I'm starting a new one simply because I am shedding any negativity from my life and moving on up to the positive life entirely!
I'm still not sure H is in MLC or not, but I've committed to detaching entirely and bettering myself. It will be hard as I seem to still be in anger stage with him. Trying hard to release, and usually am doing well, but occasionally will find myself day dreaming of hurting him, rejecting him WHEN he comes back to me, etc. (You see, I now know he will come back to me b/c I will be so AWEsome at that point, but by then, who knows if I will want him. I'm a little afraid of that, actually.)
Reposting my commitments to myself on this new thread so it doesn't get buried: Restoration of ME: 1. Joining gym (used to be very into working out) 2. Eating healthier (been eating junk for too long b/c I eat differently than the rest of family so it's too hard to make two meals) 3. Going on several solo (with dog/s) vacations this year to paint and hike 4. Beginning to play guitar again 5. Taking voice lessons - ALWAYS wanted to do it 6. Painting/drawing again 7. Already began today to write poetry/lyrics. I don't have anything but a brainstorming paper right now, but I'll get there. 8. Cutting my hair, it's down past my butt - getting it styled 9. Going tanning - I'm TOO white 10. Gaining control of my finances, even though it's probably too late to stop the bankruptcy 11. Finding friends (how does one go about doing this?) 12. Taking midnight walks under the stars and in the woods and sleeping out under the stars more 13. Taking karate classes 14. Getting braces to correct one tooth that is crooked, probably whitening my teeth also.
Announcement: Number one CROSSED OFF the list already. The gym was running a special for people at my workplace for $20 a month, so I joined. It's half price from their regular membership, and it's walking distance from my work.
I'm going to be doing the Muscle & Fitness 90 day Rock Hard Challenge. It's an older challenge they ran, but it was so good and I got into shape so quickly before using it. Of course, I was 10 years younger then. LOL.
Orthodontic appointment scheduled for May 18. Don't know yet if I can afford it, but it doesn't hurt to check and I can always budget for it/save up. Going to have a killer smile!
Journaling: Just had our quarterly profit sharing meeting and H presented. I got up from my seat near him and talked to a man in the back. H did have his brow furrowed, I think I threw him. I was trying to watch his body language but didn't want him to see me looking, so I just detached and threw "happy and cool" vibes his way.
He's used to me being nice to him - having his cake and eating it too. I'm not sure what this will do to us, but I'm just not OK with continuing to allow him to cake eat with no consequences (ie being "friends" and "roommates" with me while he has OW on the side.)
Not sure which direction I will take with this, but thinking of trying dim for a bit. For me.
I got up from my seat near him and talked to a man in the back. H did had his brow furrowed, I think I threw him for a loop. He's used to me being nice to him - having his cake. I'm not sure what this will do to us, but I'm just not OK with continuing to allow him to cake eat with no consequences (ie being "friends" with me while he has OW on the side)
Mach1, To tell you the truth, I did it in the spur of the moment, no forethought, just felt right. After I did it, I sat and wondered why - but it was probably just instinct and having thought through yesterday many thoughts about two things: 1. I know I cannot change anything, and H is half way out the door with OW at the moment. Never mind that she's not right for him and it's just all silly, high school games - he thinks right now, in the moment, that she's his soul mate. Having internalized that - I decided to do the one thing I CAN do and that is work on me - to make me happy, fulfilled and complete/whole. 2. I really had a lot of a-ha moments yesterday where times and actions on H's part showed me over and over throughout the day, like God was showing me a movie, that H likes to pursue and he also likes having me "right where he wants me." He cake eats like a pro... and while I am GALing for myself, H will be wondering and panicking about what went wrong... although last time I went dim, H told MIL that I was off doing my own thing and seemed "fine" with everything. I'm really not sure on this path, but I'm going to take it and see where it leads.
Now, that being said, getting up and moving just felt right, it was not thought out, but as I sat there, I did start wondering "what does he think about what I just did." I had those thoughts pop in a few times, but slammed them back down and paid attention to the presentation.
I'm still not 100% detached, but I can see the path through the trees and am on it most of the time.
Um, Hmmm, no I typically would have stayed and smiled at him, encouraged him, knowing he is nervous in front of crowds. This was a complete 180 for me to abandon him and it was absolutely perceived by him as something different that I did. Not sure what he thought about it, other than he got up and bolted out of there when the meeting was over, did not stay to look at me or talk or anything at all.
I didn't glare at him from the back or throw darts with my eyes, I still laughed and smiled at everyone and everything like usual, I just physically moved my seat to be away from him and the front of the room to the back of the room.
