I am always very saddened when I hear about someone we know separating or getting a divorce. In fact it breaks my heart. Not only do I worry about both parties involved but I also feel horrible for the kids stuck in the middle. I know that often it’s better for parents to separate or divorce rather then put on a happy face for the sake of the children. None the less it’s a very sad when marriages fall apart.
My parents were almost married 50 years. My mom passed away a couple of years before their 50th wedding anniversary. My great grandparents were married around 60 years. These days most marriages barely last a few years, let alone milestones like 10, 25, or 50 years.
Marriage problems are not uncommon. NO MARRIAGE IS PERFECT! My husband and I have a healthy marriage but we do get “miffed” at one another from time to time. I can honestly say we’ve only had one REAL fight in the past 14+ years of marriage. It lasted a few hours. It was probably the only time we yelled at each other. That was about 10 years ago.
Most of the time when we don’t agree with something we tend to just give each other the silent treatment until we calm down then we talk about it. We make it a point to NEVER go to bed angry.
I know a lot of couples who seek out marriage counseling. Marriage counselors are skilled in how to save a marriage. Those I know who have seeked counseling actually end up having better marriages then they did when they first got married. Sometimes all it takes is a third party to step in and mediate a bit and help facilitate constructive conversations rather then shout fests.
There are many things you can do to have a happy and healthy marriage. I think the biggest would be to have an open line of communication. You need to be able share your thoughts, hopes, dreams and fears with one another without feeling like you are going to be judged or criticized. LISTENING is key. Give your partner your undivided attention. Even if you don’t agree with what they are saying you can still be supportive to some degree. Take for example my husband’s desire to buy a town home some day. I rather have a house, however I am willing to explore all options rather then put my foot down and say NO TOWN HOME.
Laughter is also very important. My husband is the funniest person I know. There are plenty of times he has be laughing so hard I am in tears! We make it a point to laugh as often as we can. Even if it’s just over a silly comedy show on TV.
I’m a huge fan of “Date Night”. My husband and I don’t get to go out often because we have no one to babysit the kids for us. I don’t like the idea of leaving my kids with a stranger. I rather leave them with Grandpa and Grandma. They live an hour upstate. Whenever we can we drop the kids off with them for a few hours and go out to dinner, or if we’re lucky dinner and a show at the comedy club.
Sadly our “Date Nights” only happen a couple of times a year. I wish we could move closer to them so we could do it at least once a month.
I used to feel guilty when I left my kids to go out with only my husband until I realized that being alone together is exactly what we needed to feel recharged and reconnected with each other. Personally I feel “renewed”, personally, when my husband and I have a Date Night. I feel like I’m a better ME afterwards.
My husband and I hold hands as often as we can. Even when we are driving in the car we hold hands, or he’ll put his hand on my leg and vice versa (I know… hands should be at 10 and 2 on the steering wheel). When we go for walks we are always holding hands. We also make it a point to touch one another often. Not to sound sick but I do goose his butt from time to time. 🙂 My husband will also stroke my hair while we are watching TV at night. Little things like a stolen kiss here or a shoulder rub there really make a huge difference in a marriage. You need to be physically connected with one another, and I don’t just mean in a sexual way.
Make sure to tell one another that you love them and do it often. You never know if that might be your last chance to say those words or not. We always tell each other I love you. We have this thing we do with our fingers so that we can tell each other I love you. We put up one finger, then four, then three. I (one) love (four) you (three). If we want to say I love you without using words or our fingers we squeeze each other three times (one squeeze for each word). That drives my daughter nuts. We’ll be watching TV at night and out of the blue one of us might say I love you too and my daughter would want to know why we’d say that so randomly. She doesn’t realize that one of us squeezed the other three times. LOL!
You need to give one another space. My husband doesn’t mind if I go out with the girls and I don’t mind if he wants to go hang out with someone. My husband is a home body so he rarely goes out. That is why I compromised in a way and let him enjoy football all day on Sunday. It honestly doesn’t bother me. He loves football and I want him to enjoy something that he loves. I’m totally OK with being a “football widow” during the season. My husband also compromises with things like giving up a game to let me what something on TV that is important to me.
A good marriage has to have trust. You NEED trust! If you don’t trust one another then ther is a serious issue that needs to be addressed and ASAP!
My husband is totally cool with me chatting with male friends on Facebook. He has no reason not to trust me. I have a few single male friends that I talk to often on Facebook that he is totally OK with. He knows they are my friends and he wouldn’t want me to give them up. At the same time I totally trust my husband. He’s gone out to lunch with the ladies at work and I’m OK with that too. Why? Because I trust him. I might not 100% trust the ladies, but I trust him so I know I have nothing to worry about.
Take time to do little things for one another. Even the simplest gesture is appreciated. For example I leave my husband messages on Post It notes in the bathroom, in his lunchbox, in his coat pocket and even on the box of cereal. My husband makes me breakfast in bed. I know my hubby loves Charleston Chew and Nestle Crunch candies. I buy them for him from time to time and hide them in his lunch box, in his car or in his drawers. My husband sends me random messages on Facebook or e-mail telling me that he’s thinking about me. It’s the little things that mean a lot.
You don’t have to shower someone with $$$ gifts. One time I came across a Matchbox (or was it Hot Wheels?) car on Ebay that was the very same kind of toy car that was my husband’s favorite when he was a little boy so I won it and gave it to him for no reason. Not only was he happy to have a favorite toy from his childhood but it also showed him that I listen to him and hear what he’s saying. He told me about the car one day when we were talking about my son’s car collection. I heard him and tucked that information away in my mind until I found a way to use that information to surprise him with the gift.
I could go on and on with tips and suggestions. I’d love to hear from YOU, my readers. What are some words of advice, tips or suggestions you might have that help keep your marriage happy and healthy?
Kimberly
Blommi says
We will be married 10 years this July. I think the fact that we had both experienced a lot of life before getting married helped. Sowed our wild oats so to say 😉
Brandy says
I absolutely love this post. I was drawn in based on the subject matter. I am now divorced, actually a year divorced. When I got married my thought was I didn’t believe in divorce no matter what unless of course harm, abuse, etc was going on. Other than that I was a firm believer in working to make things work. Little did I realize I have spent this past year getting to understand the things that happened with us, and my ex husband did the same. He came to realization that he simply didn’t “see” me anymore. It was so true and since he stopped “seeing” me I stopped “seeing” him and we drifted apart. Now that we are aware of what pushed us apart, we have been dating and actually have talk of maybe getting married on what would have been our four year anniversary in May of this year. Although we won’t do a “real” wedding, more so like getting eloped, I think if he proposes to me (for the first time mind you, since he never proposed before) I would most certainly say YES and we also have spoke about counseling because we know the issues, but seem to lack follow through. It’s like we become “lazy” when together, Lazy with each other …. communication dies on his end and affection dies. Anyways, I know this is a LONG comment but this post really HIT me and I love how you made valid points and a personal touch! You sound like you and your hubs have it figured out, not perfect, but perfect for each other! Have a fab weekend!
Kelley says
I’ll be married 32 years this May… I was 19 and he was 21…the perfect ages to fail, according to Dr. Laura, but we didn’t. We have been 100% faithful to each other and the wedding night was the first time for both of us. It makes a difference.
Deb B says
Thanks for the great post, I have been together with my husband 31 yrs now (married for 27) I agree with you about doing the little things as often as you can it, It helps remind the other that you still care about them & I agree about talking it out if there is a problem, before it becomes a war so to speak. We still hold hands and spend as much time as possible doing things together, he calls me everyday from work or sends text messages through out the day, and we try to do date night as often as we can, we are both homebodies and prefer staying home to going out, I like to surprise him every now & then with special meals I cook that I know he likes and I also stash his favorite candy in places I know he will find them, he loves chocolate so I buy some when I go to the store so he always has a candy bar waiting somewhere for him, he loves that and I love doing it, Sometimes he travels for work so when I pack his suitcase I always include cards & little love notes, I stick them in his socks, his shirt pockets, his pants pockets, I think one trip I put over a 100 little post it notes in just about everything I could think of and he loved it, he tells his co-workers about the things I do and they are envious because their wives just dont do those things anymore, people are amazed when they see us together because we do still act like we did in the beginning, my kids think we are alittle crazy that we talk to each other so much during the day and text each other, they assume we dont need to do these things but I tell them otherwise, doesnt matter how long you’ve been together if you are in love and love your spouse why not show it. I get up with him at 4am or earlier every day, and kiss him goodbye when I see him off in the morning no matter what time it is, dont think we have ever missed a morning yet, ( unless he was traveling) these are just our habits and the way we have lived our lives for over 30 yrs, we dont want to change it and dont plan on changing, I know it doesnt work for everyone, but we both compromise for each other and it works.
Gianna says
We are all very blessed. My husband and I have been together for over 11 years and next month is our 8 year anniversary. We are very strong in our faith. Humor is very big in our daily lives and don’t know what i’d do without laughter.
My husband likes his peanut chews so I buy them in bulk from time to time. My daughter likes to put them in his lunches 🙂