Photo by Dr. Hemmert

Eight Keys to a Happier Marriage

Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Collis Ta’eed of FreelanceSwitch.

Newly weds are often asked ‘how’s married life?’ As with everything in life, the answer depends on you. For some, marriage is another word for frustration and even misery. For others it is the bedrock of strength and support they build the rest of their lives around.

What are the differences that lead such a fundamental part of daily life down two totally opposing avenues? I don’t pretend to have all the answers, but I can share with you the things that have helped me in my years of marriage to what I feel is a very strong and happy relationship.

1. Work on Your Marriage. Like most of us, I learnt what I know about marriage from my parents. When my father once said to me ‘marriage requires attention, the moment you stop working on your marriage is the moment it begins to falter’ I can remember thinking, this didn’t sound very much like the movies. After all a wedding is the culmination of a movie, that’s when everything is all sorted out and you don’t have to worry about anything any more, right? Alas, like in many other things, my father has proven correct.

As we’ll discuss in the proceeding paragraphs, maintaining a healthy marriage requires sacrifices, attention and care. It helps to think of your marriage as a living thing in itself. Like all living things, it needs nourishment and protection, healing when it is sick, and space to grow and flourish.

These are all nice words, but what does that mean on a practical level? It means you need to always think about your marriage and not take it for granted. It means you need to be vigilant against things that might threaten it, not just the obvious things like temptation, but the subtle things like imbalances in responsibility and duty, comparisons to others, jealousy and so on. It means you need to nourish your marriage with thoughtfulness for the other’s needs, find time together and sometimes even time apart. It means when things are going wrong you need to stop and think about how you can improve them and perhaps what sacrifices you need to make. It means that a marriage needs to go forward, to change as you both change and to grow stronger.

2. Don’t Leave Things Unsaid. I watched a movie once – I think it was one of those British romantic comedies – where a man is asked why his marriage failed and he replies “Because we left too many things unsaid” and though I don’t normally take advice from movies, this one I took to heart.

If you don’t voice your problems they have nowhere to go. Worse if you voice them to people not in your marriage – i.e. friends, coworkers, anyone else – then instead of airing your dirty laundry you let it fester.

No matter how long two people have known each other there will still be things that they don’t pick up when unspoken. Sure you may think your partner knows what you’re thinking, but what if they don’t? Which leads us to number 3…

3. Speak Plainly. The very worst thing you can do in a relationship is play games with each other. No, not the twister or monopoly varieties, I mean mind games. It’s tempting when you are in a bad mood or when you don’t want to be hurt to be passive aggressive, to not say what you mean, to make veiled hints in order to test the other person and so on. Tempting, but it doesn’t go anywhere except sour.

I think it’s fairly obvious why clear communication leads to a better marriage, and yet it can be difficult to do. But if you have something to say, whether it is to voice some upset, to show that you care or anything else, then you must speak plainly if you hope for the other person to understand. And if you weren’t hoping for them to understand, why are you talking?

Speaking indirectly usually begins during dating or courting. We do it because it avoids us opening up to being hurt. At this early stage if you were to tell someone how much you liked them and they shot you down it would be painful. So to compensate we move slowly and only hint at our feelings until we see enough back from the other person that we start to open up. This is OK.

The problem is when speaking indirectly continues on into the relationship. At that point you should be able to trust the person enough to express your feelings. If they abuse them then you leave. By keeping your guard up you only put huge barriers in the middle of your relationship.

Speaking indirectly is also a bad idea when one person just doesn’t get it. When you have one partner playing games and the other doesn’t really understand their behaviour at times they will begin to resent the other and inevitably this will lead to problems.

Passive aggression on the other hand is when a partner rather than voicing their upsets appears to be smiling, calm, and usually puts bite into words that shouldn’t have it. Over time passive aggression can become less and less veiled and turn into exasperation, distain even disgust.

Another bad habit is what is called stonewalling. This is when a partner simply shuts the other out, going silent, ignoring them or even leaving for a time. Stonewalling has obvious consequences of frustration and anger and quickly leads to cycles of increasing problems as one person stonewalls while the other becomes more and more frustrated, then becomes less and less reasonable leading to further stonewalling.

If you only take one thing away from my words, let it be to speak plainly, avoid passive aggression, avoid games and avoid speaking indirectly. When you say what you mean and communicate your feelings clearly the other person has a proper chance to respond.

4. Be Vulnerable. Too often we don’t want to put our feelings and thoughts out there. Particularly if we’ve had bad experiences when younger, or if simply taught to be that way by watching our parents and peers. Admitting that you are vulnerable – everyone is – is the corollary to speaking plainly.

It is important to remember that this is your partner and they love you and you love them. Between the two of you, if you both speak plainly and admit vulnerability, then you will be able to resolve problems. It may take time, you may have many hurdles to get over, but what other recourse is there than resolution? After all neither of you are out to get the other - remember you love each other!

The flipside to being vulnerable is you get hurt sometimes. Don’t let this close you off, remember this just means that wasn’t the right person, circumstances or perhaps even a little closer to home, there were other things going wrong. Whatever the case, you don’t need to hide away. Without being open to hurt, you won’t be open to the joys of marriage and relationships.

5. Accept your Partner. It is tempting to find a person and try to shape them into the partner you really want. Trying to change a person never works. People know when they are not accepted in their entirety and it hurts.

You shouldn’t go into a marriage or a relationship thinking to change someone. And if you do remember the most you can do is explain what it is, explain how it affects you or why it affects you and if it’s important, then they may change. And if they don’t, then think about all the things that they may wish changed in you.

Of course if there are too many things you want to change, it is important to face that this may not be the right person for you, or you may be expecting too much. People will be what they will be, spending your marriage life trying to shift habits and personalities is like trying to push boulders up a mountain, tiring and not very fun.

6. Spend Time Together. It’s obvious, but a relationship without any face time is going to have problems. I have met happy couples who spend months apart because of work commitments, but they are few and far between and more often than not, their happiness is more a testament to their character and emotional abilities than anything else.

Of course spending time together doesn’t simply mean being in the same room, it means actively finding time where you engage with each other. It may even take work and effort, but remember from above, a happy marriage takes work!

Spending time together, also often entails spending some time alone. Children, even pets can sometimes be barriers to engaging with one another. Even if you simply have a few moments while they run off, it’s important to be alone too.

7. Make Time for Both Your Ambitions and Goals. It is all too easy to focus on your own goals and ambitions and hope or even assume that your partner shares them. If you don’t know what your partner’s life goals are, ask them.

In my marriage, I have goals that are to do largely with working, whereas my wife wants to travel the world. If we did either and not the other, one of us would feel unfulfilled. The solution is of course balance. We try to do one then a little of the other, then switch.

8. Be Clear and Assertive. While it is important to be vulnerable, to make sure your partners goals are being looked after, that you accept your partner and all the other things we’ve talked about, it’s equally important not to be trampled over. You should always be clear and assertive about your own feelings, your own needs and your own goals. Remember that your own happiness is essential to a happy marriage.

Read more from Collis Ta’eed at FreelanceSwitch.

If you liked this article, please bookmark it on del.icio.us or vote for it on Digg. I’d appreciate it. :)

Eight Keys to a Happier Marriage

Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Collis Ta’eed of FreelanceSwitch.

Read more from Collis Ta’eed at FreelanceSwitch.

If you liked this article, please bookmark it on del.icio.us or vote for it on Digg. I’d appreciate it. :)

Posted on 22 October 2007 in Finance & Family |
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Comments (25)

PJLime Says:

October 22nd, 2007, 8:13 am

Thanks!

Klemen Says:

October 22nd, 2007, 8:49 am

Leo, couldn’t agree more with everything you said! I wish people will realize how important this is and take it to their hearts…

engtech Says:

October 22nd, 2007, 13:21 pm

My favorite “instant advice” on relationships is that love is a verb. It’s not a feeling you can lose, but rather a feeling that comes from your actions towards the ones you love.

Ian Says:

October 22nd, 2007, 13:44 pm

How can the author both not pretend to have all the answers, and yet list the answers numerically?

This advice seems reasonable enough, but why do we assume it’s useful when there is no supporting data? Even a personal anecdote would be nice, since these things worked for the author.

For marriage advice that’s based on real studies, read Gottman’s “Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work.” According to him, not all communication is good, and being overly assertive can be damaging. Respect and friendship are key. Communicating is harmful when your words show contempt and disrespect.

Eugene (Editor, Varsity Blah) Says:

October 22nd, 2007, 14:04 pm

I think this advice applies to everyone, even those who aren’t married. The whole point is that we can only really connect with other people once we get out of our heads and try to see things from their perspective. That’s something I’ve been thinking about quite a lot after recently reading “Social Intelligence” by Danield Goleman. It’s such an eye-opener.
(http://www.amazon.com/dp/055338449X/?tag=varsblah-20)

xen ix Says:

October 22nd, 2007, 14:20 pm

If I only had this article a few months ago.

Nicholas David Says:

October 22nd, 2007, 14:54 pm

Something I’ve said and learned from past relationships.

Never complain to your friends about your wife/girlfriend. Keep all serious issues between the two of you to be worked out. It will promote trust and compromise. Involving your friends only portraits a poor image of your spouse.

Madame Monet Says:

October 22nd, 2007, 15:37 pm

I’m an non-Muslim American living in an Islamic country. I took a study course in Islam where it was often mentioned that the Prophet Mohamed said, “Marriage is half of Islam.” For a while, I didn’t understand what was meant by that, but this year I have. In marriage, there are so many interpersonal issues to work out in living with another person as husband and wife, that to learn to do so successfully, THAT ALONE teaches you to be a better person.

I found your article to be very good.

Best regards,
Madame Monet
Writing, Painting, Music, and Wine
winewriter.wordpress.com

Quanology Says:

October 22nd, 2007, 15:40 pm

Good to focus on relationships. Funny how you know many of these things yet you don’t do them. The fact is, most of your relationship is happing on a subconscious level where old patterns and needs are the ones in the driver’s seat - that’s why you keep getting into the same arguments and situations every couple of months. But, like the author said, it’s absolutely a skill and you need to work on it like you would your golf swing. You’re probably not aware of most of your improvement areas in golf - that’s why you need a golf pro who can watch your swing from a safe distance. But point 1 is the most important. Most people just aren’t into the idea of working on their marriage. One more point: we should all be aware that power struggles between men and women are natural, have been around forever, and exist across all cultures. The trick is to be conscious of them and develop your own sense of “power” so as not to have to rely too heavily on your spouse. It’s quite liberating…not that I would know ;-)

Quanology Says:

October 22nd, 2007, 15:50 pm

Nice tips from Nicholas David, by the way. Complaining to friends and relatives can be pretty destructive. The only people who really know the ins and outs of your relationship are you and your partner.

Warren Says:

October 22nd, 2007, 17:50 pm

These are some good ideas. The key is balancing your focus on your life and your partners. Each is equally important when married.

Nneka | Spirituality Blog Says:

October 22nd, 2007, 18:40 pm

Wow Leo! Wish you published this one 6 months ago. Ever consider writing a book.

Leo Says:

October 22nd, 2007, 19:05 pm

Thanks for all the nice comments, everyone. Just to clarify, though: this guest post was written by my friend, Collis Ta’eed, of FreelanceSwitch.com.

He’s a wonderful person who works side-by-side with his wife on FreelanceSwitch (and on other projects), and the two are fantastic people who seem to work incredibly well together. They set a great example for all of us.

Susan Denny Says:

October 22nd, 2007, 20:28 pm

My husband and I have a fantastic partnership going and it’s been that way for 37 years! It’s not a coincidence that we have lasted this long together. I believe in the “Law of Attraction” and we were meant to be together. As a matter of fact we are together almost 24 hours a day as we also work together.
I believe that the basis to any good relationship is communication with each other and being each other’s best friend.
It’s certainly worked for us!

Gates VP Says:

October 22nd, 2007, 20:31 pm

I can’t agree with the Complaining to friends prerogative, b/c complaining to the right friends can actually be a relationship savior.

Communication can falter on many levels and sometimes we as lovers are simply incapable of providing the correct perspective at the correct time. My lover’s best friend is capable of communicating in ways that I simply cannot. When my lover “complains” to her best friend, she is giving her best friend the opportunity to provide support and perspective in ways that are unique to them.

I have often shared relationship issues with trusted friends and family b/c they have insights and stories that I don’t have.

Yes, some friends can be poisonous to the situation and some forms of “complaint” are just inherently poisonous. But the “act of complaint” is not wrong, it’s simply the pitfalls in the way it is carried out that make it so treacherous.

Emmi Says:

October 23rd, 2007, 0:45 am

The keys to a good marriage are picking the right person, accepting that the other person is at the center of his/her own universe and as a result sees and feels diffrently from you (and can’t read minds)– this makes communication critical– and politesse, or diplomacy, Be willing to negotiate and compromise, and know when it is better to say nothing (it isn’t said if it doesn’t cross your lips). Make generous use of positive reinforcement. And finally, get a second television!

Vee Says:

October 23rd, 2007, 4:46 am

Great piece of advice. Love the article.

K Stone Says:

October 23rd, 2007, 11:23 am

Collis, This is an excellent article. I’m going to bookmark it and save it!

Scott W Says:

October 23rd, 2007, 14:16 pm

While being married to a great person certainly makes life easy, inviting the right person into your life is the easy part. What most people today neglect to do at that point is shut the door. You should no longer allow anyone access to the door of your intimate life, and you must refuse to go out and take walks to enjoy the scenery. Once you have chosen your partner (or in some countries, your partner is chosen for you), the rest is about commitment.

Of course you have to give each other room for your own individuality, but your chief goal from “I do” until “death do us part” is helping your spouse be all he or she can be (and accepting the same gift in return). Another thing most people today forget is to forfeit the right to claim that since your spouse isn’t giving as freely as you, you’re no longer under obligation to do your share. Remember, your love is a gift, not a free market exchange. A 50/50 marriage only applies to those whose ultimate goal is a 50/50 divorce.

Jonathan Says:

October 23rd, 2007, 21:00 pm

Great article, good show. A lot of the points mirror stuff that was brought up in a similar article that I recently read on “dumb little man”. You can check it out here if ya like.

Jonny Digital
http://www.mentalrefreshment.com

lovelydisturbance Says:

October 24th, 2007, 0:30 am

this is a lovely article.

my husband tries to be nice as a technique to work on the marriage.

and, i try to listen.

Karthik Says:

October 24th, 2007, 3:29 am

Very True and valid thoughts. I have been happily married for 16 years now and the success is due to understanding, feeling, respect for each other. Ofcourse, listening matters a lot.

Excellent thoughts. Thanks
Karthik
Bangalore, India.
http://www.karthikkaraikudy.blogspot.com

Gates VP Says:

October 28th, 2007, 14:59 pm

Hey Pylon, I don’t know if you’re trying to be flamebait here, but actually, I think that you’ve hit on something here.

These keys are all quite closely related to having a good sex life as well:

2. Don’t leave things unsaid

Hey honey I’ve had this really burning desire to, well, to…”

3. Speak Plainly

… I want you to do XXX to me, b/c I think it would be fun.

4. Be Vulnerable

I know that it sounds a little weird, it kind of freaks me out too.

5. Accept your Partner

Sure, you say, that sounds like a neat idea, I’d love to do that for you

6. Spend time Together
Obviously, if you don’t spend time together you can’t really indulge in good sexual relations. It’s OK to indulge in quickies but a big part of intimacy is the intimate time spent with your clothes still on.

You obviously won’t be able to indulge in the stuff that makes sex interesting (as implied above) unless you also make real time for the whole thing to happen.

7. Make time for Both of your Ambitions and Goals
No feels good if their fantasies are left out.

8. Be clear and assertive
No one can make your fantasies a reality if you’re not clear about what you want. Of course, all fantasies need to have some boundaries, this but not that, so being assertive is key to keeping things fun.

So Pylon, if you’re having problem with sex life in your marriage, maybe look at these keys. The source of the ability to say “Hey honey…” comes directly from confidence in other areas of the relationship.

Leo Says:

October 28th, 2007, 15:02 pm

@Gates VP (and everyone else) … just a note that I deleted Pylon’s comment for vulgarity. But just so Gates’ comment isn’t completely confusing, Pylon was suggesting that sex is a key to a happy marriage. Good response, Gates!

Anna Says:

May 21st, 2008, 5:09 am

One good technick for happier marriage is to be a blame-free Zone.An interesting thing happens when you blame your spouse. You actually get more of the very behavior that you say you dislike. When you blame my partner what does she/he naturally do? She/he blames you back! You see her as the problem, and she sees you the same way. There are many couples blaming each other and feeling justified in doing it. Sadly, millions feel that being “right” is more important than the health of their relationship. Blaming your spouse has never worked and never will. There are certainly times that you can be angry with your spouse, but carrying around blame and resentment will kill your chances for long-term success.