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| You accidentally discovered: Home > Global News | August 21st |
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 Secret Service Employs Sex Doll to Train for Presidential Choking Event Sep 5 2003 by Allen Voivod The first game of the 2003 NFL season is over, and though the Washington Redskins were 16-13 winners over the New York Jets, the biggest winner of the night was President George W. Bush, who did not choke on any of the snack foods he consumed while watching the game. During last year’s season, in the first known assassination attempt committed by a carbohydrate, Bush choked on a hard pretzel, hitting his head on a coffee table as he fainted. To prepare for the new football season, Secret Service agents practiced the Heimlich maneuver and renewed their CPR training using a specially commissioned George W. Bush “RealDoll.” Discerning collectors of adult paraphernalia normally use RealDolls, designed by Abyss Creations, LLC, as high-end sex toys. An Abyss spokesman declined to confirm whether the Bush RealDoll had been made with the “optional anal entry” and “one-size penis attachment” features. Highlighting the administration’s current focus on fiscally conservative spending policies, the General Accounting Office reported that the male version of the sex doll cost taxpayers $6,999.00. This is cheaper than the $8,000.00 spent for fabric used by Attorney General John Ashcroft in a sadly ironic move to cover the semi-nude statue of the Spirit of Justice in February 2002. During the game, Secret Service agents stood by nervously as Bush appeared to be tempting fate. An informal tally revealed that Bush consumed 63 hard pretzel bits, 14 Jolly Rancher candies, 31 pieces of Laffy Taffy, and to freshen up afterwards, an uncounted wad of Tic Tacs. Secret Service spokesman Morgan Fanberg assured a nervous public that the Bush RealDoll, along with Vice President Dick Cheney, now resides in a secure location. He also stated that Abyss was ordered to destroy all materials related to its creation, though rumors of a black market in the Bush sex dolls continue to abound in France, North Korea, and Kyrgyzstan. Related Articles U.S. Seeks Coalition, U.N. Aid in Deficit Crunch Aug 31 2003 Power Outage Traced to Amish "Evangelistic Crusade" 19 Aug 2003 Colin Powell: "I'm a Warmongering SOB" Aug 4 2003
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