I'm an old poster who came back under another name. My H had an A 5 years ago, and we busted the D, and he came on here with me and we advised for a little while. I have been over in infidelity but just came across a website through someone's post here and IT'S MY H!
I am now CERTAIN that H is in MLC.
I am too controlling, I am the reason his life is awful, if he can just get away from me, he'll be great. He has an OW that he recently reconnected with - she's his "soul mate" - they used to sit together at lunch from time to time in high school and he's always "carried a piece of her in his heart." GAG. LOL
We're still living together, but he's moved to the couch just four days ago. I exposed the A to his friends and family (only after he exposed to his friends) I asked them to stand by me and the M, and MIL & FIL are, one friend said he will, the rest are happy for H and his "new life" as he's told them I'm crazy and just can't live with me...
He told MIL had has plans to leave me between now and 2 years when kids are entirely grown and then he and OW will be together.
Doesn't seem to be any immediate plans for D, he said to MIL that we've lived together as friends for 10 years, nothing will change.
Everything on that site I was reading just sounds like what he's going through. I want to do this right the first time, so I'm in the process of learning everything I can to get this done and over with ASAP. I know he needs to go on his own journey and I can't force anything and I can't help him along. I know that already, but as far as my actions and my growth, I'm ready, willing and able to get it on right away so that I'm stronger, better and more stable than ever before. I'm pretty strong already, and now that I know what's going on, my PMA is pretty high. I'm CERTAIN that he will come back around, it will just take time and the will and help of the Father, of course.
Hi everyone! My first time on this section of the forum, looking forward to getting to know you all.
The whole expose not expose thing...well that ship has sailed already.
Soul Mates...
You know, I used to like the term...now? I cannot stand it. It might as well be, Soul Fukc Buddies, : )
As for the work you say you're willing to do. : )
Two things.
One is mirror work. Where you look at yourself, and you look really hard at the things you don't like in yourself. Like...internal cellulite. And you get rid of it. Are you honestly the type of person who says they will do something and then come up with an excuse not to do it, and you do not like that in yourself? Well kill it. Don't like the physical you see as well? Change.
The physical change is easier in the long run.
The second part...the MLC is going to say alot of mean and untrue things...but you know what? They also say some very truthful things as well.
I am willing to bet that when he called you controling it stung a little.
Want to know why it stung?
Up to you to determine if anything he said has some truth to it. Up to you to determine if those truths are things you don't like about yourself, but even if you do...they don't. : )
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Hi Passenger, I am sorry you find yourself back on the boards. There are some great resources on the top of this forum. Read those to get an idea of what is going on with your h. You seem to be doing well already. I know you have gone to family and friends but not it is time to keep them out of it especial MIL and FIL. Find support elsewhere. Also take the focus off of your h and put it on yourself and your children. You cannot do anything for him on this journey. It is his and his alone.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Jack, it didn't sting, but I recognized the truth in it. Funny thing is, I've been begging him for years to take more responsibility so I don't have it all. To plan a vacation, learn about our finances, take charge of the kid's, etc. (my stepchildren btw) That doesn't mean it's right that I took the control, but it's how it was. It was and is so hard to give control to him now knowing he is not reliable, but I am trying very hard. Most of it was made up - like I spent the last 5 years spying on him (after his last A - which I check his emails ONCE when he started acting strange again - turned out to be recontact had happened.) I would never intrude on his privacy like that, it was all his immediate feeling of guilt over hiding the A with the OW that he was reflecting back to me and blaming me for. Or he told people that I used to cut myself - which is true... but it occurred 33 years ago, 11 years before I even met him when I was a child. I had a friend that was doing it and being a young teen, I tried also... these are the things he used to show I am crazy and can't be lived with. There are things I seriously need to work on... weight (down 40 pounds, 30 to go), taking care of myself so I don't feel like a kept slave and resentful, learning to communicate my feelings rather than yelling them after they've built up. Learning to trust, I guess, which won't be coming any time soon for me... hopefully we'll get there.
Thanks mermaid - I'm reading those resources right now, in between trying to get my taxes filed. LOL. Hard to concentrate. I don't have friends of my own. I'm working on it, it's hard to meet people when you don't have outside activities that include groups. I hike, and take care of the family. Time to start being my own person again. I did just get my motorcycle license, which was super fun.
So nice to meet you all. Thank you OldPilot, I'll get to that ASAP. I was looking for the stages people keep talking about.
Last time, it was a year before we were reconnected, but in DB time, it was only like 6 months. (I discovered DBing 6 months in to the process) It only took 2 months to start to see major progress, including intimacy. I have a feeling that will not happen here. I'll need some online friends to help get me through that as Patience is not one of my strong suits.
Is it appropriate to post goals, like getting him to move back to the bedroom from the couch? Or does that not apply for MLC?
You...you have that saved somewhere on your computer and copy cut and paste it don't you? : )
No Jack I keep it on your computer. If you cut and paste it the links don't work for some strange reason. So some of them have to be re-done each time.
LOL
