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Wow

This is one crazy ride.

First Thanksgiving in my entire life that I did not spend with my family. Despite that, it went ok.

I left the house September 1st, after she told me, about the OM, "I still call him occasionally" and "he'll always be my friend." I slept on that, didn't raise my voice. Next morning I told her, that's it, I'm moving out, and because we have no money for a third house (that story another time) you will need to move.

Well! The next day she invites me back to MC. Nothing all summer long - the silent treatment. And then I announce I am leaing and very suddenly she asks for counseling. At the same time she wants a "Controlled separation" with the rules all spelled out, finances and so on, though not a legal separation. (Does CS = controlled separation?)

Well that was all a story, apparently. She came to one session, and then never returned.

I moved in with a friend.

Three weeks ago, looking at the calendar I realize, the 3-month term on our "controlled sep" is going to expire and seeing that we don't talk but once or twice a week, I'm not heading back to the house. So I ask her to meet with me to discuss the housing/money situation. If I am to get my own place, then I will need money. She agrees to meet, reluctantly. She arrives at the coffee shop 20 mins late. Before sitting at the table, she drops her atty's card on the table. Nice!

She announces that she is filing for D. I talk about the kids, suggest we go back to MC. (all non-DB tactics I guess) She declines.

I have an attorney. My atty contacted her atty. It's been three weeks, nothing from the atty or from W.

Now what?

For me, I'm GALing. But it is a very wild ride.

Some back story -

She has said "I want a D" multiple times over the past 4-5 months. She has access to money and is certainly capable of arranging an attorney. She keeps telling me "I want a D" but she has not actually filed. Yet?

For now the only contact I have with her is scheduling visits with the children.

PS: we have even talked to the children, announced our intention to D to the 4 children! Oh how heartbreaking this is to me! But I agreed to do it anyway. This was me detaching. I hate divorce, but she stated very clearly (multiple times) that she is filing. So I stopped pushing back, and decided to let her go. She was clear and definite. I suggested we tell the children, she agreed, and so we sat down and did it. Actually I did all the talking; she clammed up and said almost nothing. That was 3 weeks ago. Still no papers. Who knows what she is waiting for?

Just some more info -
it's pretty quiet out there, not sure anyone is reading. But I'm writing anyway.

I found out about my marriage troubles on July 20, 2006. The wife of the OM called me to let me know. I was traveling on business. Called W immediately. She brushed it off as if it were nothing. Suggested that I not to cut short my trip. As if it were not important.

The OM was my best friend, next to my wife. Our families were friends, actually. Family vacations together. Dinner at each other's houses once or twice a month. I spent time with him alone doing guy stuff.

He was a stay-at-home dad - his wife worked, they had plenty of money. Three lovely kids. At the time, the youngest was just 18 months.

While the A was going on, W and I were planning a move across the country. Little did I know. New job, new place to live, away from family and friends.

I found out just 2 weeks before we were to move and close on our new house. We discussed our sitch. We both agreed we wanted to work it out. So we picked up the kids, moved across the country.

Since then life has been - I don't know how to describe it - crazy. She declined to enter MC with me immediately, said she wanted to go to IC first. She had suicidal thoughts. She went on SSRIs. She went off. When I inquired as to the progress of her IC, she was hostile, "none of your business!"

She told me the A was my fault, as I was "never happy". I looked but did not see this in me. She then told me I treat the kids poorly, raising my voice in the house, scaring them. I admit that I raised my voice, agreed to work on it, apologized to the kids (individually) for scaring them, told them I didn't want to be scary. I succeeded in this. She noticed, she was glad. But still she felt hopeless about the M.

I read "how to recover your marriage" books. Based on that advice, I tried encouraging her - told her I valued her as a wife and a mother. For her 40th bday (bad timing - too many stressful things at once) I got her a new convertible. I had been planning to do it for 2 years. I talked to my boys all summer about what color it should be - this all while the A was going on. She liked it, looked great in it.

By November 2006 we were in MC together. Generally there was not much progress. I later found out that she re-started communications with the OM while in MC with me. (The W of the OM emailed me, said she didn't want me to be a fool again).

I proposed a family trip to Hawaii, thinking that would lift everyone's spirits. It was one week before our trip that I found out she was still conversing with OM. I told her I deserved better than this. She tearfully told me she would "give him up". We went on the vacation, but she was tense. She got drunk, swore at me. We made love (her idea), first time in a long time, and then she cried.

When we returned from the trip, back into counseling, we began to plan our divorce. I withdrew from counseling. The C asked - what would make you feel safer here? I told her "if I were not planning my own divorce, that would be safe for me." W said nothing. I left MC.

She moved out of the bedroom. April 2007. I stayed in the house. She slept. a lot. She drank. A lot. Every day. Obvious signs of depression. The house went unkept. I worked harder, cleaned the house, did laundry, while still working my job.

New accusations by her - now the problem was that I was controlling. I didn't want her to have her friends, I hated her family, etc etc. None of this made any sense to me. It's just not true that I don't want her to have her friends. It's not true that I want to keep her from her family. I like her family. They like me.

Then she had a date with the OM. She told me it was for a "work meeting" - she is selling jewelry at parties. She led me to believe she'd be home around 10-11pm. By 1230am, still no W. I waited up. "it would have been nice of you to call," says I. Well that blew up. A sign of me controlling her again. A big argument.

The next week she admitted to me that she was out with him. Less than 8 weeks after the teary-eyed "I'm giving him up," she actually went on a date with him. She now says she does not remember this promise to me.

She asked me to leave the house. We still have not sold the other house, money is tight. I explained this to her.

I spoke to my family, her family, her friends, the priest that married us. All are encouraging. All are totally shocked. "we thought you were a model family." I asked W to give me 3 months without talking to OM, without seeing him, etc etc. She again agreed. I remember thinking - in 3 months' time it will be our wedding anniversary. I can wait three months to see what will happen. I can be patient three months. I also promised myself - this is the last time. If she contacts him again, if she breaks her promise again, I'm leaving.

For those months, she slept on the sofa, I in the bedroom. We stayed civil. We went to movies with the kids. I washed her cars every week. If she caught me doing it, she'd say "you don't have to do that." "I know I don't HAVE to."

One night we went out, just the two of us, to dinner. She got drunk again. She was saying kooky stuff like "everyone is exactly where they ought to be" and "no path is better or worse". I said, what if I go and punch that guy over there, in the nose. Is that neither good nor bad? No response to this.

One night we went dancing. The next morning I kissed her. "Oh, you LIKE me now?" she asked. Again, I don't know what to say to this. I have liked her all along, loved her by choice all along. I told her I never stopped loving her.

She started reading books on witchcraft, psychics, clairvoyance, reincarnation, multiple-lives. This is all very new to me. I was not judgmental.

Then one night she told me "I still call him occassionally." This was about 5 days short of our anniversary. We didn't make the three months. The next day I left the house. (then came her never-to-be fulfilled promise to start up MC, I mentioned that above)

Now she has shifted her accusations from "you are controlling" to "you have been abusive to me for 20 years." This is very hard to hear, even though I know it is ridiculous. Last week I heard a new one - "the kids are all petrified of you." But yet when I visit they all run to me.

She added in, just for good measure: "You broke your wedding vows: You didn't honor me!" I don't know what this even means. Yes I promised to Love and Honor her all the days of my life. I remember it well. But what does she mean I did not honor her? She clarifies the accusation (not) by re-iterating that I was abusive to her for 20 years.

I asked her to give me one thing to do for her - one thing I can change. She gave me a book on abusive men, told me to read it. I did. I said, let's talk about this in therapy. She refused.

The other night she even accused ME of being unfaithful. Lawyer speak: "Are you dating someone?" she asked me. no. "Are you sleeping with someone?" no. "Are you having sex with someone?" Still say, "No." "Have you ever been unfaithful to me?" I'm not sure how to answer. I feel like it is ridiculous that I should be defending myself here. Remember, this line of questioning is coming after her threatening a D for 7 months, but never filing.

I told her, I have never once been unfaithful. I've thought about it, but never acted on it. She says "I don't trust you." (Duh. It was pretty obvious from the way she was questioning me.)

Again I phoned her father, her friends. Her father said "So I hear you are filing for divorce." I told him, not me! I want to reconcile. He said, "W told me you gave up, didn't want to try any longer." This is insane. I tell him it's untrue, but what can he think? His daughter is telling him one thing, and I'm telling him something totally different.

She changed the locks on the house.

For now I am still GAL-ing, but not expecting much here.

Now I wait for D papers.

None of this makes sense!!

I could REALLY use some input and advice and encouragement here from like monded people. I hate divorce but it is staring me straight in the face.

Should I wait for her to file? Or force the issue and file myself?

There are a couple reasons I can see why she might not be filing papers after she said she was going to do it, 18 days ago.

1. She's having second thoughts.

2. She's not excited about the practical implications.


Maybe those two things are not as different as they sound.

I really hope that the first option is true but it seems unlikely.

This sitch has been going a long long time, and she hasn't changed her mind yet. She's changed the locks on the house. She took down all the pictures of my family. We had a wedding photo of my mom & dad - that is now packed into a box in the garage. She was very close to both my parents, closer than she was to her own parents. They both loved her very much. But both my parents passed away in the past 5 years. I think it was very hard on her, more difficult than she is admitting. I think the death of my parents has affected her more deeply that she is capable of recognizing. Both her parents are still alive, but her mom is a drunk (really) and is showing signs of dementia. And her dad - well they were never that close.

The locks changing and the pictures getting packed away - all within the past 2-3 weeks. None of this seems to indicate second thoughts on her part.

On the other hand! Did I mention she notified me that I no longer have her permission to enter the house "without her explicit invitation"? She notified me to that effect, apparently right around the time she changed the locks. When I called to ask about retrieving some stuff from the house, I was surprised to learn she was already away, with the children, for the weekend. Four days. So I ask if it is ok if I go to the house while she is out (not knowing that the locks are changed). She informs me then, that she's changed the locks and I won't be able to get in. I say, gee, you knew I wanted to get some things, but you just changed the locks and left the house? For four days? THEN (here's the odd part) she offers to tell me where the key is hidden. She actually starts to tell me... "It's under the..." so I interrupt and say, "Wait! I don't want to know."

Why would she offer to tell me where the key is, if she's just gone to the trouble and expense of having the locks changed? I didn't ASK where the key is. I asked, how can I get into the house, thinking, maybe she has a friend who can let me into (my own dang) house. But she began to volunteer the information anyway.

2nd thing: I drove to the house to pick up the kids for my Sunday visit. Since I am no longer permitted to enter the house, and since the locks are changed etc, now I drive up and beep in the driveway. I don't go to the door. The kids come bounding out (happy to see me). She also comes out. Not to wave. She walks 50 feet right next to me. Why? If she is so afraid of me that she needs to bar me from the house and change the locks, why is she approaching me this way?

So those two things make me think maybe she is having second thoughts.

But on the OTHER other hand. . .

She doesn't work; All of my paycheck goes direct deposit into the family account which she controls. I don't mean that I don't have access to the account, I just mean *she does* have access to all my income. And we have 2 houses - we moved 1 year ago but haven't sold the first house. So 2 mortgage payments go out of that family account. Essentially my entire paycheck. There's a little left over, but she has it all, basically. All my income.

If she files for D, then we will get "temporary orders" which will split my income roughly in half. Half would go to her, half to me. This obviously would mean immediate practical implications for her. And the kids. They'd have to move house. She'd need a job, like immediately. She'd have to arrange childcare. She might even have to stop her mid-morning yoga sessions! I don't wish any of this disruption on my family, but hey, none of this was MY idea.

----

Some people are advising me to stop waiting, stop complying, and start calling her on her demands. For 7 months she has "asked" for a D, but yet no action on her part. For 7 months she has said "it's OVER." But she is still living in the big house, going on weekends away, attending yoga classes. If she won't file, why don't I file papers and get temporary orders?

Patience and more waiting? Or do a big 180 and start driving this D to a conclusion?

Sir,

Sorry that you find yourself here, there are good people here to help you out, sometimes its hard to answer people right away!

I think all the things your wife is spewing at you about your what you are like, is so that she can justify in her mind what she is doing, she is feeling guilty, but its easier to lash out at you instead of taking a good hard look at herself.
She is obviously very confused, and this is the reason for all the waffling and mixed signals.
If you want your marriage back, that you will have to be patient, and giver her space.
The best thing to do right now if focus on you, gal, and act as if. It does help whatever the outcome of your marriage.
And do keep posting, because it does help just to get alot of this stuff out of your head!

Hi SPM,

Sorry you had to come here, like the rest of us, but you are in good hands!

I think most people here would tell you not to force anything. It sounds like YOU want to save your marriage, so pick that path and stick to it.

Patience is the name of this game, not that anyone asked if you wanted to play...

I would say that you have a lot of positives on your side to help you through this maddening journey. Your W needs to be faced with the realities of the situation she is causing. By leaving her alone to realize these, she will come to this conclusion faster than if you force it for her. That will make her want to run away that much more.

She has already pushed some serious painful steps your way, like changing the locks and keeping you out of HER castle. Right now she is extremely confused and as we like to call them on here, ALIEN, so nothing she says or does right now will make any common sense. Just bide your time, if she insists on moving forward, telling her this happened suddenly and you are still processing all what it means. She needs that time too, to realize the full effects of what she is doing and right now, SHE CANNOT SEE THAT.

Patience IS key, patience is your best friend right now.

And keep coming here to post and get thoughts out. It does help.

Hey Limbo,

You sound like you are in a similar situation. Where's your story?

Thank you so much for the response and the insight.
Gosh I feel like any response at this point is valuable to me.

you said, focus on me, GAL, and act "as if". Also be patient, and give space. ok.

For now, here's what I am doing to focus on me. I'm working out regularly, actually I'm in much better shape now than I was a year ago when the bomb dropped. I had read that working out helps with stress and of course knew this would be stressful so I committed to myself to stay healthy, and I've done that.

I'm reading. Always too many things to read so now I have the time to catch up on a bunch of things. Novels, etc.

I'm not drinking, smoking etc. I'm staying healthy, true to me.

I'm going back to church! With my kids, when possible.

I am calling friends. Regularly. I am talking my sitch through with a whole bunch of people that I know, but I did not talk to regularly. When I get lonely now, I recognize it and I just call someone. I tell them why I called, too. I'm not hiding any of this anymore. (at first I was embarassed or wanted to keep the whole situation private, but you know, if the D happens, it will be NO SECRET! So what the heck!?)

Staying close with my family. My parents are gone but I talk to my siblings fairly often. There is a bunch of them so I have lots of people to just chat with.

Along the same lines, I stay in touch with *her* family, too.

Meeting new people. At this point I still want my family back, but it is not looking good. So I signed up for a dating service and am having coffee with people. I am honest about where I am, basically I want to meet people who are similar. Not looking for a romantic relationship, just someone to share stories with. So far the romantic interest has been an ego boost but really not what I want right now.

Doing stuff I love. I ride my bike, still love it as much as I ever did. I cooked for my kids last night, which was nothing fancy but it was just fun to do. They helped, made a big mess, but what a delight just to be near them.

I'm still working. Weirdly, work is just opening up with tons of opportunities, RIGHT NOW. Tons of interesting stuff going on, opportunities for expansion of responsibility and larger leadership roles. Which is great. I've spoken to my boss about my sitch, he's very supportive.

I am fantasizing about some other new stuff, like taking a dancing (tango) class, or taking a massage class. But haven't move on that. not sure why, busy at work I guess!

I have dragged my a$$ on some of the GAL stuff - for one, I am still living in a room in a friend's house. I am in denial I think, about the split. I need to get my own house (regardless of the expense) but it breaks my heart to even look. I know this is bad but it is really hard for me to face it.

On some other stuff, I'm good. New haircut. I buy new clothes. New (old) car. (My old car was limping, the new ride is much nicer - again this is from a friend helping me out, so zero cost).

I hang in coffee shops. Planning a trip away with my guy friends to see a football game. Go to movies.

On the patience and space, I am doing some of that.

She went away for a 4-day trip with the kids over T-giving. I found out that was happening in an email, after she was already gone. They rented a place (kids told me on my Sunday visit), just them. Remember she is not working, she has barred me from the house, and now she is taking vacations with my kids, without me. I felt like throwing up. But I haven't said anything, and don't really want to. The kids told me it was a blast, which I am glad for. Glad they are all having fun, really. Though I feel very LEFT OUT! But I can handle it. I am not really worried about the $500 they spent on the rental - the money is nothing in the grand scheme of things. If I had to spend $50k to get my family back, I'd do it.

But what does it mean, "act as if"? as if WHAT? As if I were already divorced? As if everything is FINE?

Here's a current situation: my siblings are across the country. I'm still close with them. My kids are still close with their cousins, though we haven't seen them in a year or so, since we moved. I want to take my kids back for Christmas. W says she also wants to go back to the hometown for Christmas.

What does "act as if" mean in this situation? Should we book tickets on the same flight? Share a rental minivan? (there are 4 kids). I expect sharing living arrangements is out of the question! My sister has offered to let me & the kids stay at her house. Should I invite W? (THAT does not feel like giving space) Should I try to do family holiday visits together with W? This involves driving around town, stopping in for an hour or two or three with various people. (I am still on good terms with her father, mother, siblings, our old family friends, etc)

Or does it mean, I should maintain an independent schedule? Negotiate when "she gets the kids" and when "I get the kids"? This would be "as if" the D were already in place, which it is not.

Here's another, the D papers of course.
Should I ask her to close on this? It's been 18 days. Should I ask her to be proactive? or just sit and wait wait wait. Remember, ALL my income goes to her.

here's a smaller situation:
she is doing bible study. Every wednesday. She wants me to watch the kids while she goes. Remember this, while 18 days ago she announced to me she is filing for D. Should I continue to make time (leave work early etc) for the kids just to convenience her?

another situation:
the kids tell me there are things that are broken, things that need doing at the house. Like the kids' computer for one example. Should I inquire about fixing that? This is something that I would normally do, that the kids would come to me to do, but of course I am not in the house. so? Should I inject myself into that and offer to fix it? W has not mentioned it, only the kids.

another:
her convertible. I paid cash. With me renting a 3rd residence, We need money now. Should I force the sale of the car? or just continue to live on borrowed funds? I can act "as if" we can keep the car, but all the borrowing is starting to hurt us financially.

Love to hear some guidance on all this.

Hey Pudmuddle, thank you for your reply.

You're exactly right, I DO want to save my marriage, and no, I didn't volunteer for this game.

I just got an email from her on Christmas plans:



So in effect, she is acting "as if" the D were already in place.



I totally agree with this. and up til now, the practical realities for her have not been large. She cut the grass and mowed the lawn this fall. Ok. But she is still living in the house I pay for. She still has the convertible. I am the one living in a friend's room.

I am trying to figure out how to balance the "give space" and "be patient" advice with the "she needs to face the realities" part.
(gee, what I just said sounds really manipulative, to me!)

My filing for D would not be patient at all, but it would definitely force the practical issues, no?

OTOH, my being patient hasn't forced the practical realities. She's still a woman of leisure.

Sir

The acting as if I was refering to was in your attitude to her, acting as if everything is ok, showing in away that you are going to be ok. That you aren't mad with her...that kind of thing.
As far as things go with the kids, I feel if you are seperated its better to have some set things in place. But ulitmatley its up to you, as you know the situation best, what we say here is primarily to do with your relationship with your spouse.

You have to decided whats best for your kids and you right now