The Awful Truth

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We miss the days when all we knew about John Mayer was his songs. Who knew there was such a D-bag-behaving jigaloon behind J.M.'s former curls? Here's Johnny arriving at LAX draped in black from head to toe, looking quelle European while donning one saucy neckerchief and the beginnings of a faux-stache.

Does he think wearing all noir will keep him out of sight of the paps? Or is he being as naive as Jen Aniston? We still can't see what she sees in him besides scoring rival headlines with Angie.

The longer Jenny's with somebody, anybody—even a guy who resembles an international jewel thief—the longer pregnancy rumors can spread out. And every celeb knows that staying coy about being with baby garners the same publicity an Oscar nom does.

Theo Wargo/Getty Images

Madonna's Argentinean fans don't have to cry anymore for her—M's returning to Buenos Aires for her Sticky & Sweet (and Botoxed and Buff) Tour, the first time she'll be in South America since filming Evita in 1995.

Guess the Argentine are still head over heels for their faux Eva Perón, since three more shows have been added for die-hard M fans, and three of the four dates completely sold out. That's the best news Madge could get, no?

Unless, of course, Maddy finds out she's expecting more than a big payday. Last time she was in South America, Ms. Ciccone found out she was pregnant with Lourdes. Should we, and A-Rod, be prepared for another not-so-immaculate conception this time around? Or is being the big 5-0 reason enough for Madge to stick to her skanky sexual ways without worry? I totally vote for the former. You just know it's only a matter of time before that scare starts up, partick with a stud like Roddy baby.

Joe Fury

We're sure Mama Phelps is just thrilled with what her baby boy brought home for Thanksgiving. People reports that Michael Phelps brought his not-so-ladylike girlfriend back to Baltimore to do a meet 'n' greet with the fam. M.P's Sarah Larson-in-training GF, Caroline Pal, is a cocktail waitress at the Palms nightclub, Moon, in Veg-Nasty. Natch, we had to ask a former Phelps flame her thoughts on the whole sitch:

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Madonna making her way to Miami, staying on Star Island. Both A-Rod and former BFF Rosie O'Donnell have living quarters there, but M favored finagling her own damn villa, like she could be anyone's houseguest without driving the host absolutely insane—A-Rod in par-tick. Madge's guitar player Monte Pittman was also seen in Ef-Hell-Ay, at the Martini party atop the Gansevoort. He was wearing a tragic Ed Hardy black jacket—I guess M's style is contagious...or part of his contract?—and boyfriend pulled an Owen Wilson and didn't wash his hands after going. Ew.

Guess Maddy requires her style be adopted by all her employees, on- and offstage. Less smelly elsewhere...

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Fame Pictures

Eva Longoria Parker was spotted out in town puff-puffin' away old pregnancy rumors, which we told you all was kaput last month. Eva-hon, who is usually quite the D.L. smoker, sported a tummy-huggin' vest (trust us, there's no room for forgiveness in those) to debut her much-slimmer waist.

If any of you have been keeping up with Desperate Housewives, which is finally good again this season, then you know that coincidentally ELP's fit figure is being written back into the show. Maybe E-doll really was just getting plump.

She still has that minor double chin, which we won't nitpick too much because we can all get photographed from awkward angles. Or maybe there once was truth to those baby-Parker rumors. Howev, even we don't wanna go down that road, 'cause it's really none of our biz.

Shocker, I know.

We would like to see some tiny Tonys running around soon though, because some genetically gifted gene pool needs to give the mini-Brangelinas a run for their totally and exhaustingly overexposed money.

Britney Spears' MTV doc, a 90-minute pity party thrown for the self-described "sad" pop singer, barely gave us insight into Britters' brain besides regretful clichés, ignoring way too obvious Q's like: What was with the British accent, Brit? Or dating a paparazzi prick? How about all those panty-free shots; were those planned or just an oopsy oversight?

But Sunday's snooze of an interview wasn't B-babe's first foray into televised self-exploitation, doncha know. 'Member her and K-Fed's little-watched (and barely watchable) Britney and Kevin: Chaotic? Sure, trucker-hat-donning B.S. was bonkers back then, videotaping herself and a sketchy dude she barely knew at the time, taking B-12 shots, gorging her face with junk food, her wit best exemplified by her acute observations, such as: "These look like boobs...but they're my knees!"

But damn, if Brit-Brit wasn't enjoying life back then, prolly since she didn't know at the time all that footage would be seen by the public. No need to impress anybody, like she so diligently tried to do in "For the Record"—look how strong I am! Buy my new album, y'all!

Check out our fave Chaotic clip above for a refresher in case you forgot what our darling li'l Spearsy looked like happy.

INFdaily.com

Dear Ted:
Why does Britney Spears say she got married for all the wrong reasons, and then turn around to say she never thought her husband was going to leave her? Does she want us to think that all her problems were caused by him only?
—sweetdetermination

Dear Curious Brit:
Let's face it—this girl still isn't well. I mean, anyone who'd want K-Fed to stay isn't off the crazy train yet.

Dear Ted:
Soon it will be the fourth anniversary of Toothy Tile, the young closeted movie star who wanted to come out at a certain time in his life. I'm not waiting any longer for this to happen. Tell me, does Toothy secretly still have a coming-out wish? Can we expect something to celebrate for his fourth-year anniversary?
—Justwondering

Dear Happy Gayversary:
In order: Hip-hip-homo-hooray! Nor am I. Yes. Getting cemented in the back of the closet work for you?

Dear Ted:
Please, Ted, give us some sanity. I've been reading Reese Witherspoon's quotes about love and marriage, all part of her new movie promotion, of course. Her biggest admission? She's too trusting and loving! Yeah, that's how she got to the top of the Hollywood heap. If she can't be honest can she at least be quiet? Calming down now.
—Patricia

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Bobby Rachpoot, PacificCoastNews.com

If Britney's not bad, she's sad—and making sure you know about it. It's really the same old, same old, right?

Before, when an incorporated, blood-sucking parental figure (Lynne) was in charge, it was all about acting out against mean ol' mom. Now that the court's have intervened and brilliantly observed that neither Lynn, ex hubby K-Fed, nor Brit herself were doing too good a job of minding Brit-Brit, the task has fallen to dad Jamie. Well, that's a big improvement.

On the surface, of course, it is.

But bubbling deep down below are the same old deeply rooted problems (like never being allowed a childhood, being used by parents for cash and prizes, user douchebag lovers, etc.), and B-B's buds assure me even though her abs are fab, her head surely isn't. It's just a quieter, legally sanctioned path to the same old...toxicity, as any fool watching her half closely these days can assess.

As soon as those who truly care about Spears stop treating her like a worldwide commodity is when the true healing begins. And that starts with Brit herself. Low self-esteem, thy name is comeback. Chill and ditch the world for a year, babe. We'd love you even more for it.

Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images for Hollywood Film Festival

Dear Ted:
I strongly disagree with you about every woman wanting to look like Angelina Jolie. She is my age, and she looks way older than I do. Jen should stay 100 percent off the Brangelina topic, because no matter what she says, comes out making her look vulnerable, and she is much prettier when she is happy. Thanks for calling out all the hateful people on the message boards. I was most appalled by the racist and hateful comments made when you reported about Kendra Wilkinson's engagement.
—Ellen

Dear Like It Is:
There's a very thin line between bitching and bashing, and the latter is uglier than what Angie did to Jen.

Dear Ted:
Love your column, who is your favorite person to talk about?
—Jim

Dear Barbara Walters Wannabe:
Whoever the homewrecking slut of the moment is. Lately, it's gotta be my fave lady who can't sing but I adore nonetheless, Madonna.

Dear Ted:
Is Snoop Dogg's daughter really his real daughter? They look nothing alike.
—dorotheamcdonald

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Brandon Davis is best known for his pussy-faced “Firecrotch” rant against Lindsay Lohan with gal-pal Paris, so conveniently caught on tape by the paparazzi. Looks like the oily heir can’t do a douchebag-like activity without it being videotaped. Indeed, B.D. smashed right into a silver BMW in the parking lot of the Viper Room early Monday morning. Dude went straight from a liquor store on Sunset, to hopping into his black Mercedes, backing right into the SUV that belonged to Pink. (Funny, we think of her more of a motorcycle chick.) B.D.’s rep, always at his defense, says, “That is a very dark parking lot.” Tatum O'Neal should add that to her list of eye-rolling excuses.

Brandon, responsibly (and surprisingly) went back in the club to inform Pink of the damages. But could Brand’s behavior just a few hours before have caused the car crash chaos? Check it out…

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Chris Jackson/Getty Images for Atlantis, The Palm

"No, I haven't, unfortunately."

—So glumly replied British babe DJ Mark Ronson, when we asked him if he's recently spent any quality time with his sis Samantha and her hot-tempered amour Lindsay Lohan. Guess SamRo can't afford to see her own fam with a high-maintenance missy like LiLo hanging around her 24/7.

Elisabetta A. Villa/Getty Images

Keanu Reeves showed up to the Rome photo call of his new flick The Day the Earth Stood Still obviously jet-lagged from the transatlantic flight with that vacant expression. Oh wait, this is Keanu—he's always got that empty-headed look, it's his schtick, and all from his Bill and Ted surfer-stud days. We just prefer it without all this über-questionable facial hair engulfing K.R.'s face.

Please, Kean, tell us this blah beard is for a role, as opposed to just laziness. Or maybe you're planning on playing the part of Young Santa come Xmastime?