god died nailed to a tree. Any questions?
11.
Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
12.
Actual Headline: Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
13.
If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.
14.
if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN
15.
A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
16.
The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?
17.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
18.
You can't be late until you show up.
19.
Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway
20.
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
21.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
22.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
23.
A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.
24.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources
25.
books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn't pay..so if you keep reading, you'll go broke
26.
Advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
27.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
28.
Answering Machine Saying: Sorry I can’t get to the phone right now because my girlfriend and I are doing our favorite thing together. Personally I like doing it up and down, while she likes doing it side-to-side r-e-a-l slow... So I’ll get back to you when we finish brushing our teeth.
29.
If practice makes perfect & nobody's perfect, why practice?
30.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
31.
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
32.
Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven't sent one out.
33.
As Long As There Are Tests, There Will Be Prayer In Public Schools.
34.
Actual Headline: Joint Committee Investigates Marijuana Use
35.
Anything you say will be held against you. ... "tits"
36.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
37.
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
38.
To ensure perfect aim, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target
39.
once upon a midnight dreary, while i pron surfed, weak and weary, over many a strange and spurious site of 'hot xxx galore'. While i clicked my fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning, and my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour, " 'Tis not possible!", i muttered, "give me back my free hardcore!"..... quoth the server, 404.
40.
"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music." -- Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989

41.
Notice In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
42.
Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake.
43.
Don't drink and park - accidents cause people.
44.
Solution to two of the world's problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry.
45.
Beware of he who would deny you access to information, for in his heart, he dreams himself your master.
46.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
47.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
48.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
49.
If you don't pray in my school, I won't think in your church.
50.
You know your god is man-made when he hates all the same people you do.
51.
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and is widely regarded as a bad move.
52.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
53.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.
54.
War is God's way of teaching Americans about geography. -- Ambrose Bierce
55.
The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his.
56.
I could've eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay!!
57.
Actual Headline: Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
58.
Love is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important.
59.
life, n.: A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
60.
Evolutionists have proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof.

61.
"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush
62.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity. -- Albert Einstein
63.
Answering Machine Saying: "911 - What is your emergency?"
64.
It isn't homework unless it's due tomorrow.
65.
You never learn anything by doing it right.
66.
Actual Housing Complaint: And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
67.
A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad.
68.
Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority over the other.
69.
What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?
70.
Welcome to Curl Up 'N Dye Hair Salon!
71.
Actual Headline: Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
72.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
73.
If you're not on somebody's shit list, you're not doing anything worthwhile.
74.
Why do our noses run and our feet smell?
75.
Answering Machine Saying: Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
76.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
77.
Politicians, like diapers, have to be changed frequently - and for the very same reason.
78.
Answering Machine Saying: Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
79.
Why do they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken!
80.
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?

81.
Actual Headline: Tiger Woods plays with own balls, Nike says
82.
It Could Be that the Purpose of Your Life is Only to Serve as a Warning to Others.
83.
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
84.
It may look like I'm doing nothing, but I'm actively waiting for my problems to go away.
85.
Answering Machine Saying: This is not an answering machine this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
86.
"Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to greater danger. It works the same in any country." - Hermann Goering (1893 - 1946), 2nd in command of the Third Reich
87.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
88.
I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town.
89.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
90.
Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.
91.
Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.
92.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
93.
When people talk to God, it's called prayer. When God talks back, it's called schizophrenia.
94.
When I hear somebody sigh "Life is hard" I'm always tempted to ask "Compared to what?"
95.
You never truely understand something until you can explain it to your grandmother. --Albert Einstein
96.
It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea.
97.
Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two.
98.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
99.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
100.
Actual Headline: Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

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