E-Mail from Bristol to Sarah: Take the Money and Run Far Away from Virginia

WARNNG: This e-mail is fictional. The citations are real. Palin’s scheduled appearance at Liberty University in Virginia  is real. However Bristol never sent this e-mail and there was no expectation that Palin would be required to comply with this dress code, or code of conduct. Given her history, it is questionable if Palin will even honor her commitment, as she has shown herself to be reliably unreliable.

March 16, 2011

Re: Appearance at Liberty University

Mom,

I just found out that you are scheduled to speak at the “Extraordinary Women Conference,” which will be on Oct. 7 and 8th. Did you know that the school advertised your appearance by saying:

“Palin is greatly admired by our Liberty University faculty, staff and students for her patriotism and her determination to stand up for what is right despite vicious and unrelenting attacks against her and her family.”

Do they know about your defense of Dr. Laura using the “N” word? Do they know about your “north Korean allies?” The last time you talked with God, did he tell you that this school advertises that is has been involved in “40 Years of Training Champions of Christ”? What if someone at this school REALLY talks to God and he told them what a fraud you are?

It is the largest Christian Evangelical University in the world. If you lie in this speech you might become the victim of an earthquake. Just don’t tell them the story about how Trig was born. The school was founded by Jerry Falwell, Sr.. Majors at the University include: Biblical Studies, Philosophy, Children’s Ministries, Intercultural Studies, Pastoral Leadership, Women’s Ministries, Youth Ministries, Christian Music Artist, Songwriter, Theatre Ministries, and Leadership Worship.

Of course I realize that you might not appear for the event, claiming that there was never a commitment on your part, or that there had been some scheduling conflict.  However if you do plan to show up, what in the world are you planning to wear? What you need to know is that they prohibit almost all of your clothes. I know you are the Empress, and you are used to appearing without your clothes, but I hope by October someone will have convinced you to wear some clothes. If you do, be aware that:

1. Women are required to wear suits that are profession in cut, style, and color. This suit might not be acceptable.

2. Skirts must be at or just above the knees. This skit might not be acceptable.

3. Sweaters are not acceptable. This one would be bad.

4. Shoes should be polished and in good condition. These probably aren’t supposed to be polished.

5. Exhibition of any “non-traditional” jewelry. This jewelry would probably not be acceptable.

6. Hairstyles must be appropriate fashion for a professional look. This one would only be appropriate for a professional comedian appearing in the Cone-head episode of SNL.

7. Hats are prohibited.

The Disciplinary Code for the University will present the greatest challenge for you. It provides:

“ Among the behaviors and attitudes that call for serious discipline are things like drunkenness, sexual immorality, divisiveness, greed, laziness, lack of gratitude, lack of love, and refusal to forgive. Sharp rebukes, and even expulsion from the community are sometimes necessary.” They prohibit abortion, illegal drugs, immorality, “involvement” with witchcraft, life-threatening behavior. Think about it…you are in big trouble.

Drunkenness-Dad has a DWI.

Sexual immorality – You’ve had an affair, Dad’s been with prostitutes, I’ve had a child out of wedlock

Divisiveness-I bet your endorsement of Joe Miller would qualify as “divisive.”

Greed – You know you always charge those non-profits that are trying to raise money for “special needs” kids.

Laziness – you quit your job as Governor, you quit you job as Oil & Gas Commissioner, and when you were going to work you often came home by 3:00 to watch soaps.

Lack of gratitude – You know you never say “thank you” and you never tip well.

Lack of Love – You always leave Dad and Trig.

Refusal to forgive – Everyone in the country seems to know about your vendetta against Murkowski.

“Sharp rebukes” are prohibited so you can’t criticize President Obama. If you can’t do that, and you can’t tell the Trig story, what would you talk about?

Abortion – Lynn Vincent your ghost writer for Going Rogue, and Star Parker the lady in California you endorsed, have both admitted to having abortions.

Illegal Drugs – You admitted to using them to Lorenzo Bennett when he was interviewing you for Trailblazer.

“Involvement” in witchcraft- You endorsed Christine O’Donnell.

Life-threatening Behavior – If the Arizona shootings don’t qualify, what would?

Finally all the students there are required to live a “chaste” life. Do they know you were pregnant when you and Dad were married? Just make sure the student book store is “out of stock”  for Trailblazer.

The good news for you is that it looks like the Liberty University Student Disciplinary Code is only a money-making tool for the school. You can get 30 Reprimands and you only have to pay a $500.00 fine. Maybe you could just list that in your contract as an expense they have to cover.

Gotta go. Hav ta interview a nu babysitter. I fired the last one. He was recommended by the Pope, and if you can’t trust the Pope, who can you trust?

Good Luck with Liberty!