Kentucky! Motto: Oh Crap, We Are That Stupid

We're coming to you today from the Be Careful What You Ask For Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. BCWYAF is a division of the Ignorance Is Bliss Corporation in partnership with What You Don't Know Won't Embarrass You, NA.

It seems the legislators in Kentucky decided one fine day that it would be a good idea to show those elitist pinhead intellectuals that had been pointing and laughing at Kentucky since the governor got snookered by that bible salesman  that the state had a world class educational system.

So how'd that work out for you?

Kentucky's Senate Republicans pushed successfully in 2009 to tie the state's testing program to national education standards, but three years later, they're questioning the results. "Turns out our kids are clueless as a frog in a milk pail," said Sen. David Givens, R-Greensburg.

Several GOP lawmakers questioned new proposed student standards and tests that delve deeply into biological evolution. "We're educating our children for 21st century careers here," said one republican aide who asked not to be identified because she didn't want her family to know she worked in the legislature. "Show me the Quickie Mart employee or the MacDonalds night manager who delves 'deeply into biological evolution' and I'll show you somebody that moved here from Ohio."

"I think we are very committed to being able to take Kentucky students and put them on a report card beside students across the nation," Givens said. "We're simply saying to the ACT people we don't want what is a theory to be taught as a fact in such a way it may damage students' ability to do critical thinking because the last thing we want them to be doing is examining scientific evidence when the bible just tells them what to believe."

Givens said he asked the ACT representatives about possibly returning to a test personalized for Kentucky, but he was told that option was very expensive and time-consuming because of all the research necessary in trying to figure out what a person living in the late 1700's would have known.

ACT vice president Ginger Hopkins, who appeared at Monday's meeting, did not immediately return calls seeking comment Tuesday but a spokesperson for his office explained that Kentucky shouldn't feel too badly. "At least they're not Louisiana," he said.

Another committee member, Rep. Ben Waide, R-Madisonville, said he had a problem with evolution being an important part of biology standards. "The theory of evolution is a theory, and essentially the theory of evolution is not science — Darwin made it up," Waide said. "My objection is they should ensure whatever scientific material is being put forth as a standard should at least stand up to scientific method. Under the most rudimentary, basic scientific examination, the theory of evolution has never stood up to scientific scrutiny."

Eds note: We present the above quote for you in its entirely and wholly unchanged, because try as we might we couldn't make it any more stupid. For those of you wondering where Representative Ben got his degree in biology, it was from the University of Louisville, where they call a PhD  in biology a  BA in Health Science. Tomato, tomahto.

Givens said he was satisfied with the response by ACT officials and state Education Commissioner Terry Holliday that evolution was being taught as a theory. "I think the key is we could debate the science of this as long as we don't pay attention to the science, but we hope our kids understand the theories behind evolution," he said. "We think our kids need to be critical thinkers to be able to reason between the two, then pick the bible because we tell them to."

The proposed science standards would require students to complete such tasks as: Differentiate among chemical evolution, organic evolution and the evolutionary steps along the way to aerobic heterotrophs and photosynthetic autotrophs. "See, that's devil talk right there," Waide said. "Ain't none of them words in the bible."

Vincent Cassone, chairman of the University of Kentucky biology department, served on the committee that developed the standards also suggested that a test of basic scientific literacy be developed for legislators, but the idea was vetoed by the governor who feared setting a precedent of competence. "We make laws affecting education," he said in a statement, "No where is it stated that we have to be educated."

Florida! The Best Education The18th Century Can Provide

We're coming to you today from the Get It Through Your Thick Head Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. GITYTH is a wholly owned subsidy of the What Part Of No Don't You Understand Corporation in partnership with When Donkeys Fly, Inc.

Now, this isn't the first time we've had to do this, so we'd appreciate it is you'd put down your Jesus action figure and PAY ATTENTION!!!1!! First, do the words Dover, Pennsylvania mean anything? You remember. It was in all the papers. Well, except for the papers in Kansas and Texas apparently, but no matter, the point is the general populace, and particularly the judicial system is not impressed by the voices inside your head.

To some Floridians, introducing the word ''evolution'' into state science-education standards would be a needed step into the 21st century. Others urged state education officials to give other theories of the origin of life equal space and let students decide what to believe "because everyone knows that 14 year olds are excellent decision makers," said one parent of a girl who appeared to be about six months pregnant.

The proposed standards contain instructions on how evolution should be taught, beginning in kindergarten. The draft declares: "Evolution is the fundamental concept underlying all of biology and is supported by multiple forms of scientific evidence.''

"What are you going to believe?" asked a parent. "The evidence of science or what it says in the bible? God put all that stuff on earth to test our faith."

''Do we want Florida to be the laughingstock of the United States, like Tennessee was at one time, because we teach creationism alongside evolution?'' asked J. Alan Beech, 80, who teaches at Miami Dade College's north campus.

"People have laughed at me all my life, responded West Palm Beach parent Laura Lopez, who wore a shirt saying ''Don't Condone What God Condemns. "People's own belief doesn't negate the reality that the earth was created by God,'' she said.

When it was pointed out that she may have that backwards because religion was about belief and science was about reality she said it really didn't matter which way it goes "as long as I don't have to think about it too much. I get headaches.".

Oscar Howard Jr., superintendent of the 3,300-student Taylor County Public Schools near Tallahassee, drove nine hours to speak against the new standards. His district's five-member school board had unanimously voted to oppose them about a month ago. ''We do not believe that evolution is a fact,'' he said. "It should be taught as a theory along with other theories.''

When it was pointed out that evolution was taught as a theory, a scientific theory based on facts Howard replied that he didn't want to be confused by "all that high falutin' educational stuff" and "neither do students."

In the past few months, thousands have commented on the proposed standards on a state website. The vast majority of comments have favored the teaching of evolution. "That's just because a lot of us don't write so good," said Ms. Lopez.

Debate in Florida echoes that in Texas, which is preparing a similar revision of its science-education standards. And it also reflects a nationwide split: A Gallup Poll in June showed that 53 percent of Americans questioned believe in evolution, while 44 percent do not.

OK, maybe there is a problem with schools in this country.

Well, I'll Be A Monkey's Uncle. Wait, No I Won't

Some people just don't have enough to do. Apparently these people run for positions on school boards.

A majority of Polk County School Board members say they support teaching intelligent design in addition to evolution in public schools. They also support bleeding to cure disease, wearing blue beads to defend against the evil eye, and talking to flowers.

Apparently they don't have a PBS station in Polk County.

Board members Tim Harris, Margaret Lofton and Hazel Sellers said they oppose proposed science standards for Florida schools that lists evolution and biological diversity as one of the "big ideas" that students need to know for a well-grounded science education. "Give the young'uns too much a that book learnin' and they get all uppity," said Harris.

"Sides, ain't no Yankee activist judge gonna tell me what to teach my kids," added Lofton.

Board member Kay Fields said last week she wants intelligent design, which is promoted by some Christian groups, taught in science classes in addition to evolution. "I want to make very clear that just because christian groups want ID taught doesn't mean it's disguised religion," she told reporters. It's also just coincidence that the required text is the bible."

The board's majority opinion is at odds with Florida's scientific community, as well as people not on psychotropic drugs who strongly support the new, more rigorous science standards, and say intelligent design lacks scientific credibility. "What's so important about 'scientific credibility?'" asked Sellers. "We got too much credibility in schools today. We got a credibility problem. I say we need more blind faith. God, I loved that band."

Eds note: Must...resist...left...turn...

"If it ever comes to the board for a vote, I will vote against the teaching of evolution as part of the science curriculum," Lofton said. "I will also vote against the passage of time, clothing stores without a plus size department and cockroaches."

Despite the Dover case, some school board members want both intelligent design and evolution taught in Polk schools. They say they have received numerous e-mails and phone calls in support of intelligent design. "Well, I think they were in support. It was hard to tell sometimes with all the spelling and grammar mistakes," Fields said.

It's unclear how the opposition by the School Board will pan out if the new standards are adopted by the state. "Independent Republic of Polkistan, that's all I'm saying," Sellers told reporters.

Board members Frank O'Reilly and Brenda Reddout said they were unwilling to endorse intelligent design over evolution. "Using the high school pool for baptisms is also problematic for me," O'Reilly said.

"I agree, and I think we should stick to Spanish and French in our language classes and not add Speaking in Tongues as well," Reddout added.

Board member Lori Cunningham said she hasn't made up her mind. "Nobody told me I'd have to make decisions when I ran for this job," she said. "I just wanted to get back at Mr. Jessup who flunked me in ninth grade algebra. I'm coming for you jerky Jessup."

The School Board could discuss the issue at its regular meeting. "Well, if I don't get possessed by the holy spirit," Fields said. "That tends to happen a lot when we start talking about something I don't like."

"Yeah. She goes all spazzy and starts flopping around on the floor like a fish out of water," Reddout added. "Fun to watch, but we don't get much done."

"My tendency would be to have both sides shared with students since neither side can be proven," Tim Harris said. When it was pointed out to Harris that the Theory of Gravity also can't be "proven" he responded, "You mean I could fly if I just believe?"

"I don't have a conflict with intelligent design versus evolution," Sellers said. "The two go together. Hey, anybody want to share my sardine and peanut butter sandwich? It's got ketchup on it."

If the standards are adopted, local school boards in opposition will have the option of going to court, School Board Attorney Wes Bridges said.

"If the board has difficulty with the result, we will have to assess what their options may be," Bridges said. "From time to time, they are asked to do things that they don't want to do."

"Yeah. Like live in the real world," O'Reilly said.

"I heard that, heathen," Fields said. "I think I feel an attack of the holy spirit coming on."

"Well, just don't pee yourself this time," Reddout said.

In a related story, the number of parents homeschooling their children have more than doubled in Polk county since the election.

Texas! Motto: When Kansas Gets Too Progressive

We're coming to you today from the Science Wing here in the marbled halls of IM Central. Well, actually it's the hall closet, but we're pretty sure there's something going on in that old pair of Nikes we threw in here back in July. Suggestion for all you kids looking for a science project: Wet sneakers, dark room.

But we digress. Actually the topic of today's presentation is evolution, or in the case of Texas, lack of evolution.

After 27 years as a science teacher and 9 years as the Texas Education Agency’s director of science, Christine Castillo Comer said she did not think she had to remain “neutral” about teaching the theory of evolution. "I got the memo last month that said the Texas legislature had approved the theory of gravity, so I just assumed. My bad," she told reporters.

But now Ms. Comer is out of a job, after forwarding an e-mail message on a talk about evolution and creationism. "We don't like it when people talk about things," said Lizzette Reynolds, deputy commissioner for statewide policy and programs. "That's how ideas spread."

Ms. Comer said that she was called in and informed that Reynolds had seen a copy and complained, calling it “an offense that calls for termination. Or as the godless evolutionists would say, extinction.”

Ms. Comer said she had no idea how Ms. Reynolds, a former federal education official who served as associate wacko to George W. Bush when he was pretending to be governor of Texas, had seen the message so quickly, and remembered thinking, “What is this, the thought police or what?”

"Uh, yeah?," Reynolds responded.

Debbie Ratcliffe, a spokeswoman for the state’s education agency, said Ms. Comer “resigned. She wasn’t fired. We told her she wanted to spend more time with her family.”

Her departure, which has stirred dismay among science professionals is a prelude to an expected battle early next year over rewriting the state’s science education standards. "Well, rewriting is a loaded word," Ratcliffe said. "Actually we're just planning to recopy standards we used before. In 1840."

“Our job,” Ms. Ratcliffe added, “is to enact laws and regulations that are passed by the Legislature or the State Board of Education and not to inject personal opinions and beliefs.” When asked whose 'personal opinions and beliefs' Ms Comer had injected, Ratcliffe replied, "Why Darwin's of course. He wasn't even an American. Did you know that?"

Ms. Comer disputed that characterization in a series of interviews, her first extensive comments. She acknowledged forwarding to a local online community an e-mail message from the National Center for Science Education, a pro-evolution group. "OK, let me stop you right there," Ratcliffe said. "Our first question to Ms. Comer was what was she doing associating with a known radical group like the National Center for Science Education. Do you know that organization is full of scientists?"

Ms. Comer said state education officials seemed uneasy lately over the required evolution curriculum. "I think it all started the day Don McLeroy, a dentist and Sunday School teacher showed up in a monkey suit started flinging feces at the board members. Afterwards I was asked several times if there was an opt out clause in Darwin's theory."

Several months ago, in response to an inquiry letter, Ms. Comer said she was instructed to strike her usual statement about the board’s support for teaching evolution and to quote instead the exact language of the high school biology standards as formulated for the Texas Essential Knowledge and Skills test which says in part "We're sorry to have to keep teaching Satan's way. Soon we will drive the nonbelievers out and get back to instructing students in blind obedience to authority."

Ms. Comer said that Tom Shindell, director for organizational development, had told her to resign or be terminated for a series of unauthorized presentations at professional meetings and other reported transgressions. "He wanted to know what I, a representative of the state education agency, was doing going to conferences on education and giving talks about educational policy," Comer told reporters.

If We Are All Descended From Apes, Why Are There Still Politicians?

We're coming to you today from the Ominous Portents Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. We say ominous because, on the heels of the last election (Reality won, 5 -4 in overtime) we read that Kansas (Motto: We're not apes. Yes we are. No we're not. LALALALA I can't hear you) has returned to the twentieth century. A sudden reconnection with rationality in this country does not bode well for this blog.

Now controlled by sensible human beings, the Kansas Board of Education wasted little time in beginning the repeal of science curriculum standards written by the ladies auxiliary at the First Church of Christ the Chemist. Reformed. "You think the stuff on evolution was bad," said a Board spokesperson, "You should have seen what they were planning for gravity."

But try as they might, board members aren’t likely to end Kansas’ long-lived debate over what to teach children about the origins of human life. Even as the board’s majority agreed to revisit the debate, residents with temporary visas to reality urged the board to leave the standards alone. “Evolution as it’s taught today is bad science,” said Doug Kaufman of Leavenworth. “It’s unprovable.”

When it was explained to Mr. Kaufman that science wasn't designed to be "provable," he replied, "You can't prove that."

The proposed changes would strip out language critical of evolution as well as a definition of science that would allow supernatural explanations. "We didn't think the Holy Ghost was an appropriate scientific role model," said board member Janet Waugh of Kansas City.

Supporters of the current standards repeated their argument that evolution is uncomfortable to them and that it can bias children against accepting things without question. "We have got to get over this obsession with teaching children to think," said Mr. Kaufman. "Nobody ever taught me to think, and I turned out just fine."

This will be the second time moderates on the board have acted to repeal standards passed by conservatives that cast doubt on evolution. "Yeah. We were hoping to get the Apocalypse in before this election," said Mr. Kaufman.

The board also discussed tactics for combating teacher shortages.

"Teacher shortages?" No why on earth would a teacher, particularly a science teacher, not want to work in Kansas?

"Intelligent" Design. Like Our Strategy In Iraq

Hmmm...So president C student has waded in to the evolution debate huh? Well, who are we to cast aspirations on Dick Cheney's pool boy. After all, he's not a scientist himself, he has people who take care of those things for him.

Or maybe not.

Well, so what? When has not knowing what he was talking about ever stopped him? In a question-and-answer session, Bush endorsed efforts by Christian conservatives to give intelligent design equal standing with the theory of evolution.

When asked if he was aware that intelligent design actually wasn't a scientific theory, but a reaction to the theory of evolution, Bush said he wasn't sure about all that "egg head stuff," but felt sure if scientists would just "get a life instead of looking at all those test tubes and such" they would come around to his position.

"I saw those guys when I was in college," he said. "Always at the library and doing homework and stuff. I used to wonder what the heck they were doing in college in the first place. Then someone told me they didn't have rich daddys with lots of connections. That's when I started making fun of them."

Bush compared the current debate to earlier disputes over "creationism," a related view that adheres more closely to biblical explanations. As governor of Texas, Bush said students should be exposed to both creationism and evolution. "I don't know why they changed the name," he said. "Intelligent Design has too many cymbals for me."

"I think that the role of education is to expose people to proper schools of thought," Bush said. "You're asking me whether or not people ought to be taught only approved ideas, the answer is yes."

When asked why students couldn't be exposed to scientific thought in science classes and religious thought in literature, sociology or theology classes Bush responded that science was "too important" because "it's all about truth and stuff. Who cares about poetry, or what's that other thing you said, scientology?"

Bush directed further questions to the Discovery Institute, the leading proponent for intelligent design, which has compiled a list of more than 70 biologists, who are skeptical about evolution. When asked if he was aware that there are over 60,000 biologists in the country Bush responded that the numbers didn't really matter, because "that's just more of that science stuff that we're trying to get rid of anyway."

Bush didn't seem eager to talk about the topic. "Laura picks all my books for me," he said. "And she mostly reads them for me too, except I don't have to pay her like I did in college."

Scope It Out

About the only thing that could bring us out of a fog in biology class was the phrase "secondary sex characteristics." Well, that and coming up with another excuse to talk to Barbara Bennit. Ah, Barbara. Now that's a story. Unfortunately one with a sad ending.

We tell you this to establish our credentials in the ongoing debate over evolution that is taking place in 19 states. Yes 19, and we know what you're thinking, but they're not all in the south. One is Minnesota (Motto: Our state begins with the same letter as Mississippi and Moron) Actually it seems credentials are not a prerequisite, which makes this a perfect subject for us.

The battle, it seems, has recently gotten more heated as creationist groups, taking their inspiration from the president, have become more vocal. The president mentioned one day that the the jury is still out on evolution. This is the same president who claims that there is no global warming, air pollution is harmless if you're rich and you can find your way out of a forest by looking at what side of a tree the moss grows on.

Well, what he actually said was, "I know I can't be descended from a monkey because I don't like bananas. Never have." That would be progress, Southern Baptist minister Terry Fox said, because "most people in Kansas don't think we came from monkeys." He went on to explain that most people in Kansas thought they came from Illinois, but weren't really sure because it was really foggy that night and they weren't driving anyway.

"What we would like to foment is a civil discussion about science," said Stephen C. Meyer, who believes evolution alone cannot explain life. "And when we've given equal time to the evolutionists so that they may speak and we may identify them, WE'LL ROUND THEM UP LIKE THE DOGS THEY ARE AND SHIP THEM TO CAMPS IN ALASKA AND THEN THEY CAN TALK ABOUT THE DEVIL ALL THEY WANT AND PARTICIPATE IN THEIR BLASPHEMOUS SCIENCE UNTIL THEY DIE AND THEIR SOULS BURN IN THE ENDLESS LAKES OF HELLFIRE THAT AWAIT THEM. AND THOSE FEMINISTS TOO! I'm sorry. Did I say that out loud?"

Bypassing the work of a 26-member science standards committee, the Kansas board of education's conservative majority recently announced a series of "scientific hearings" to discuss evolution and its critics. "But we don't need those gosh darn scientists getting in our way," said the board's chairman, Steve Abrams. He is seeking ways for students to "critically analyze" the evidence without being swayed by all that "fossil this and strata that and carbon dating the other thing."

Fox, pastor of the largest Southern Baptist church in the Midwest said, "If you can cause enough doubt on evolution, liberalism will die. Oops. I mean then we'll have a free and open conversation in this country. Yeah. That's the ticket."

Now We Know Why Biologists Shouldn't Be Home Schooled

OK, full disclosure. As denizens of the educorporate training facility in our neighborhood we would occasionally...how to say this politely...engage in a little one sided jocularity at the expense the local population of students for whom science class was the highlight of the day.

What the kids today call...um...nerds we believe. Yes, our local contact informs us that nerds is the preferred term. Well, not among the nerds of course, but hey, when your name is Henry Botando, you have red hair and you solve calculus problems in your head, it's not like you have a lot of pull is it...Piggy? You think you can speak? You think you can, four eyes? And you Jack, you couldn't even kill the piglet, what right to you have to the knife? Because you can sing? Fat lot of good that does us. Look around you boys, I say. Who is your rightful leader? Who is the strong one? Who doesn't hesitate? Who is...

Sorry. Having a bit of a flashback. Where were we?

Oh yeah, Nathaniel Abraham.

Nathaniel Abraham filed a lawsuit in US District Court in Boston saying that the prestigious Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution dissed him in 2004 because of his Christian belief that the Bible is god's big book of facts. "How was I to know the building was full of scientists," Abraham said. "I just liked the pretty fishys."

Abraham, who is seeking $500,000 in compensation for a violation of his civil rights, says
that he lost his job as a postdoctoral researcher in a biology lab shortly after he told his superior that he did not accept evolution as scientific fact. "Well, in my defense I have to say I was working in the biology lab," Abraham told reporters. "I didn't think it would be that big of a deal."

Woods Hole officials released a statement saying, "The Institution firmly believes that its actions and those of its employees concerning Dr. Abraham were entirely lawful," and that the center does not discriminate on the basis of religion. Later an official from Woods Hole admitted that the fact that Dr. Abraham's degree came from the Face of Jesus in Your Toast College and Cafe "should have been a clue."

In a 2004 letter to Abraham, his boss, Woods Hole senior scientist Mark E. Hahn, wrote that Abraham said he did not want to work on "things that are, like all sciency and stuff" of the National Institutes of Health grant for which he was hired, even though the project clearly required scientists to use the principles of evolution in their analyses and writing. "Well, no job is perfect," Abraham said.

When asked to explore why zebrafish mutants that lack notochords exhibit relatively normal neural development, including differentiation of floor plate and motoneurons, Abraham's eventual report stated that it was due to the fact that "Jesus watches over the little sparrows just like he watches over you and me."

"It wasn't something we felt was up to the standards of Woods Hole," Hahn said.

"Was it because I didn't mention the fish?" Abraham asked. "I probably should have mentioned the fish."

Abraham did not return a telephone call seeking comment because telephones aren't mentioned in the bible. He now works at Liberty University, a Christian Profit Center in Lynchburg, Va., founded by the Reverend Jerry Falwell, who recently evolved into a dead person. "We understand he's researching whether Adam and Eve would have been able to tame the dinosaurs after the fall," Hahn told reporters.

The lawsuit is the latest in a series of cases pitting creationists against scientists in academic settings, or what people are calling Smackdown in Monkey town. Last year, a University of Rhode Island student was awarded a doctorate in geosciences despite opposition after it became known that he was a creationist. "People ask me how I could get through a whole program in geosciences and not learn anything at all," the student said. "Easy. Just listen to the voices in my head instead of the professor"

Earlier this year, an Iowa State University astronomer claimed he was denied tenure because he did not believe in evolution. "Well, that and the fact that he believed the stars were god's dandruff," said a university representative.

"It is inconceivable that someone working in developmental biology at a major research institution would not be expected to deal intimately with evolution," Eugenie C. Scott, executive director for the National Center for Science Education said. "A flight school hiring instructors wouldn't ask whether they accepted that the earth was spherical; they would assume it."

Oh Great. Now we've got another reason to be afraid to fly.

"Woods Hole would have assumed that someone hired to work in developmental biology would accept that evolution occurred. It's part and parcel of the science these days," she said.

"Oh. You wanted me to do Science," Abraham said. "Well, why didn't you say so? Sorry can't do that stuff. $500,000 please."

Later that day, unidentified assailants pushed Abraham into the girl's bathroom..

We Haven't Evolved. Why Should Our Kids?

You know, here in the marbled halls of IM Central we're usually pretty understanding of the foibles of our fellow shufflers about this mortal coil. One reason being we have quite a collection of foibles ourselves. You really have to stop by and see it sometime, it's very impressive. We're talking medical textbook chapter impressive.

But we digress. Our point today is that there is a limit to our understanding when it comes to politicians who espouse to the public that they are knowledgeable and capable enough to be given the responsibility of doing the people's business, and yet will stand on any street corner and argue with passersby that The Flintstones was a documentary. We speak, of course, about Florida. Regular readers of this blog accept the soft bigotry of low expectations...erm...we mean know that we have discussed Florida before. On several occasions. And yet, and yet...

Amid much controversy a year ago, the Florida Board of Education approved new standards that, much like other schools that take seriously their charge to prepare children to live in the 21st century, require public schools to teach that the scientific theory of evolution is the foundation of all biological science.

But don't think that battle is over. Not even close. Not while there's a breath left in those individuals, who, for some reason feel it's their god given right to assure that the next generation is just as stupid as they are. Must be a family values thing.

State Sen. Stephen Wise (not Wise), a Jacksonville Republican, said he plans to introduce a bill to require teachers who teach evolution to also discuss the idea of intelligent design. "Do I look like a monkey to you?" Wise (not Wise) asked reporters at the press conference announcing his bill. "Where do scientists get off telling us where we came from? There are no scientists mentioned in the bible."

Wise (not Wise), the chief sponsor of the bill, expects the Senate to take it up when it meets in March. He said its intent is simple: "If you're going to teach evolution, then you have to teach the other side so you can have critical thinking." When asked how students could develop critical thinking skills when they were asked to take Intelligent Design on faith, Wise (not Wise) replied that he hadn't thought about that, and the reporter who asked was being "overly critical" anyway.

Wise (not Wise) said that if the Legislature passes the bill, he wouldn't be surprised if there's a legal challenge. "Someplace along the line you've got to be able to make a value judgment of what it is you think is the appropriate thing." When asked if that wasn't exactly what the courts had been doing when they continually ruled against teaching creationism in science classrooms, regardless of what it was called, Wise (not) replied that "activist judges have ignored the bible in their rulings for far too long."

Wise (not) acknowledges it's a controversial subject. "I got a lot of hate mail last year," he said. "You'd think I'd never gone to school, that I was Cro-Magnon man, that I just got out of a cave or something. Well, I'm here to tell you folks, I am not Cro-Magnon. Homo Rudolfensis maybe, or perhaps a little Homo Cepranensis, but Cro-Magnon? No way."

What would you say to Homo Doofus?

"The thing we learned last year is that, No. 1, we must keep the discussion scientific." Rep. Alan Hays, a Republican from Umatilla said. "We want the students to know that the theory of evolution is only a theory, it has never ever been scientifically proven, and it should be accepted as that. Of course, for over 150 years evidence collected from fossils to microbes has supported the theory whereas the ID folks occasionally see the face of Jesus in their toast, but that's a minor detail."

Hays traveled to Virginia for a symposium at Liberty University School of Law on "Intelligent Design and Public School Curriculum." He was to be a guest speaker, discussing the legislative side of the issue. Hays said part of his beliefs come from his training as a dentist.

Or his addiction to laughing gas. One or the other, right Representative Wise (not Wise)?

Louisiana! Motto: Ain't No Monkeys In The Bible

You know, we think the folks in Louisiana might be on to something. We mean, you look around the average classroom today and what do you see? Bored students. Now some might think this is because of a curriculum disconnected from anything that has meaning in their lives; over emphasis on discrete recall high stakes tests, and the current pedagogical assumption that students are all identical empty vessels onto which educational technicians attach information as they roll down the educorporate assembly line.

Nope. That's not it. See the deep thinkers in Louisiana have figured out that when a student opens a math book, what do they see? Math. Open a history book, get history. Bore. Ing. So what they'd like to do is make it so when students open a science book they get...Jesus!

Cement headed religious busy bodies contend some biology I, biology II and other school books under scrutiny  for public classrooms put too much credence in Charles Darwin’s theory of evolution. "Well of course since science books are written by scientists they're going to have a bias," said Winston White, of Baton Rouge. "all that experiment this and data that makes it tough for those of us home schooled all the way to the sixth grade to get some of that, what did you call it? Credence stuff. Yeah. Give us our credence too. This is America and we've got as much right to credence as that Darwin feller."

“It is like Charles Darwin and his theory is a saint,” said White, who apparently didn't learn evolutionary theory or verb subject agreement. "What about our saints? Don't they deserve equal time?"

Darrell White, who is the father of Winston White and is  co-founder of the Louisiana Family Forum, said the proposed biology textbooks he reviewed fail to meet the thinly veiled attempts at pushing religion into public school classrooms spelled out in a 2009 law aimed at confusing classroom talks on the theory of evolution. "The Louisiana legislature said it was OK for us to take this state back to the 1800's so that we could adequately prepare our young people to live in the 21st century." he told reporters. "All we're saying is let's get started."

“If this was a beauty contest, we have got all ugly contestants in these biology textbooks,” White said.

OK, let's see if we've got this straight We shouldn't learn about evolution because Darwin is a saint. An ugly saint. Now, he might have something there. After all, if they canonized Scarlett Johansson we'd pretty much believe anything she told us even if she wasn't canonized, but that's probably why no one ever asks us to be on textbook approval committees.

In written comments to state officials, David Mathers, of West Monroe, said he would “like to see intelligent design explained as an alternate theory to the theory of evolution. I'd also like to see donkeys fly, democrats stand up for their beliefs and the Cubs win the pennant.”

Now, see it's that explaining that is really a drawback for us," White said. "Once you get past 'because the bible says so' we really don't have much."

We feel your pain Mr. White. What if you got Scarlett Johansson to say because the bible says so?

Uh oh

Regular readers of this blog (Hi Mom. Thanks for the cookies.) will recall that we have opined on the great evolution/magical mystery maker debate on several occasions. Most notably here, here and here. Well, OK, so it isn't so much a debate as one side stamping their feet and yelling, "Listen to us! We don't want to be no monkeys!" but we're feeling particularly magnanimous today, and not so hung over, so we'll go with debate.

Our survey of the arguments put forth by those who favor a more, shall we say, bonkazoid explanation for the development of us homos (and we mean that in the purely scientific sense) have long pointed to the fact that people who call themselves "scientists" (just because they have all those fancy degrees and stuff) have been unable to produce a creature that lived between fins and feet.

Well, until now anyway.

Scientists have caught a fossil fish in the act of adapting toward a life on land, a discovery that sheds new light one of the greatest transformations in the history of animals. The good Doctor Myers explains what all this means. We didn't understand all of it, but we think we could make a neat drinking game out of trying to say Tiktaalik roseae, Panderichthys, and Ichthyostega.

In response to the article, Mr. Giuseppe Sermonti, a staff member at the Discovery Institute and Prayer Parlor, long known for his tightly reasoned and well thought out critiques of evolution, told reporters that paleontologist Neil Shubin of the University of Chicago, one of the fossil discoverers, is an "Ugly faced poopy head with scientist cooties." (We think it's totally righteous that this guy has "Sermon" in his name.)

Dr. William Dembski, is the Carl F. H. Henry Professor of Science and Not Science at Southern Seminary in Louisville, KY. (We know what you're thinking, but "Dumbski?" That's too easy, even for us.) When told of the fossil he put his hands over his ears and said, "LALALALALALALA, I CAN'T HEAR YOU."

Experts said the discovery, with its unusually well-preserved and complete skeletons, reveals significant new information about how the water-to-land evolution took place. "It's an important new contribution to (understanding) a very, very important transition in the history of life," said Robert Carroll of McGill University in Montreal.

"No it's not," said the Discovery Institute's Jonathan Witt. When asked to explain the Institute's position he sang "Ain't no monkey, this I know 'cause the Bible tells me so." (Yeah, yeah "Witt-less," but where's the challenge?)

"Here's a creature that has a fin that can do push-ups," Dr. Shubin said. "This is clearly an animal that is able to support itself on the ground," probably both in very shallow water and for brief excursions on dry land. On land, it apparently moved like a seal, he said.

"No it didn't," countered Mr. Sermonti.

Unlike other fish, it could move its head independently of its shoulders like a land animal. The back of its head also had features like those of land-dwellers. It probably had lungs as well as gills, and it had overlapping ribs that could be used to support the body against gravity, Shubin said.

"No way," responded Dr. Dembski.

The creature's jaws and snout were still very fish like, showing that "evolution proceeds slowly; it proceeds in a mosaic pattern with some elements changing while others stay the same," Ted Daeschler of the Academy of Natural Sciences in Philadelphia said.

"Nuh uh," replied Mr. Witt.

"Knowing about the transition from fish to land-dweller might help us to unravel why it happened at all. Why did creatures come out of the water and get legs and walk away?" said Jennifer Clack of Cambridge University,

"Well, isn't that obvious?" asked Dr. Dembski. "The Lord...er...Creator...er...Designer clearly created this fossil as a test to see if we would follow the empty dictates of experimental science in an attempt to explain our natural world, or just believe what we're told."

Shubin said the researchers plan to return to the small rocky outcropping that yielded the fossils and recover more material. "We've really only begun to sort of crack that spot," he said.

"We'll be visiting that site too," said Mr. Sermonti. "In the spirit of open discourse and scientific debate we plan to throw water balloons at the them and chant Bible verses."

Good News: Never Get Shoved Into The Girl's Bathroom

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know that entropy is the master of us all on this long, desultory slide to heat death...er...we mean know that we do what passes for work to earn what passes for our salary deep in the bowels of the local educorporate training complex. By way of full disclosure this means that our views on homeschooling might be somewhat skewed by our career choice, but then most of our other views are somewhat skewed by copious amounts of Stolichnaya, so tomato tomahto.

OK, all that being said we've pretty much concluded over the years that homeschooling is like any other kind of schooling in that there are good home schools and bad ones. Home schools have certain advantages over regular schools (can go to class in your pajamas) and certain disadvantages (dog ate my homework gambit not an option), so when we read about the plight of poor Mrs. Mule it occurred to us that for some folks assuming you can properly educate your youngster because you can read is like assuming you can drive the NASCAR circuit because you have a driver's license.

Home-school mom Susan Mule wishes she hadn't taken a friend's advice and tried a textbook from a popular Christian publisher for her 10-year-old's biology lessons.

Yeah. Typical rookie mistake, listening to the sales pitch. Always request a desk copy to see if there's anything in the book that remotely resembles what the publisher advertises. Oh, and if you're going to teach out of the book, it helps if you've read it first. Just saying.

Mule's precocious daughter Elizabeth excels at science and has been studying tarantulas since she was 5. But she watched Elizabeth's excitement turn to confusion when they reached the evolution section of the book from Apologia Educational Ministries, which disputed Charles Darwin's theory. "I thought she was going to have a coronary," Mule said of her daughter, who is now 16 and taking college courses in Houston. "She's like, 'This is not true!'"

Now, we'd be the first to admit we learn things from our students, but generally about things peripheral to the class, like computer softwares, or web sites. Stuff like that.  It's generally not considered educationally sound to have the students know more than the teacher about what they are supposed to be learning. Sort of defeats the purpose of school if you catch our drift.

"The majority of home-schoolers don't really want to learn anything," said Ian Slatter, a spokesman for the Home School Checkers and Macrame Club. "Most home-schoolers will definitely have a sort of creationist component to their home-school program to guarantee what passes for their education is the finest the 17th century can provide. We're not sure how those heathens got in the program. Especially that 'precocious' one. What does that even mean?"

"Those who do not believe that the Bible is the inspired, inerrant Word of God will find many points in this book puzzling, if by 'puzzling' you mean batspit howl at the moon off the rails insane," says the introduction to "Biology: Third Edition" from Bob Jones University Press. "This book was not written for them and that's a bit of a problem because a lot of the people the book was written for can't read."

The textbook delivers a religious ultimatum to young readers and parents, warning in its "History of Life" chapter that a "Christian worldview ... has to be protected from reality at all costs and anyone who rejects it probably went to one of them evil government schools where they teach things like the wimmins is equal and other communist stuff."

In Kentucky, Lexington home-schooler Mia Perry remembers feeling disheartened when she realized she was surrounded by people who believed god was powerful enough to flood the whole world, but not powerful enough to set aside an island or something somewhere to put the stuff he wanted to save, so he had to have some yokel build a boat for him. "We're not trying to make sure our kids stay ignorant, so there's somewhat of a feeling of being outnumbered," said Perry, who has home-schooled three of her four children after removing her oldest child from a public school because of a health condition.

Apologia and Bob Jones University Press say their science books sell well because they have a lot of pictures. Apologia's "Exploring Creation" biology textbook retails for $65, while Bob Jones' "Biology" Third Edition lists at $52."And just to reiterate the point, we no longer accept payment in chickens or vegetables," said Jay Wile, a former janitorial aide in Indianapolis who helped launch the Apologia curriculum.

Jerry Coyne, an ecology and evolution professor at the University of Chicago and Virginia Tech biology professor Duncan Porter reviewed excerpts from the Apologia and Bob Jones biology textbooks, which are equivalent to ninth- and 10th-grade biology lessons. Porter said he would give the books an F."They start off all right," Porter said. "But then you get to chapter six and all it says is 'And then a miracle happened.' Not exactly the scientific approach I was looking for."

Wile countered that Coyne "feels compelled to lie in order to prop up a failing hypothesis (evolution). Oh wait, we're the ones propping up a failing hypothesis. OK. Well, at least do not lie to the students because we believe this stuff ourselves and it's all right to be stupid as long as you're honest about it."

 Adam Brown's parents say their 16-year-old son's belief in the Bible's creation story isn't deterring him from pursuing a career in marine biology. His parents, Ken and Polly Brown, taught him at their Cedar Grove, Ind., home using the Apologia curriculum and other science texts that actually had some connection to the real world.

 Polly Brown said her son would gladly take college courses that include evolution, and he'll be able to provide the expected answers even though he disagrees.

Yeah. Nothing recommends  home schooling better than parents teaching their children useless information then telling them not to use it.

Oh, And Magnetism? Just Angels Messing With You. Really

OK, we get it. You don't like that whole earth is over 6000 years old thing. We understand it was hard for you to accept that the sun is at the center of the solar system. We're sorry that scientists keep explaining things like lightening and eclipses. You've made it very clear you don't want to be associated with the monkeys. Frankly, the whole poop flinging thing isn't that big a draw for us either, but look, when you go into education as a career you're sort of expected to, you know, like deal with the facts and all. Just saying.

A key state official plans to vote against Florida's proposed new science standards because evolution would be taught in public schools. "What's next?" asked Donna Callaway of the State Board of Education. "Expanding universe? Germ theory? Where does it end, that's what I want to know."

The former Tallahassee middle school principal is the first board member to make public comment on the standards. She was also the first board member to argue that god meant things to be measured in inches and not meters; that using Greek letters in math and sciences classes is a form of Satan worship; and that students interested in medical careers only needed to be taught about the four humors.

The proposed standards are controversial because they would, for the first time, require public school students to learn about evolution. "How are Florida's students going to compete for jobs in the knowledge economy if they have to learn stuff?" Callaway asked. "Wait. That didn't come out right."

In an editorial in the Baptist Witless, Callaway urged Baptists to speak out against the standards because they attempt "to make evolution dogma" the rule and ignore the belief that God or an "intelligent cause" created living things from three rocks and some dirt.

The editorial appeared in the December 6 issue of the Baptist newspaper, which is delivered to some 40,000 homes, said James Smith, the publication's executive editor. "Of course of that 40,000 only about six can read, so we're not sure what the effect will be," he added.

"I firmly believe that a child can deal with the proof of science along with a personal belief in God as the Creator of the universe at the same time." Callaway said. "And I believe that because I'm doing such a good job of dealing with it myself."

Callaway's comments in a church-based paper troubles Florida Citizens for Science, which supports reality. "She's allowing the voices in her head to cloud her judgment on science education in Florida," said Brandon Haught, the group's spokesman.

The proposed standards were written by teachers and professors with the goal of beefing up science education in Florida, where fewer than half the students are proficient on state science tests. We've got to do something to improve that," Haught said. "This isn't Texas after all."

Texas! Motto: Ain't No Stupid Like Texas Stupid

Frequent readers of this blog probably need to reevaluate their priorities...er...we mean have enjoyed several previous visits to the Lone Star state with us, most recently to examine Governor Perry's principled stand against the commie Obama's free money handout.

Well, now it's the State Board of Education's turn to step up to the plate and protect the good people of Texas from the evil tentacles of...um...erm...Science. We have obtained a video of the meeting at which the new state standards for science were agreed upon:

The State Board of Education passed science curriculum standards that members described as a compromise between those who are about as smart as a bag of fruit flies and those who feared attacks on evolution would lead to the teaching of creationism in Texas schools. "This is a banner day for students in Texas schools," State board Chairman Don McLeroy said. "From this day forward they will be protected from learning about things I don't like."

The new standards remove current requirements that students be taught the "strengths and weaknesses" of scientific theories. Instead, teachers will be required to have students scrutinize "all sides" of the theories. "And by 'all sides' we mean evidence collected by scientists from any number of disciplines over the last 150 years, and stuff we made up to confuse them," McLeroy said.

The new standards will determine what will be included in science textbooks in Texas. Because of its size, Texas could influence what publishers print in books used in other states. "Hey, if Texas is stupid, the rest of you should be stupid too," said John West, a senior fellow at the discovery institute.

Even though initial pushes to include teaching the "insufficiencies" of evolution were rejected, board Chairman Don McLeroy, R-College Station, said the new wording still gets the point across in that it requires students to analyze and evaluate evolution's explanation for both the complexity of cells and the sudden appearance and lack of change in species in the fossil record. "I think the standards that were adopted are better than what I proposed," McLeroy said. "'Course I also believe a white guy with a big beard made the whole universe in six days 6000 years ago, so what do I know?"

Bob Craig, R-Lubbock, one of the board members who was against McLeroy's "insufficiencies" proposal, agreed that the board ended up with a better document than it started with. "It removes some of the controversial language but still encourages students to think critically," Craig said."Well, think as critically you can about something people tell you you have to believe or you're going to hell that is."

Tennessee! Motto: Don't Throw Me In That Briar Patch Brer Fox

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know disappointment is the handmaiden of existence...erm...we mean know we hale from the great state O' Tennessee. West Tennessee to be exact, so close to the Mississippi we could spit in it on a windy day. That right there is one of them Tennessee tall tales. Well, we tell you this because our home state is once again in the news for their commitment to cutting edge 19th century educational practices.

Tennessee's Republican-dominated House of Representatives has overwhelmingly passed a bill that would protect teachers who want to challenge the theory of human evolution.

OK, we think we see your problem there Republican-dominated House of Representatives. See, "teachers" who want to use their classrooms to challenge the theory of human evolution are not "teachers." They're evangelists. Hope this clears up your confusion.

Thursday's 70-28 passage of HB 368 was hailed by sponsor Rep. Bill Dunn, R-Knoxville, who said the proposal was designed to promote "critical thinking" in science classes.

Oops. Guess not. Now, Mr. Representative Bill Dunn, R-Knothead, one does not promote "critical thinking" by espousing blind adherence to bronze age dogma in the face of over 150 years of evidence to the contrary. Your position would be more appropriately described as...ah...somewhat uninformed dunderheadery, also, too, hysterical flailing at a world you feel has spun out of your control. Not to put too fine a point on it.

House Minority Leader Craig Fitzhugh, D-Ripley, was quoted by the Chattanooga Times Free Press drawing a connection between the proposal and the the trial of teacher John Scopes for teaching evolution depicted in the film "Inherit the wind." "I remember ... where Spencer Tracy at the end, he had that book called 'Origin of Species' and looked at it in one hand and had the Holy Bible in the other. He glanced back and forth and he put them both together and walked out of the room. This has never been a problem for me. So I guess I'm having a little bit of a problem in wondering why we're doing this."

Point taken Mr. Fitzhugh. One would think in a state with the 9th highest poverty rate in the US, the sixth most dangerous state to live in according to CQ press crime state rankings, and a literacy rate of 47%  the legislature would have a few more pressing issues to deal with than preserving their own ignorance for the next generation.

Wait a minute. Wait just a minute. Oh, you guys are good. Here you come with that old country bumpkin, aww shucks, corn pone act and all the while you've been running a game on us. We see what you're up to. You found out MacDonald is going to hire 50,000 workers and you're thinking if you can create a school system that stifles curiosity, punishes critical thought and discourages questioning while teaching students to accept the word of their betters as final, your kids will rocket to the top of the list. Brilliant!

They Ain't Fossils Until Inspector 12 Says They're Fossils

OK, so the Intelligent Design folks didn't do so well in the Dover Case. As the presiding judge in the case said, "The only apparent difference between the argument made by [18th century theologian and creationist William] Paley and the argument for ID, as expressed by defense expert witness [Michael] Behe and [Scott] Minnich, is that ID’s “official position” does not acknowledge that the designer is God. .... Although proponents of [Intelligent Design] occasionally suggest that the designer could be a space alien or a time-traveling cell biologist, no serious alternative to God as the designer has been proposed."

Well, personally we'd go with the flying spaghetti monster, but that's just us. Anyway, the point is, for folks whose view of the cosmos is stuck in the 18th century, the 21st century hasn't so far, been very friendly. Can we get a Yea and Verily?

So what are God fearing, undereducated biblical literalists to do when they find that the law actually expects them to provide evidence to support their claims? Well, if you can't litigate evolution away, just hide it.

Powerful evangelical churches are pressing Kenya's national museum to sideline its world-famous collection of hominid bones pointing to man's evolution from ape to human. "We feel that providing scientific evidence that supports the theory of evolution sends the wrong message to young people today," said Bishop Bonifes Adoyo, the head of Christ is the Answer Ministries. "Just look where science has gotten us. Diseases being cured with drugs, water being purified, milk being pastuerized, women voting. How long are we going to go down this road before we realize the error of our ways?"

The museum also holds bones from several specimens of Australopithecus anamensis, believed to be the first hominid to walk upright, four million years ago. Together the artifacts amount to the clearest record yet discovered of the origins of Homo sapiens. "Well, that's only if you believe in all that science mumbo jumbo," Adoyo said.

The National Museums of Kenya, which manages the country's cultural sites, is conducting a survey to determine what visitors to its Nairobi headquarters most want to see. Church leaders aim to hijack that process. "We asked ourselves, What would Jesus do?" Adoyo said, "And the answer was clearly to confuse public opinion and bend it to our agenda."

"Our doctrine is not that we evolved from apes, but were barfed into existencence, and we have grave concerns that the museum wants to enhance the prominence of something presented as fact which is supported with evidence and generally held to reflect reality. Bumba forgive them."

Dr Leakey said the churches' plans were "the most outrageous comments I have heard in the last twenty years, but that's only because I stopped watching the 700 Club a long time ago."

The museum said it was in a "tricky situation" as it tried to redesign its exhibition space to accommodate the expectations of all its visitors. "But things can get tricky when you have religious idiots on one side, and intellectuals, scientists or researchers on the other."

This Is Kentucky. We Don't Put Up With No Monkey Business Mister

Ernie Fletcher is the governor of Kentucky (motto: We ain't no apes). We tell you that so if you ever bump into him you'll know not to say "pardon me" because he will.

Bada boom bam. Thanks, we're here all week.

What we really want to share with you is Governor Fletcher's response to a Kentucky Academy of Science press release that said Intelligent Design shouldn't be taught as science in schools.

We know what you're thinking. After Dover that's a no brainer. Well, speaking of no brains, check out the Governor's response.

My educational background provided me with thorough understanding of science and the theory of evolution. Our nation, however, was founded on self-evident truths.

If you can figure out why those two sentences are connected, please try contact us before your head explodes.

From my perspective, it is not a matter of faith, or religion, or theory. It is similar to basic self-evident objective truths that are the basis of knowledge. For example, 2 + 2 = 4. It disappoints and astounds me that the so-called intellectual elite are so concerned about accepting self-evident truths that nearly 90% of the population understands.

So, only 90% of the people in Kentucky know 2+2=4. The rest, apparently, went into politics.

To deny this understanding of our nation's beginning, and prevent it from being taught to American students, is to undermine the foundation of our nation.

Umm...Governor? The topic is evolution. We're pretty sure America didn't start out as a one celled organism.

Since 1970, state law specifically allows public schools to teach “creationism” in conjunction with the theory of evolution.

Yes, ah...Mr. Fletcher? Sir? Edwards v. Aguillard? Supreme Court? Law of the land? Any of this sounding familiar? Nod if you can hear us.

Although you my (sic) question the intelligence of raising this issue, the computer, which is state-of the-art, and less sophisticated in function than this writer, was built by an intelligent designer.

All right, so he has a Mac. Big deal.

We're From Ironicus Maximus And We're Here To Help

We don't generally like to get involved in "serious issues," particularly when those issues are about science. Not one of the subjects that made our top ten list of favorite school memories. Well, there was the hydrogen sulfide incident, but that just proves there are exceptions to every rule.

Anyway we've noticed that since the Dover PA. decision in which the judge told the school board that, not only were they not scientists, they didn't even play them on TV, those who think Adam and Eve owned Dino and not Fred and Wilma don't seem to have gotten the hint so subtly put forth by Judge Jones:

Those school officials, Jones charged, ''time and again lie[d] to cover their tracks and disguise the real purpose" behind promoting the theory of intelligent design, which he said was to promote religion. But other than that, their science was pretty believable. If you don't know anything about science.

So, as a public service to those of our readers still confused as to whether they are apes or, worse, Catholics, we offer (with the help of our friends here and here) the following conversation guide to evolution for the non-scientist, god hating fag lover and democrat. Not necessarily in that order.

They say, "Evolution is only a theory." You say, So is life after death. Want to hit the strip clubs?

They say, "If humans descended from monkeys, why are there still monkeys?" You say, someone has to watch the 700 Club.

They say, "Living cells could not have evolved from inanimate chemicals due to the Second Law of Thermodynamics." You say, that law wasn't passed until the Cretaceous age.

They say, "Mutations can only eliminate traits, not produce new features." You say, then explain the evolution from Oral Roberts through Jimmy Swaggart to Pat Robertson.

They say, "Natural selection can't explain the origin of new species." You say, sure it does, but you have to understand the separated at birth hypothesis.

They say, "Nobody has ever seen a new species evolve." You say, that's because they do it in South Dakota.

They say, "Evolutionists haven't found any transitional fossils, creatures that are half reptile half bird for example." You say, sure we have. Bill O'Reilly. Oh, wait, that's half reptile half bird brain.

If you follow this easy guide soon you will be having an scintillating intellectual discussion with someone who believes that the universe is so ultimately boring that god has nothing better to do than meddle in our politics, foreign affairs and weather. We hope this helps. You may now return to your daily activities.

Utah! Motto: Why Is Everyone Looking At Us?

We're coming to you today from the Department of Supernatural Studies here in the marbled halls of IM Central. SS is a division of the Corporation for the Manufacture and Distribution of Psychotropic Pharmaceuticals in cooperation with the Utah State House.

Utah County Republicans defeated a resolution opposing imaginary groups that a delegate claims are pushing a satanic plan to encourage illegitimate births, illegal immigration, animal/human hybrids and "acting all European like."

Whoa. When you're too crazy for republicans in Utah that's like nuclear powered craziness. And we're talking fusion, not fission. That's light up a city craziness. And if that doesn't scare you, think about this: He managed to get a majority of votes in his District.

Don Larsen, a Springloose delegate, offered the resolution, titled Resolution opposing the Hate America anti-Christian Open Borders Good Readers Anti-Comma cabal.

Hey. "Cabal." That Word-A-Day calendar is working out for you, huh Mr. Larsen?

Larsen warned delegates that an "invisible government" comprised of left-wing foundations was pumping money into the Democratic Party to push for looser immigration laws, anti-family legislation, 24 hour Tella Tubby channels, do it yourself abortion kits and pills that make you gay. Larsen said Democrats get most of the votes cast by illegal immigrants, people in dysfunctional families, Evolution teachers and aliens. But it's not the Ferengi who are behind this strategy, Larsen said. It's the devil.

OK Mr. Smart Guy, we'll buy the Evolution teachers and aliens, but how do you explain this: Sarah Palin's family voted for republicans. Families don't get much more dysfunctional than that.

"Satan's ultimate goal is to destroy the current tax structure," Larsen said, "and these people are playing a leading part in it." Larsen's resolution contained quotes from the New Testament on the battle between GM and Toyota. The copy of the resolution handed to delegates stated it "fulfills scriptural prophecies about our times if you recite certain bible passages backwards after going off your meds for about a week. And on a related note, I found out Paul is dead."

May we have a word with the people of Utah's 65th district? Um...stop voting. Please.

David Rodeback, a delegate from American Funk, urged delegates to forcefully reject the resolution, as it would "let Satan know we're on to him." Rodeback said Larsen should push instead for his resolution requiring "Satan Scanners" at all state entry points. "They're sort of like metal scanners," Rodeback said. "Except they only go off if Lucifer is present. Or you voted democratic in any of the last three elections."

Joel Wright, a Cedar Chest delegate, said George W. Bush was able to win the presidency because he had 40 percent of the Latino vote, while John McCain was defeated when he only got 28 percent of Latino ballots. "Well, that and McCain is older than the tree stump Eve sat on to eat the apple. The point is, we are not going to be the majority party if we keep pushing the Latinos out," Wright said. "Larsens' just going to have to get used to the fact that most beaners are catholics."

But Cameron Sevy, a Provo delegate, said the GOP shouldn't be ashamed to say that America is a white Christian nation.

Right. You know, it says somewhere in the bible that Satan's last name is Gutierrez. Bet you didn't know that.

Florida! Motto: Just When You Think We've Got A Brain

A while back, we here in the marbled halls of IM Central took the unusual step of actually saying something nice about the people of Florida. While sober. OK, maybe not totally sober, but sober enough to know that we were bestowing the highly coveted Ironicus Maximus Official Seal of Okey Dokiedness on a state that contains Bill Keller, Kent Hovind, and the Panthers. Yeah. Hockey in Florida. That makes about as much sense as putting Bill Bennett in charge of the Gaming Commission.

Well anyway, in spite of some misgivings we went ahead and applied the world renowned Ironicus Maximus Huzzah to the sunshine state because of the state board of education's attempt to bring the rest of the Goobers into the 21st century. Now it appears the Goobers have struck back:

John Stemberger, the head of the Florida Snakehandlers Policy Council, said believers able to find their way to Tallahassee without ending up in Alabama would push for an "academic freedom" measure when the Legislature convenes this month. "We want teachers, particularly science teachers, to ignore stuff that scares us and act in a completely unprofessional, and yes, I'll say it, quintessentially boneheaded way," he told reporters.

State senator Ronda Storms, R-for retarded, filed just such a bill that would create an "Academic Integrity Free Zone" and protect the right of teachers to "present scientific information relevant to the full range of our views regarding chemical and biological evolution. And by 'scientific' we mean the holy bible of god as handed down to us through 2000 years of human hands without a single change or misreading, or error at all, ever, not even one, amen the end."

The bill is much like the sample one posted on the website of the Discovery Institute, because lord knows these people couldn't come up with one by themselves. And it is controversial because many rational people (and their backers, who happen to be able to read) say there are no other "scientific views" about evolution, only religion-in-disguise beliefs. Can you spell Dover?" one scientist asked.

"Well, no I can't," replied senator Storms. "But I never cotton'd to that fancy book learning and I still turned out to be a republican."

Interestingly, during the debate on the standards, Stemberger and other opponents of the new standards said they were not pushing for the teaching of "any other theory of the origin of life. In fact, we'd prefer it if you didn't teach any of them scientifical theories at all. Too much thinking if you ask me."

On the day the state board voted, Stemberger called adding the phrase "scientific theory" a "meaningless and impotent change. But that's just me. People who actually know about science may have a different idea."

Many of those who pushed for Florida's new science standards say they hope there is no new battle, that the state focuses now on revamping its curriculum and training new science teachers, so that its students are better prepared for a science-based world.

"Unnecessary," Stemberger said. "Rapture's just around the corner. No, really. It'll happen this time. Trust me."