Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Need advice, part 2

Well, I am officially a member, having locked-up a thread. There is a tear in my eye...

Seriously, many thanks go to all who have weighted-in on my DB progress. Thank you for your support. It is amazing to me that strangers can be so supportive of one another. I care about all of you, and wish everyone the best, whatever that may be. Sometimes what is best for us is not what we want... OK, enough!

Here is the latest:
Things are not getting better. And they are not getting worse. Her R with OM appears to be alive and kicking. The problem is this: she won't talk to me. OK, she will talk, however, she uses the fewest words possible. Now, earlier, she was talking to her friend on the phone (who is also cheating on her husband, btw), and she was all chatty. But I, her husband and the father of her children, get the bare minimum.

Any suggestions on getting her to open up about things that are not related to the kids? That's the only thing that she is willing to talk to me about. Here is a typical non-kid conversation:

Me: So, how was your day?
WAW: Oh, it was OK
Me: How were your patients?
WAW: They were OK.
Me: Any difficult ones?
WAW: One took a long time, longer than usual
Me: Tell me about it
WAW: It was nothing, just took a long time, that's all
Me: How many patients did you see?
WAW: << some number >>.

Sheesh, it's like pulling teeth. I know, I know, find out what she is interested in, and ask questions about that. It will be the same thing:

Me: How is the vegie garden coming?
WAW: OK
Me: What's getting ripe?
WAW: Oh, I don't know, lots of things
Me: I see some tomatoes...
WAW: Yep
Me: Cukes?
WAW: Yes, those too.
Me: Are rabbits getting to them yet?
WAW: No

And on and on... When will this end? My theory is that she does not want to be nice to me for fear of giving me false hope of reconciliation. In her mind she is "engaged" to OM. So it is her duty to close me, and all other men, out of her life. What works here?? (please keep in mind that I consider myself inept at verbal communication. It's really not my long suit. I would prefer to communicate with everybody in writing. It's just not practical...)

One more thing, before I forget. How do you think I should handle nudity? What I mean is, she has become very shy about being exposed around me. Should I act "as if," and just walk in the bedroom when I know she may be changing? OK, the most flagrant example I can offer is the time last week when I had to ask her a question, and I knew she just got out of the shower. I asked her through a partially open door, and made no effort to open the door (respecting her privacy). Then, about 10 min later, figuring she had gotten dressed, I barged in, and she was wearing just panties. She covered herself like a schoolgirl (now, this woman has "participated" at topless beaches in the Caribbean without any reservation). Regardless, do I give her space and respect privacy, or do I act as if I were her husband? How do other LBS' handle this?

For the record (no surprise here) I have no qualms about being naked in front of her. But we men are pigs, right?

OK, in summary, two issues:
- Reluctance to talk
- Casual nudity

Thanks again for caring. I am trying very hard to return the favor and contribute on my friends' threads, and also post on others when I have a valid opinion.

PS: Depression is getting worse. I need to go see my doctor. It's getting unhealthy...

Mark

hey mark

My W was the same way. latley though she has been mor talkative. she is in a bad mood tonight though and I am lettling that little voice in my head start talking nagatives to me. I should not let it happen i know and I have been pretty good at it but I am tired tonight
Think I'll just go to bed
see ya all in the morning

Husband

Mark,
Have you seen a doctor about your depression at all? I resisted for a few months of going to the doctor thinking I could handle it on my own. I was a bundle of nerves, I couldn't stay still I was always fidgeting. I couldn't concentrate on my job or anything else for that matter. I would cry at the drop of a hat. It wasn't fair to my chilren or any other people I came in contact with. I went to the doctor and he put me on a low dose of Lexapro. I am doing much better now. When I mentioned to friends that I was looking into going to the doctor for my anxiety and depression, I was amazed at how many people are on meds that I did not realize.

This is just my opinion... just act like you normally would. I wouldn't worry about you seeing her naked and how she would feel.. im sorry but give me a break, she's really being ridiculous... especially since like you said she's gone topless before.. She needs to really grow up and stop acting like she's 2.

As far as the communication. I wouldn't ask her anything anymore. Maybe you should just be a little more standoffish with her, not mean, but I would be more in touch with the things you like to do and hopefully she will start asking you about it.

Just my opinion, I may be wrong, but speaking from a woman's point of view, don't hover.

Im sorry your depressed, you need to speak to someone. Of course venting here is good, but not enough. I wish there was something I could do to help you, only to say that you are a good person and knowone deserves how you are getting treated.

Sending hugs your way ((())))

Blessings~

TAL

H: Thanks for the info. I guess I just need validation that her reluctance to communicate is "normal" (whatever that is!).

Yoyo: BTW, WAW and OM are both on antidepressants (amazing, I know... they are depressed!!) No, I have not seen MD. Actually, my biggest concern here is my vulnerability to an EA (don't think I could do PA). But I really miss the intimacy of a close relationship. Need to keep that at bay, so off to the doctor I go....

TAL: Thanks for your caring support. I just was looking for a woman's perspective on the nudity thing. As far as conversation goes, I will try to be a little more distant to her. Like you said, not rude, just distant. However, on the rare occasion that she does ask about something I am doing, the conversation goes just as above. She is politely asking - and nothing more. She will not ask probing questions... minimal verbal contact.

hi everyone,
My H never said anything else about the vacation plans. He does not want to move back home. Oh well its his loss. If he want to have his A then he misses out on a family vacation.
Last night we had to go to a wake. We drove there seperately. When i got there I acted very confident and kept my distance from him but not rude. Every time there was distance he kept coming closer to me. I was dressed very nice and looked good. I started a conversation with a man there and im sure my H noticed and I wore perfume too and I never wear perfume. When we got home I put on a sexy lace cami top. He said thats a nice shirt. I think he is starting to get a little jealous. someone told me a man cant stand the thought of their women being with another man. I think this will be my new strategy..

Mark,
Im sorry youre feeling depressed i can definately identify. Im really into holistic medicine. For my depression I take SAM-e 400mg., l-tyrosine, and 5-htp. These are all natural supplements that raise the serotonin levels in the brain. I also take a good B-100 complex vitamin, this is really good for stress.
Do you do aerobic exercise. I run 3 miles every morning with my lab and greyhound this helps me alot. I have also found that not staying home is helpful.
There is also good web site "Focus on the Family" if you are a spiritual person. I dont know if you are familiar with Tony Robbins but he has some great positive thinking tapes that you can probably get from the library.
Hope your feeling better.

Mark,

I would just act as if you are going on with your life without her. don't try to draw her into convo. Just go do things with other people. Say hi if your paths cross be positive and show her you can go on without her(and maybe you will start to feel it).

The nudity thing I would respect her privacy, but in the same respect if you want to walk in nude then by all means do it.( it might show her what she ahs been missing)

JAK

Yeah, Jak. Thanks for the advice. Good stuff. I will definitely make a bigger effort to GAL, and move my focus from her. I think she senses that I do indeed focus a lot on her.

Regarding the nudity... the only naked man she wants to see is OM...

Ahh but that will wear off once the R gets old.

Then you can impress her with your bod.

JAk